Look, Boof-a-low, eez not what you think...

Date: April 2010. 

Hey, Buffalo…have you calmed down yet, buddy?

WHOA! WHOA! Sit down, man! Relax! I mean, can’t we even talk about this? C’mon, it’s me, T.O.! We’ve been friends for almost 200 years, you’re going to let one little team come between us?

Look, it’s not like I planned this, okay? But it’s happening, so you might as well just accept it. The Bills are coming with me. It’s over. You need to start letting go.

I don’t know when it started, to be honest. I guess it was that time you let them come and stay with me for the weekend back in 2008.  It was early October. One of those crisp days where the sky is really blue. Sweater weather. And man, they looked good. They were wearing those awesome throwbacks, with the white helmet with the red buffalo on it. You know the ones I’m talking about? Sorry, of course you do. Point is, they looked good.

And wow, the game! Who could forget it? They beat the Pats that day! Brady threw four picks, Moss walked off the field in the third quarter. It was two weeks before they fired Belichick. Everything was perfect. We just…clicked. Like it was meant to be. 

But I never meant for you to get hurt.

We’ve been through so much, you and me, and I’d hate for this to ruin our friendship. What do you mean “what friendship?” Don’t be like that, B. Oh, you want me to give you a list? 

Fine. Tim Horton’s ring a bell? Don’t pretend that you don’t love it. I’ve seen the line-ups. And do I need to remind you of all that stuff I let you buy for years at those ridiculous exchange rates? Sixty-four cents on the dollar, you think that’s not friendship? You bought half your TVs at the Future Shop on Yonge Street! Yeah, you’ve been returning the favour lately, but c’mon, it’ll be a while before we’re even on that front. Don’t even get me started on those highway tolls.

And who do I cheer for every year when the Leafs miss the playoffs? The Sabres, that’s who. You think I like doing that? You don’t think that stings? Because it does. But I do it. Because I love you.

Because we’re bros.

And will you please quit bringing up the Argos? Leave them out of this. It’s hard enough as it is. It’s not like I’ve stopped loving them. I haven’t. We were together for over 130 years, and they were great years, you know? Fifteen Grey Cups. Pinball. Bruce McNall, The Great One and Johnny LaRue. Flutie. Sigh…even that crazy Ricky Williams stuff makes me smile now. All good memories. But that’s in the past.

L'il Dominique. I'm going to miss you most of all.

You see, deep down, we both knew that it was temporary. We were young when we got together, and lately we’ve just been going in different directions. And if you want to take a run at them, I want you to know I am totally cool with that. Come to think of it, you should, you know? You guys would be great for each other…

ALRIGHT, alright, calm down! I’ll shut up about it. Just looking out for you, that’s all…

…whoa, take that back!  I was not “sniffing around the Bills for years”. Yeah, it’s no secret, I’ve always wanted an NFL team. But it’s not like I tried to hide it. And you were determined not to let that happen, weren’t you? You were so afraid of having to share your fanbase with me. Afraid of seeing me happy. And I’ll admit it, I was jealous. But I was trying to find my own team. And remember, the Bills came to me, not the other way around.

Don’t look at me like that. You know that’s true. And come to think of it, I’m tired of you pretending you’re completely blameless here. There, I said it. You’ve really let yourself go, Buff. I mean, look at you! And don’t throw that “War of 1812” stuff back at me again, okay? You can’t hold that over me for ever. What, with your high poverty rate and taxes that almost make mine seem reasonable? You’re one of the fattest cities in America, which is like saying you’re one of the worst episodes of John from Cincinnati. And there’s no way you were satisfying them with that small…population.

Also, name me one place of yours where Marshawn Lynch can meet the kind of stripper he needs! The type that can properly relieve a budding young superstar runningback of his stress before and after a big game. I mean, you won’t even let the guy drink yet! I’ve got two words for you: Brass. Rail. Face it, the team has wanted to leave you for some time. Deep down in your heart, you know that Willis McGahee was right

Okay, okay! You’re right. That was out of line, and I’m sorry. But this is hard for me, too. I know this isn’t ideal. And I wouldn’t be putting us through this unless I really loved them.

And I do love them. I promise to take care of them. Sure, our place isn’t as big as yours, but I’m working on it. The Rogers Center is only temporary. I’m going to raise some tax money, tear down most of club land, put the Gardiner underground and build them the biggest, most beautiful stadium you could imagine, bigger than they’ve ever dreamed of! I know that you would want that. Because you’re a good guy.

Look, I know it’s hard. But try to focus on the good times you guys had. The four Super Bowl trips. And…uh…the rest.

Okay, I’ve got to get going. We’re leaving, together, and I hope you won’t make a scene. Thanks for being so cool.

And just to show you how bad I feel…you can keep Losman.  No worries, B. It’s the least I can do.