[Ed. note: Title should read “So You’ve Decided Not to Move to Winnipeg!”]

I would just like to be the first to congratulate Pacman Jones on his recent decision to try his hand at CFL football in Winnipeg.  Of course, there is a longstanding tradition of felonious NFLers slipping across the border to get their taste of that sweet, sweet CFL cashcow teat.  Consider just a few of the illustrious fellows who have made the jump to the CFL in recent years:

Lawrence Phillips:

Cut by the St. Louis Rams for insubordination, Phillips tried his hand at arena football before realizing that his only remaining options were either to play football in Canada or descend into a life of crime.  He took both.  The talented multitasker was convicted of trying to win a flag football game by running over a bunch of teens (s. 554 of the Criminal Code, if I’m not mistaken), but not before winning a Grey Cup (note to Americans: The Grey Cup is not named after someone important; rather, in true Canadian fashion, ’grey’ is descriptive of the colour of the trophy) with the Alouettes.  Currently serving 10 years in a California prison. 

Dexter Manley:

Manley was an NFL Pro-Bowler nicknamed “the Secretary of Defence” who had a propensity for delivering sacks.  Of crack, that is.  Suspended by the NFL 4 times for “controlled substances”, he was banned from the NFL for life in 1991.  Ottawa Roughriders owner DMX sensed an opportunity to pick up a skilled playmaker and signed Manley to a contract in 1993.  Manley played 2 seasons in Ottawa before the realization that he was playing football in Ottawa forced him off the wagon and into the open arms of cocaine addiction.  He served 2 years in prison and now has his own show on F/X.

Ricky Williams:

This former first pick in the NFL draft landed in Toronto after his 4th failed drug test sent him packing from the house of Goodell.  Ultimately, Williams could not handle the bright lights of the Toronto and his one-year cameo in the CFL ended with his return to the NFL.  Williams is currently a yoga instructor and third-down specialist for the Miami Dolphins.

Andre “Bad Moon” Rison:

Primarily known for being the former husband of deceased R’n'B starlet Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes.  Rison was a 5-time Pro-Bowl selection in the NFL before serving time in jail for delinquent child support (lousy mooching bastards!).  Rison won a Grey Cup with the Argos but was released the very next season when he had the audacity to question Pinball Clemons’ enthusiasm for life.

O.J. Simpson:

This NFL hall-of-famer surprised criminal authorities when he signed to play for the Edmonton Eskimos less than 20 days after his arraignment on charges of murdering his estranged wife and her love interest.  Unfortunately, the stress and time commitments of the “Trial of the Century” and the crippling civil judgment rendered against him limited his usefulness to the Eskimos.  Nevertheless he retired from the CFL having established the CFL single season rushing record.  Currently serving prison time after totally being set up by some jackass memorabilia collector.

Shoeless Joe Jackson:

Banned for life from baseball after the 1919 Chicago Black Sox scandal, Jackson was signed to take long snaps for the Regina Injuns (a precursor to the Saskatchewan Roughriders).  Jackson retired after 8 seasons with the Injuns, establishing several CFL records.  But he will forever be known as the man who threw the 1925 Grey Cup for a bottle of Crown Royal and a handjob from a concessionnaire.

So we here at Food Court Lunch wish you all the best in your CFL experience, Pacman.  In order to ease your transition into life in Winnipeg, here are some things to keep in mind:

1.     In Winnipeg, the term for “Make it Rain!” is “Flood the Dancefloor!”, owing to the city’s propensity to flood every two weeks.

2.     Canada has an extradition treaty with the United States

3.     You will be making much, much less money in the CFL.  Luckily, there is nothing to spend your money on in Winnipeg.

4.     In Dallas, you had a billionaire owner.  In Winnipeg, you have a Pizza Hut franchisee who collects trains.

5.     Finally, remember that whole 3 down thing.

 Cheers!