It’s no secret - I have always been a passionate fan of Lois & Clark - The New Adventures of Superman, and it was never for Teri Hatcher… But this morning, I have an entirely new reason to shamelessly promote the woefully inadequate career of Mr. Dean “Superman” Cain. Why? Because at least this Cain didn’t beat the crap out of an aging Buffalo cab driver because he was 20 cents short on a cab fare (or at least he has not done so recently). No, that honour now belongs to his namesake, Mr. Patrick Kane of the Chicago Blackhawks… Admittedly, that joke would have played better if they spelled their names even remotely the same, but so be it. I committed to the joke before I looked up the spelling of Cain’s name, so you’re stuck with it. Sorry.

Anyway, the facts as they have been reported thus far (which is more than good enough for this website) are the following: Patrick and his cousin James were taking a cab from Chippewa Street (the “classy” part of Buffalo) to Eastwood Place (I assume Clint’s birthplace) at about 4:00 a.m. yesterday morning (presumably after a quick bite to eat at Jim’s Steakout). The total fare was a mind-blowing $13.80. Unfortunately for him, the cabbie only had a dollar in change to offer the budding young NHL superstar. So, like any reasonable youngster who netted a total of $3.7 million last year in salary and bonuses, Patrick and his cousin decided to beat the living snot out of cab driver Radecki.

Portrait of a Hero

At the risk of being (more) unpopular, we here at Food Court Lunch wish to congratulate Patrick on a job well done. It’s about time those fucking Buffalo area cab drivers were knocked down a peg (figuratively and physically). And sure, giving a substandard tip to the cabbie (20 cents, or 1% of the total fare) would have been a partial victory for Pat, but that’s just not the type of player he is. He doesn’t settle for “good enough”. He doesn’t want just a dollar back, Radecki: he wants the full $1.20! After all, that’s 0.0000005% of his annual income last year!! Money doesn’t grow on trees, Radecki! So cough up the change, or cough up some blood - your call.

We also wish to applaud Patrick on his continued promotion of the NHL during these harsh economic times. For apparently Patrick repeatedly noted that Radecki didn’t know who he was “fucking with” throughout the assault, an obvious commentary on the lack of visibility the League and its superstars have among today’s youth (and those in the cab driving profession). Perhaps if Radecki had picked up a copy of NHL 2010 for his x-box instead of working the late shift for less than minimum wage, he would have known precisely “who he was fucking with” when he short-changed the cover model. Get your fucking head in the game, Radecki!

“Are you sure you don’t have the 20 cents, bitch?”

So what can we learn from this incident? Well, first off, never short-change an NHL superstar from Buffalo (or Tonawanda… or Lackawanna… or even Cheektowaga), even for negligible sums. I would have thought that was pretty self-evident, but apparently Radecki isn’t one for common sense. It’s like he simply had no idea who he was fucking with… Also, if you’re a cabbie working in the upstate New York area, have plenty of dimes at the ready. You never know when a young NHL prima donna might require your services. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, we have learned that Patrick Kane is a douche. There’s no question who gets my vote:

In conclusion, I would like to take this opportunity to invite all of those people who told me during the course of the regular season that they preferred Kane to Toews to kindly “suck it”. When Toews beats the crap out of a Winnipeg sled-dog driver at Portage and Main, give me a call. Until then, continue sucking…