By now most people in the U.S. are all too familiar with Obama’s proposal to turn the United States into a Communist State. Most recently, the commie pinko bastard has proposed a system of purely state-run health care that will deprive Americans of their right to choose… 

(Actually, he has proposed nothing of the sort. In fact, his proposal simply seeks to extend current private services, in conjunction to limited state involvement, in an effort to provide health care services to the 47 million Americans who are currently without access to any health services whatsoever. In short, he seeks to adopt a watered-down version of the “universal health care” model that has been adopted by every other Western industrialized nation. But let’s not get bogged down in the facts.)

Fortunately, the prescient Republicans have been clever enough to call Obama on his folly, pointing out that the proposed health care reform will set the nation on a collision course with the health care disaster known as “Canada” (which I believe is some sort of island republic). In support of their arguments, the Republicans have gone straight to the source: former Canadian supermodel Shona Holmes from “Waterdown, Canada”. And Shona has a message for Americans:

You tell ‘em, Shona. Your story totally checks out. Totally. I won’t even point out the hypocrisy of you suing the Ontario government to recoup the costs of your surgery amid your praise of private health care…  

And let’s not forget the paragon of news media, Fox News, where Hannity finally exposes Canadian health care for the sham that it is:

That is a great piece of work! The nurse actually admitted that people do not more frequently require medical care on particular days of the week! And who could believe the magical private clinic was closed!! Forget the fact that private clinics do not exist up here in the Great White North - your story must be true! Look at your hair - it’s gorgeous!

Anyway, we here at Food Court Lunch felt that it was time to clear up a few misconceptions about Canadian health care so as to assist our friends south of the border in these troubled times. To this end, here are a few key facts that you should know:

• In an effort to cut back on health care costs, Canada employs shamans instead of certified medical professionals. Accordingly, most illnesses are treated by spirit walks and peyote.
• The average wait time for basic medical service is 2-3 years. Adopting the Denny’s patented “buzzer” technology, patients are given a beeper that lights up and vibrates when it is their turn to see the shaman. Unfortunately, the beepers only have a range of 60 feet, so it makes for a long 3-year wait.
• Our current health care coverage extends to all medical issues, except the following: (i) fractures, (ii) breaks, (iii) internal illnesses, (iv) external injuries, (v) damaged ears, eyes, noses or throats, (vi) injured vaginas, (vii) mud butt, (viii) achey-breaky pelvises, (ix) body-related injuries or (x) scrotum-related accidents.
• Our nurses are all out-of-work actors and actresses who are forced to sing while you wait. Here is a video from my last hip surgery:

We hope this has been of some assistance.