The time:     9:00am Monday, July 13th, 2009

The scene:     Office of the Director of Personnel, Chicago Cubs

[Secretary (over intercom)]:     Mr. Stansky? Your 9am interview is here.

[Personnel Director]:     Great.  Please send him in, Laura.

[A visibly nervous B.J. Ryan enters the office, wearing an ill-fitting suit and tie and carrying a small briefcase]

[Personnel Director]:     Mr. Ryan! Jim Stansky.  Great to finally meet you!

[B.J. Ryan]:    Thanks for taking the time to meet with me, Mr. Stansky.

[Personnel Director]:     Have a seat.  Can I get you anything to drink?  A coffee?

[B.J. Ryan]:     Nothing for me, thank you.

[Personnel Director]:     Now, I’ve had a chance to look over your resume, and I must say, it’s quite impressive.  It’s not very often that we get candidates with qualifications like yours.

[B.J. Ryan]:     Thanks.  That means a lot.

[Personnel Director]:     That said, I do have a couple of questions about your resume that I’d like to go through.

[B.J. Ryan]:     Of course.  Fire away.

[Personnel Director]:     Well, as I said, your qualifications are outstanding.  An all-star in 2005 and 2006.  74 saves between 2005 and 2006.  Signed the largest contract for a reliever in the history of baseball in 2006.  Just amazing.

[B.J. Ryan]:     Thanks.  It’s been a great ride so far.

[Personnel Director]:     But I can’t help but notice that there’s not much here from 2007 onward.  It only says here that you worked for someone named “T. John” in 2007.  Do I have that right?

[B.J. Ryan]:     Not exactly.  That’s “Tommy John”.  I had surgery on my left elbow in 2007.

[Personnel Director]:     I see….

[B.J. Ryan (defensive)]:     B-but nothing to worry about.  I had a full recovery.  In fact, they tell me I only lost about 12 mph off my fastball.

[Personnel Director]:     ……

[B.J. Ryan (stares uncomfortably at stapler on desk)]

[Personnel Director]:    Where are you currently employed, Mr. Ryan?

[B.J. Ryan]:     Well, that’s an interesting story.  I’d been considering a lifestyle change for some time now, and, well, when the Blue Jays let me go earlier this month, it, uhh, seemed like a great opportunity for me to expand my horizons.

[Personnel Director (furrows brow)]:     I see.  Now, Mr. Ryan, as you know, we require a urine sample from all applicants.

[B.J. Ryan]:     Yes.

[Personnel Director]:     We do this to ensure a safe, drug-free working environment…

[B.J. Ryan (eyes shifting)]:     Is there a problem with my sample, Mr. Stansky?

[Personnel Director]:     Well….there might be.

[B.J. Ryan (insistent)]:     I don’t use drugs, Mr. Stansky.

[Personnel Director]:     Hold on, Mr. Ryan.  Nobody’s accusing you of anything.  It’s just that, well, your sample tested positive for bone fragments.

[B.J. Ryan]:     Oh boy.

[Personnel Director]:     I know.  It’s not something we’ve ever come across before.  This can be a difficult job, Mr. Ryan, and we just want to make sure that your body will be able to handle the stresses of the position.  And about your references, Mr. Ryan?

[B.J. Ryan (dejected)]:     Yes?

[Personnel Director]:     Well, we called the first one, a Mr. John Gibbons….

[B.J. Ryan]:     Good ole Gibby.

[Personnel Director]:     Yes, well Mr. Gibbons seemed exuberant in his praise of you, but we simply could not understand a word he said.  You have him listed as “former major league manager”, but to be frank, we don’t see how that’s possible.

[B.J. Ryan (stares down at hands)]

[Personnel Director]:     And about your other references? First you have Dr. James Andrews….

[B.J. Ryan]:     Yes?

[Personnel Director]:     Well, I’m afraid that he doesn’t really count as a job reference.  Turns out he’s an orthopedic surgeon.  He told us all he could attest to was the durability of the repair to your left elbow.

[B.J. Ryan]:     And?

[Personnel Director]:     And, he warned us not to stand too closely to your elbow.

[B.J. Ryan]:     I see….

[Personnel Director]:     And I’m afraid your final reference, Mr. A.J. Burnett, hasn’t returned any of our calls.

[B.J. Ryan (fuming silently)]

[Personnel Director]:    That said, with your qualifications, you’re still our top candidate for the position, Mr. Ryan.  Do you have any questions about the position?

[B.J. Ryan (perking up)]:    Well, I am curious about how the team intends to use me.  Will it be mainly in late-game situations?

[Personnel Director]:     Actually, it would most likely be both early and late-game situations.

[B.J. Ryan]:     Great!  You know, I’m just anxious to get back out on the field to show people what I’m capable of.

[Personnel Director]:     Well, to be clear, you’d be working mainly behind the stadium.

[B.J. Ryan]:     So I’ll be working out of the bullpen mainly?

[Personnel Director (looks confused)]:     I’m sorry.  I assumed you were here for the parking attendant job.

[B.J. Ryan (dejected)]:     But I-I thought….   How much does it pay?

[Personnel Director]:     $10.25 an hour plus a 10% discount on tickets and team merchandise.

[B.J. Ryan (Burying head in hands)]:     When can I start?