If you’re like me, it burns when you pee, you are patiently awaiting the N’Sync Reunion Tour, and you spend your days wondering who would win in a pie eating contest between Kelly Clarkson and the fat chick from Wilson Phillips. Also, you love the NHL’s number 19s - Steve Yzerman and Joe Sakic (with honourable mentions to Joe Thorton and Jonathan Toews).

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It was announced yesterdaythat Mr. Sakic is expected to announce his retirement from the NHL today. I am not sure why they felt the need to announce the announcement of his retirement a day before the actual announcement, but I believe it has something to do with the new League rules (which make for a much faster game, and apparently a far more confusing retirement plan…). In any event, the simple fact is that I have harboured an unhealthy crush on Joe ever since I was a wee lad watching Les Nordiques. Accordingly, I have acquired an impressive collection of Joe Sakic factoids over the years, many of which are not publicly known (and none of which have been confirmed).

And so, to honour one of the greats, I present the Top 10 Things People May Not Have Known About Joe Sakic (and Which May Not Be Entirely Based In Fact):

  1. Joe once broke the sound barrier with his slap shot. The puck travelled back in time, and scored twice on the opposing goalie before the game had even started.
  2. Joe is the only player in history to receive an assist from himself.
  3. Joe’s skates do not actually touch the ice - he hovers above the ice surface like some sort of hockey angel.
  4. Joe’s wrist shot cannot actually be seen by the human eye.  
  5. The term “hat trick” is actually an English translation of Joe’s last name.
  6. Joe is so well-liked by his teammates that they all gave him their kidneys during the 1998-1999 season, even though he wasn’t sick.
  7. Joe is so feared by his opponents that they ritually shit themselves before each face off.
  8. Joe once beat up Superman, just because he could. He then made him breakfast because he felt bad.
  9. Joe cured polio.
  10. Joe invented the internet.

We will miss you, Burnaby Joe.