(July 6th, 2009. Larry King Live)

Larry King: …and we’re back with our twentieth of an indeterminate number of shows celebrating the life and legacy of Michael Jackson. With me as always, it seems, is Donald Trump.

Trump: Always great to be here, Larry.

 trump.jpg

King: Now Donald, just so I’m clear on this, you and Michael Jackson were good friends?

Trump: The best of friends, Larry. Huge friends.

King: Really? Now that surprises me.

Trump: Larry, let me tell you about the kind of guy Mike was. That was my nickname for him – “Mike”. And he would sometimes refer to me as “Donnie”, as a reciprocal term of affection.

King: Got it.

Trump: Let me tell you about the kind of guy Mike was. Often times he would call me out of the blue and just say, “Donnie, it’s me, Mike. Donnie, you know I think you’re a great guy, one of my closest friends in the world. You know that, right?” And I’d say, “yeah, I do, Mike. Now what do you want? I’m very busy.” And Mike would say, “I just want you to know, Donnie, if you ever need anything, I’m there.” And I would say, “I know, Mike.” And he would say, “Sha-moan”, or whatever it was that he said, and that would usually end the call. That was the type of guy Michael Jackson was.

King: Uh-huh.

Trump: And I’ll tell you something else, Larry. Because we were such good friends, I just want to say from the very bottom of my heart, how glad I am that he’s dead.

King: Okay. Now why’s that?

Trump: Because, Larry, now people are buying up all of his albums again, and all that money he owed? It’ll be paid off in a week.

King: Clears up the money troubles.

Trump: Being debt free is a beautiful thing, Larry. Believe you me.

King: Donald Trump’s with us, good friend of Michael Jackson’s, glad to see him go.

Trump: You know he lived in several of my buildings, right?

King: I did not. Joining us on the phones is Sean “P. Daddy” Combs. Daddy, how you holding up?

 diddy.jpg

Combs: That’s “Diddy”.

King: P. Daddy on the line. What’s your question?

Combs: What…what’s my question? Man, I’m here to talk about the effect that Michael Jackson had on my life.

King: Go ahead.

Combs: Well Larry, naw what I’m sayin’, I just wanted to say that I was such a big fan of Michael growing up, naw what I’m sayin’, and his death is a tremendous loss for every single artist of my ilk, otherwise known as my generation, naw what I’m sayin’…

King: (to director) I think something’s wrong with the connection, he keeps repeating himself. (to camera) I think we’re losing you, Pete. Hello?

Combs: That’s “P”, and I can hear you loud and clear, Larry! This shit happens every time I’m on here, naw what I’m sayin’. This is just the way I talk…

King: (banging receiver on desk) …these god damn phones. Dibby, we’ll have to get back to you. (call disconnects) Donald, your thoughts on Dibby?

Trump: A good friend of mine, Larry. Huge.

King: Back to the phones – I’m told we have a neighbour of Michael Jackson’s mailman on the line. Sir, are you there?

Neighbour: I sure am, Larry.

King: What insight can you offer us into the life of Michael Jackson?

Neighbour: To tell you the truth, I don’t really know that much about him.

King: Uh-huh. Go on.

Neighbour: I mean, I wasn’t into his music or anything. I mostly know his name from those news stories a few years back. The ones about all those kids he killed?

King: I believe you mean “raped”.

Trump: Allegedly raped.

Neighbour: Right, right.

King: And I’d like to remind our viewers that Jackson was never convicted of any crime, although he did settle one case out of court and, although I’m not positive about this, I’m pretty sure that constitutes an admission of guilt. Donald, do you know the answer to that?

Trump: (sticks out bottom lip, shakes head)

King: Well, as luck would have it, we’ve got Judge Judy standing by on Line 2. Judge, how about it – does settling a case mean you are admitting guilt?

 judgejudy.jpg

Judge Judy: Absolutely not, Larry.

King: Alright, thanks for clarifying. Any memories of Michael you’d like to share?

Judge Judy: Just this – when I was a little girl, watching the Thriller video for the first time, it was at that moment that I knew for certain I wanted to be a lawyer.

King: You and countless others. But let me ask you this, Judge – how old were you when Thriller came out? The math strikes me as a bit off there.

Judge Judy: (click, dial tone)

King: Okay, we’ve lost the judge, but joining us by video feed from St. Petersburg, Russia are lesbian pop stars T.A.T.U. Girls, are you there?

 tatu.jpg

T.A.T.U.: Hello? Hello, Lar-ee?

King: JESUS!

Trump: OH GOD!

King: (shielding eyes) Girls, question for you. How old are you these days?

T.A.T.U.: Vee are only twventy-vun yeers, La-ree! This happens to all Russian vee-mon at zis age.

Trump: Shut the video feed down, Larry, I’m going be sick here…

T.A.T.U.: Pleeze! You must help us get back to America. They make us work on oil rig…(static)…hello? HELLO?… (feed cuts out)

Trump: Oh, thank God.

King: Sorry about that, folks. It’s live television, sometimes these things slip past us. Back to the phones. Gargamel, are you there?

 gargamel.jpg

Gargamel: I still can’t believe he’s gone, Larry.

King: Uh-huh. Now, as an evil wizard, can you offer any further insight into the cause of death?

Gargamel: Well, my preliminary research tells me it was Smurfs Brain. Which is a shame, because I was working on a cure…(sinister aside)…that would hopefully cure those Smurfs of breathing, too. NYAGH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

King: Alright, Gargamel, always good to hear from you.

Trump: Talk to you later, Garg.

King: Okay, folks, that’s all the time we have for tonight. Come back tomorrow when we’ll take a fifteen minute break from our Michael Jackson marathon to pay tribute to the life of legendary quarterback Steve McNair.

Trump: Can I come back for that one?

King: You were friends with him, too?

Trump: You know it, Larry. McNall and I were tight.

King: McNair.

Trump: That’s him.

King: Anderson Cooper’s up next.