Wed 24 Oct 2007
We join the Monday Night Football crew, Mike Tirico, Ron Jaworski and Tony Kornheiser, with eleven minutes remaining in the third quarter of Monday night’s Packers-Broncos game.
Ron Jaworski: …Travis Henry, with that looming suspension, is making sure that if this is his last game of the season, it will be a memorable one. Look at him follow the play design and fill in the gaping hole created by the big strong guys in the middle. He REALLY drove it in there with authority. When healthy, Henry is one…of the most effective…straight-gap hitters…in the game.
Mike Tirico: (eyes Jaworski suspiciously)
Tony Kornheiser: He’s also one of the most effective FATHERS in the game.
Tirico and Jaworski: (strained laughter)
Kornheiser: I mean, this guy has nine kids. He’s not only an effective running back, he’s effective at FATHERING kids!
Tirico: Gets funnier every time. The Packers’ defense lines up in man coverage.
Jaws: And boy, what a job defensive co-ordinator Bob Sanders has done with the Green Bay defense this year. He has given them a full working over. Let me tell you, he had this unit fired up before tonight’s game and they are playing stiff out there.
Tirico: (pauses) Some unique phrasing there…
Kornheiser: That’s all well and good, Jaws, but let me ask you this about Bob Sanders: how many models has he dated?
Jaws: (confused) Uh, wha-what do you mean? He’s happily married to his lovely wife Kathie, and they have three wonderful kids…
Kornheiser: Exactly my point.
Tirico: Which is?
Kornheiser: How good would it be to be Tom Brady right now?
Tirico: And with that we are happy to be joined by tonight’s guest, actor and comedian
Dave Coulier, star of the hit sitcom Full House, which aired on ABC for eight seasons in the late 80s/early 90s, and the man who Peter King recently dubbed “the second funniest man in America.” Dave, welcome to the booth.
Coulier: Thanks for having me, Mike. Hi Jaws, Tony.
Kornheiser: Getting to be a bit of a “full house” in the booth here with all four of us.
Tirico, Jaworski and Coulier: (strained laughter)
Coulier: Heh heh, c’mon Tony, cut…it…out.
Tirico: Dave is here tonight having cleared ESPN’s “controversial comedian pre-screening process” and on the strict condition that Joe Theismann will not be discussed. Dave, I understand you are a big football fan?
Coulier: Oh yeah, big fan Mike.
Tirico: I know you’re from Detroit, and see that you’ve got your trademark Red Wings jersey on – would I be correct in assuming that you’re a Lions fan?
Coulier: Sure am, Mike, but I don’t have to tell you guys that it has not been a lot of fun lately. Or as Bullwinkle might say: (Bullwinkle voice) “Hey Rocky, I betcha I can pull a rabbit out of my hat before Millen gets us back to the playoffs!”
All: (mild laughter)
Tirico: That does sound like him.
Jaws: Heh heh…Bullwinkle.
Kornheiser: (suddenly worked up) Speaking of the Lions, you know, enough already, Lions fans. It’s time to suck…it…up. Barry Sanders is not walking through that door. Okay? He is NOT walking through that door!
Tirico: So, Dave, what’s keeping you busy these days?
Coulier: Well, I’ve been doing a lot of voice work on Robot Chicken, Seth Green’s animated show on the Cartoon Network.
Tirico: He’s very talented.
Coulier: He is, and Season 2 is available on DVD. And I’m currently touring, doing my stand-up. I’ll be appearing all week at (breaks into high-pitched, nasally voice) the beautiful Holiday Inn in downtown Boulder. Showtimes are at eight and ten-thirty, and tickets…
[Meanwhile, on the field, Brett Favre’s pass is intercepted by Broncos’ cornerback Champ Bailey on Denver’s thirty-yard line. Bailey breaks two tackles and takes the ball all the way back to midfield, before he is upended by a low hit by Packers’ center Scott Wells. The hit causes Bailey to flip completely over, but while he is upside down, he manages to lateral to teammate Dre Bly, who catches it and brings it another ten yards to the Packers’ forty…]
Coulier: (still in character)…are going “fast as fast can be”.
[…Bly himself is then stripped of the ball. It’s picked up by Packers’ tight end Donald Lee, who heads back towards the Broncos’ endzone. Broncos’ safety John Lynch pursues Lee, quickly catches up to him and closes in to make the tackle…]
Tirico: Good stuff. Is that a new character?
[…but Brett Favre comes out of nowhere to deliver a HUGE block, knocking Lynch out of bounds and allowing Lee to take it in for the score. Lee collapses in exhaustion in the endzone as his teammates pile on. Even the Denver fans rise to give the play a standing ovation.]
Coulier: That’s Jack Ching Badda-Bing! The Jackalope! He’s my most famous character! From America’s Funniest People?
Jaws: My kids and I love that show! Our favourite is the one where the cat falls off the television.
Coulier: Actually, that was America’s Funniest Home Videos.
Jaws: Weren’t you on that?
Coulier: No, Bob Saget used to host it. He was on Full House, too.
Kornheiser: Hey, forget about Saget. How about the Olsen twins? They’re HOT!
Home viewers: (shudder)
Tirico: So, Dave, any new impressions to share?
Coulier: Well, I’ve been working on a new one called the “Wallaphant”. He’s a cross between a wallaby and an elephant, he’s a bit of a troublemaker, and he’s from Australia.
Tirico: Alright, let’s hear it.
Coulier: (‘Wallaphant’ voice, which sounds identical to the jackalope voice save for an Australian accent) Hey, everybody, I’m the Wallaphant! I’m crazier than…
[Meanwhile, back on the field, the Packers have retaken possession after a quick Denver three and out. Favre completes a pass for a first down, but Broncos’ linebacker D.J. Williams drives his helmet into Favre’s leg just as he releases the ball. Favre’s leg bends backwards gruesomely, and he goes down in a heap, in obvious and tremendous pain.]
Coulier: (still in Wallaphant voice)…a bushman with bees in his daks!
Tirico: I see.
Coulier: I’m still working on that one.
Tirico: Are tickets for your shows really going fast?
[…A minor scuffle ensues between Williams and a few Packers players as a hush falls over the crowd, who quickly realize that they more than likely have seen the end of Favre’s legendary consecutive games streak…].
Jaws: Hey, don’t let “The Governator” hear you doing that voice.
Tirico: What’s this now?
Jaws: The governor of California? C’mon Mike, I know you know who the governor of California is!
Tirico: I do, not sure what you’re getting at though.
Jaws: I’m not sure that he’d, heh, take too kindly to…Dave’s impression of…the Australian accent.
Tirico: Of course, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, a past guest on this program, was born in Austria.
Jaws: Heck of a guy.
[…Favre is being driven off the field. Several Packers players are kneeling at midfield with hands joined in prayer. The stadium remains eerily quiet].
Kornheiser: Gisele Bundchen is a lucky woman, isn’t she?
Tirico: (noticing game) Just a moment now, there appears to be a player being taken off the field.
Jaws: That looks to be…oh my, is that Favre?
Tirico: We’ve got a replay coming up here. There’s Favre dropping back to pass and…
Kornheiser: (hushed) Oh no.
Jaws: That did not look good.
Tirico: Well folks, I mean…I’m no doctor, but the video speaks for itself. That was a…horrific looking injury to Brett Favre, no other way to put it. And the obvious thought that comes to mind, right after the concern for Brett’s well-being, is his amazing run of consecutive games played which, barring a miracle, has just come to an end here in Denver.
Jaws: (somber) I tell you, Mike, in all my years covering football, that is one of the worst injuries I’ve ever seen. A man’s body just should not bend in that way, no matter what kind of pressure he is under.
Tirico: (to Jaworski) It’s almost like you know you’re doing it…
Coulier: You know what that hit reminds me of? It reminds me of that hit…
Tirico: (panicked) Don’t say it!
Coulier:…on Joe Theisma…(mic cuts out).
Tirico: Dave Coulier, ladies and gentlemen. You can catch him at the Holiday Inn in Boulder this week, plenty of good seats still available.
Jaws: This is a dark day for football.
Tirico: Tony, care to summarize the impact of this injury for your core demographic?
Kornheiser: Sure Mike…remind me what it is again?
Tirico: 38-to-62 year-old male readers of “US Weekly” who like their football commentary in hyperbolic, knee-jerk soundbites?
Kornheiser: Right. Can I use a paper mask of myself attached to a popsicle stick?
Kornheiser: (turns to camera, with mask) It’s more than a dark day, Jaws. This is the worst possible thing that could have happened to the NFL. This is the pro football equivalent of Kelly Ripa leaving Live with Regis and Kelly. The face of the entire league just got carted out of here! I mean, besides Brett Favre, one would be hard-pressed to name fifteen other players in the whole league.
Jaws: (annoyed) Come on, Tony…
Kornheiser: No Jaws, go ahead, name me fifteen other players besides Brett Favre in the NFL. Name them…
Jaws: LaDainian Tomlinson, Carson Palmer, Marvin Harrison, Jason Taylor, Eli…
Kornheiser: Who was that last one?
Jaws: Jason Taylor?
Kornheiser: Come on, who’s Jason Taylor?
Jaws: Plays for the Dolphins? Defensive player of the year last year?
Kornheiser: O.K., Jaws, I mean players that the rest of America knows. Nobody watches the defense. Face it, Brett Favre is the NFL. Women want to be with him, men want to be in him.
All: (Awkward silence)
Kornheiser: Of course I meant, “want to be him.” (forlorn) There…there was a time when I actually watched the games…
Tirico: We’ll be back, hopefully with an update on Brett Favre’s condition, after this short commercial break.