Mon 29 Jun 2009
You may be surprised to learn that the Counting Crows are still a band back on tour. I certainly was.
I was also excited. Not because I plan on seeing them, but because I really wanted to do a “Punchable Faces of…Adam Duritz”, and the fact that they are touring makes it seem like I am reacting to the news, rather than trying to make a post that would have seemed dated two years ago appear marginally relevant.
It’s tough to pick out what irks me most about pop music’s resident man-muppet. Is it his voice, with its spastic shifts in pitch and volume that make him sound like Bobcat Goldthwait’s slightly more melodic brother? Is it his paid-by-the-word approach to lyric-writing (average time per Crows song during which Duritz is not singing: 3 seconds*)? Is it the fact that he dated Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox, but not struggling musician Phoebe Buffay, which makes him seem like an asshole for snubbing the one female Friend whose career he could have helped? Or is it that I can’t reconcile my annoyance with the fact that I still know every single word to August & Everything After (damn its hypnotic jangly melodies!)?
Actually, the thing that bugs me most was summed up nicely by the man himself in an interview he did with Rolling Stone last year. On why he has so many haters:
“My life looks perfect, and I’ve been whining about it for years…I could have said at the very beginning, ‘I have lost my mind. I am mentally ill. I have to take all these medications that make me fat.’ And then everything would have been different.”
Yep, that’s got to be it. We just needed to hear more about how difficult it is being Adam Duritz. Because five studio albums and countless interviews where you discuss almost nothing but isn’t enough. We need, nay, demand, a minimum three-volume autobiography (perhaps with authentic reproductions of childhood finger paintings showing that, even then, you had a predisposition towards the colour blue), a five-part Oprah interview, and an entire album’s worth of atrocious Joni Mitchell covers. Then and only then will we understand the horrors of growing up the son of two doctors, reaching national stardom at an age when you were far too young to handle the pressure (August & Everything After broke when Adam was at the tender age of 30; suck it up, Britney), and being “left in shock” at the pressure of being “hailed as the new Nirvana” (an actual Duritz quote).
Or maybe we just need to vent a little early-week frustration with an (unquestionably) timely piece that in no way can be considered kicking a man when he’s down. Yes, that’s the ticket.
And speaking of tickets - if you happen to be in the Sarnia, Ontario area on July 9th…I’m told that plenty are still available.
* Source: Elias Sports Bureau.
The “Wants You to Guess What The Matter Is”
The “This Next One Goes Out To All My Sexy Guitar Players’ Wives Out There…”
The “Failing the Roadside Sobriety Test”
The “Paul Reubens Redux”
The “Startled That the Midget Could Talk”
The “Batman Villain”
The “It’s Not Your Fault, Will”
The “Correction - You Wish You Could Pull This Off”
The “Jilted Prom Date”
The “Thinks He’s A Chameleon”
The “Moments Before the Probing”
The “Considerate While You Vacuum”
The “I Said…Hic…I Said PLAY SOMESING I KNOW THE WORDSH TO!”
_________________
More Punchable Faces:
June 30th, 2009 at 5:43 am
Why couldn’t the good lord jesus christ have spared Billy Mays, Ed McMahon, or the hot old lady, and called home Adam during the week of B-leberty Reckoning?
June 30th, 2009 at 7:03 am
This was long over due. Btw, are The Wallflowers opening up for Counting Crows on this tour?
June 30th, 2009 at 8:30 am
Nope, they are busy opening for Maroon 5 on their “Estrogeneration Y” tour.
June 30th, 2009 at 8:58 am
I, too, take medicines that make me fat. They’re called “donuts.” Two per day keeps the ladies away…
June 30th, 2009 at 9:14 am
@rusrus, I refer to donuts as “fat pills”. Delicious fat pills.
@Spud, i thought Train was opening for Maroon 5?
/I hate my-self for knowing about these bands
June 30th, 2009 at 9:44 am
@ Upstate Underdog:
Semisonic will be selling popcorn at that show. Until closing time, of course.
June 30th, 2009 at 10:28 am
How about the face right before he bones Courtney Cox? Or Jennifer Aniston? Or Mary Louise-Parker?
Are you angry enough yet? Can I stop?
June 30th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Big shocker hearing a defence of Duritz from the guy who got this:
http://cdn.stereogum.com/img/duritz_tattoo.jpg
June 30th, 2009 at 10:44 am
In many cultures that tattoo is regarded as a symbol of royalty. Like a Stonecutters birthmark. Or a “Don’t Mess With The Chef” barbecue apron.
June 30th, 2009 at 11:10 am
“Straight Edge” + A tattoo of a dude on your back = does not compute.
June 30th, 2009 at 11:27 am
When I think think straight edge the bands that come to mind are Minor Threat, 7 Sesonds, Counting Cro……what?
June 30th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
@ Gourmet Spud:
Why would someone who got a tattoo of Chris Kirkpatrick give a shit about Adam Duritz?
http://sparklepants.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/braids.jpg
June 30th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
I heard that their second encore in Guelph they played nothing but Toad the Wet Sprocket covers.
June 30th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
If you put the “failing roadside sobriety test” head on “considerate while vaccuuming” body, you would have a picture of me after Uncle Burt spent the weekend.
June 30th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Where is “the Sideshow Bob”?
July 1st, 2009 at 6:04 am
[…] Spud and his punchable faces. My favorite! [FCL] […]
July 1st, 2009 at 9:17 am
My favorite: The “Considerate While You Vacuum.”
July 1st, 2009 at 9:43 am
@samerochocinco: That one was also my favourite. Reminds me when I watch tv and my mom has to vacuum at the same time and won’t leave until I raise my feet.
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:11 am
[…] Post Title? The Punchable Faces of Adam Duritz. Author? Gourmet Spud. [Food Court Lunch] […]
July 10th, 2009 at 8:48 am
So good we linked it twice.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
you don’t understand the nature of depersonalized disorder. if you did you would understand that no matter how many courtney coxes he fucks he will still feel pretty much nothing inside. kicking adam duritz is always kicking a man when he’s down. i wouldn’t trade place with that dude for anything.
August 25th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
[…] Adam Duritz […]
September 3rd, 2009 at 12:11 pm
[…] Why couldn’t the good lord jesus christ have spared Billy Mays, Ed McMahon , or the hot old lady, and called home Adam during the week of B-leberty Reckoning? Upstate Underdog Says: June 30th, 2009 at 7:03 am. This was long over due. …Continue Reading… […]
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