What food-related misadventure is next for our boys?

If you were not aware of it already, Hollywood is back at it again with another movie based on the life of a famous rapper. Upon hearing this news, we are sure that your initial reaction was, “Oooh, how exciting! I loved the Fat Boys in “Disorderlies.” This should be one hour and twenty-five minutes of comic hi-jinx and inoffensive rapping.” Sadly, prepare for disappointment. Once again, Hollywood has betrayed the viewing public (that’s you, dear readers!). This planned movie is not going to be made in the vein of the ’80s comic masterpieces such as Dr. Dre and Ed Lover’s “Who’s the Man?”, Kid & Play’s “House Party”, or Too Short’s “One-Eyed Suicidal Midget: A Love Story”. No, that would be too “easy”, “predictable” or “racist”. Instead, the proposed film is going to be one of those dull, overearnest efforts along the lines of “Get Rich or Die Trying” or “8 Mile”. This is not what the people want! Where’s the dancing? Where’s the tomfoolery? Where’s the bojangling that white audiences understand and love? So, Jason Whitlock, it appears that you’re whispering in the ears of Hollywood, too.

What the fuck are you smiling about? Whitlock hates you.

Although we are sure you are entirely disinterested by now and have left this site to go to YouTube to find old clips from “Krush Groove” (you don’t have to leave — look here!), we will still give you the important details about this new film. It is going to be a biographical piece about Christopher Wallace, a.k.a. the Notorious B.I.G, a.ka. Biggie Smalls, a.k.a Fatty the Bullet Sponge.

Food Court Lunch Exclusive Trivia: The photographer was able to create this shot by surrounding the camera lense with pieces of fudge.

If you are unfamiliar with this gentleman, he was a legendary rapper who served as “Blaster” to Puff Daddy’s “Master” in the mid 1990’s.

Not pictured: The Lox

To summarize: Biggie was morbidly obese and rapped about drug dealing and its related trappings. He was one of the main parties involved in the East Coast/West Coast feud that engulfed the industry. Our recollection is that his main enemies were 2-Pac, Kill or B Killed, Professor Murder and Pickles.

Sadly, the Notorious B.I.G. was shot to death in a drive-by shooting on March 9, 1997 in Los Angeles. Some say that the murder was a retaliation for the Las Vegas murder of his nemesis, 2-Pac, the previous year. Others say that God just doesn’t like fat people and the Good Lord works in mysterious, drive-byish ways. The real lesson that came from this sad episode in the often turbulent history of rap is that Biggie should have stayed the fuck out of the west side. Word.

Pictured above: Suge Knight.

The producers of the film (Biggie’s mother, Puff Daddy and Antoine Fuqua - the Holy Trinity of Film-making) are currently attempting to cast the film. They are holding open auditions for the role of Biggie, hoping to find a young, up-and-coming rap unknown who will take Hollywood by storm and hopefully last the duration of shooting without dying of diabetes-related complications or heart failure.

We at Food Court Lunch have decided to throw our hats into the casting ring and have compiled a list of possible actors to play the part of the Notorious B.I.G. So, ladies and gentlemen, drop your skirts and/or trousers and saddle up next to us on the casting couch as we show you who’s B.I.G. right now:

1. Guerrilla Black

Who is this Guerilla Black character they mention in the MTV article linked above? Well, it’s obvious - Christopher Wallace never died. He simply disappeared for several years and came back as Guerilla Black. This is freaky, mind-blowing stuff. He looks like Biggie. He sounds like Biggie. He wheezes like Biggie. He is likely destined for an early grave like Biggie. This is basically a slam dunk.

Sadly, this casting choice is much too obvious. Why, it would be like casting 50 Cent in a movie about 50 Cent, or like casting Eminem in a movie about Eminem. There’s no way that such an idea could be successful.

2. Anthony Anderson

No go. He was murdered by one of the CTU agents from “24″. You know, the guy who tagged Elisha Cuthbert. Our guess is that she put him up to it. Racist Canadian bitch.

3. Charles Barkley

He’s fat, and we’re unoriginal. What do you want from us?

Street credibility, anyone?

4. Rosie O’Donnell

Why Rosie? Because, as I understand it, life imitates art. Accordingly, if Rosie ends up getting shot to death, no one will end up regretting this casting choice.

5. Mo’nique

Also known as the Unhumourous B.I.G.. Seriously, just shave the head and we are halfway there.

6. Louie Anderson

Why? Because Louie needs a job, goddammit! Louie is hungry. Sooo hungry. They only give him a single portion of food at the men’s shelter and everyone knows that Louie needs more than one share. Louie’s got to eat, man. Louie’s got to eat.

7. Crisco

Sadly, Sisqo was confused and showed up for the audition in its place.

8. Danny Glover

What? He’s a good actor. Unfortunately, Mr. Glover had to drop out of the audition process. Apparently he’s too old for this shit.

Pictured above: Danny Glover and Mel Gibson laughing at something anti-semitic.

9. A Pig

Hear us out. We’ve got to get kids to see this movie. Sadly, as we understand it, kids hate rap music and obese parents hate looking at other fat people. However, Hollywood history and common sense tell us that kids love pigs and that fatties love bacon. Casting a pig would be a coup, a stroke of sheer genius. The movie will be like an urban “Babe”.

Shit, that’s already been done. On to the final choice, and the obvious winner…

10. C. Thomas Howell

When we think of a young, black superstar, we think C. Thomas Howell. When we think of Notorious B.I.G., I think of “Ponyboy” in black-face. This combination can’t lose. Unless he’s working on “Side-Out II - Sandstorm“, there should be little difficulty in securing him for the role. If you’re worried about the rapping, it can be dubbed over. Quite frankly, the new Notorious B.I.G. movie can’t afford not to have an actor like Mr. Howell in the role. He slips so easily into the rough patois of the ghetto that one would think a man like him had three, not two, choices: slinging crack rock, having a wicked jump shot and performing on stage and screen:

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