Hey! Do you guys remember fiction?

Harken back to the Golden Age of Television, when you could turn on your TV and watch a story scripted from a writer’s imagination and portrayed by actors pretending to be the characters in the story!  It could be a very special episode of T.J. Hooker or a mini-series about Sally Field refusing to leave places without her daughter.  It didn’t matter, because you knew what you were getting: A brief respite from the real world and its endless stream of self-absorbed assholes.

Nowadays, nearly everything you see on television falls within one of two categories of ‘reality television’: you’re either going to see a married couple yelling at each other while waiting in line at an airport, or you’re going to see one of the Baldwin brothers struggle with some form of addiction. It’s so real.

You have to search hard for a real TV movie these days.  But they’re out there.  Go ahead.  Turn on your TV.  Chances are, if there’s a movie on, it’s one of these 5 movies which have stood the test of time:

The 5 Movies That Are Always on TV:

5.    Tremors

This irreverent hoe-down of a movie about an isolated desert town terrorized by some sort of giant underground worm-creature is perhaps the crowning feather in actor Kevin Bacon’s cap.  Perfect for TV because it doesn’t pretend to be a good movie.

Fun Fact:     The success of Tremors momentarily blinded its producers into thinking that Tremors II: Aftershocks, Tremors III: Back to Perfection, Tremors IV: The Legend Begins, Tremors V: The Thunder from Down Under, The Making of Tremors, and ‘You’re on the Set of Tremors IV: The Legend Begins’ were bankable projects.  Seriously.

4.     Caddyshack

A coming of age story about an aspiring caddy who shakes up the class structure of a staid country club by deigning to have sex with a judge’s virginal daughter.  Perfect for TV because while you’re not likely to pay $11 to see Rodney Dangerfield play golf on the big screen, you are likely to neglect your parenting duties for an entire Sunday afternoon to watch Ted Knight repeatedly lose his shit.

Fun Fact:  Caddyshack was outdone in every way by its sequel, Caddyshack II.

3.     Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Never seen it. 

Fun Fact:     According to IMDB, it stars Sarah Jessica Parker’s husband.

2.     Top Gun

Tom Cruise’s nod to 1980’s homosexual sensibilities.  Also, Kelly McGillis’s last paycheque.  Perfect for TV because jets are awesome.

Fun Fact:     The film ran over budget due to the extraordinary special effects required to show Tom Cruise spiking a volleyball over a net.

1.     Roadhouse

The undisputed king of all TV movies.  I can guarantee you that right now, Roadhouse is playing on at least one station on your TV (in all likelihood, it will be a network based somewhere near Atlanta).  I challenge you to come across Roadhouse on TV and not watch it through to completion (or at least to a scene where Dalton totally kicks some guy’s ass).

Fun Fact:    Contrary to popular belief, Patrick Swayze uttered the famous line “Nobody puts Baby in the corner” in Roadhouse and not in Dirty Dancing.

Honourable Mentions:

Cobra

Commando (”CHENNY!!!!!”)

Donnie Brasco

Point Break

Braveheart