Well, kids, All Hallow’s Eve / Halloween / Hallowe’en / Candy Night is just around the corner, which means that it’s time to start thinking about what costume you are going to don for this holiest of bastardized pagan rituals. But if you’re like me (lazy, a chronic masturbator and mildly hunchbacked), you don’t have the energy to come up with a costume idea of your own. That is why I have compiled the following comprehensive top 10 list of Halloween costumes that is guaranteed to offer a little something for everyone, regardless of income bracket, race, creed, religion, fetish, education level or physical deformity. Enjoy!

1. Stripper

Easy, economical and a hit at parties, the stripper costume is always a crowd pleaser. For those unfamiliar with this particular outfit, it can be assembled in two easy steps: (1) wear whatever you feel most comfortable in (choose wisely); (2) take off what you just put on.

Before hitting the town in this perennial favourite, however, there are a few caveats to bear in mind. First of all, you must be female. We at Food Court Lunch pride ourselves on our unapologetic feminist agenda, and we will not sit idly by and watch this timeless representation of the sacred feminine be co-opted by oppressive male factions. More to the point, we’re not into naked dudes (except Gourmet Spud, and we respect and support his choice).

Secondly, you must be hot (and still female). And I don’t mean “my friends tell me I’m hot”, or ”bookish” hot. I mean really hot. If you have to ask yourself whether you fall into this category, you don’t. If you look like Jessica Alba, you’re good to go. If you look like Jessica Fletcher, keep reading because this first costume ain’t for you.

 

 

 

2. The Archetypal Naughty Schoolgirl

Classy and inventive, the schoolgirl outfit takes inappropriate to the next level.  Nothing says Halloween fun like dressing up in the same clothing you wore as a pre-pubescent child, sexified by 200%. What is more, this nifty little outfit expands your options when it comes to the “trick” portion of “trick or treat”. As with costume suggestion no. 1, however, there are restrictions. In the words of the Hooters’ job application form, no dudes and no fatties.

 

 

 

3. Second Tier Historical Political Figures

I defy you to name a party that you have attended where you didn’t have an absolute blast when someone came dressed up as Millard Fillmore! It’s simply not possible. The only thing better than playing dress-up and eating candy is playing dress-up and eating candy whilst learnin’ about obscure historical factoids! Not sure which historical figure to dress up as? Well, here’s a helpful list to get you started:

• Paias Wingti (overdone, but still entertaining)
• Mathias Mongenast (for those Wingti haters among you)
• Professor Juma Athuman Kapuya (make sure none of your friends are also going as the Professor - two Jumas is one too many)
• Albert Zafy (better known as “The Zafster”)
• Stephen Harper (sounds made up, but apparently exists)

 

 

 

4. A Second Tier Historical Political Stripper

Do you know what happens when you combine two billiant ideas? That’s right - you get three brilliant ideas (trust me, the math works). Here is a perfect example. The only thing people enjoy more than the naked female form is history. Accordingly, combining these two passions into a single costume idea is guaranteed to be a blockbuster Halloween success! Can you imagine the reception you will receive when you show up at the party dressed as a scantily clad Vaira Vikis-Freiberga!? Gentlemen, the line forms behind me…

 

 

 

5. A Different Ethnicity Than Your Own

You know what’s always funny? Race. And what’s funnier than imitating someone else’s race, ideally by means of some sort of stereotypical portrayal that demeans an entire ethnic group? Over 200 years of hilarious blackface comedy can’t be wrong!!

 

 

 

6. Your Favourite Existentialist Philosopher

In the words of the great Jay Sherman, “Camus can do, but Sartre is smartre”… I have no idea what that has to do with anything, but here’s your chance to bust out that lederhosen and ascot tie in honour of your favourite Bavarian existentialist! Kierkegaard? Nietzsche? Heidegger? Shore (Pauly)? It doesn’t matter which great thinker you adhere to, just get out there and dress like an academic ponce! And be sure to talk down to those who don’t recognize your portrayal - nothing kills at a party like intellectual snobbery.

 

 

 

7. Your Favourite Existentialist Stripper

Nothing goes together like titties and Sartrean existentialism. Nothing. You throw in some Reese Peanut Butter Cups, and you have yourself a Halloween party complete with two of God’s greatest combinations.

 

 

 

8. Boba Fett

The Fett rules!!

 

 

9. Lesser Known Members of Famous Bands

Every year someone inevitably pulls out the old David Bowie or Kiss costume, or dons the Freddie Mercury onesy that they have stored in the attic for those special occasions. But what about the forgotten members of once great bands? This Halloween season, it’s time to break the mold and/or mould. Here are a few suggestions:

• The keyboardist from Gowan (or Lawrence Gowan himself)
• Any member of Winger
• Hector Samuel Juan Tico Torres
• Any member of Zit Remedy (and yes, this is a famous band where I am from)
• The chimes player (the “chimesist”) from REO Speedwagon
• The sousaphonist from Jefferson Starship
• All three members of LFO (note - while the individual members of LFO have somehow managed to remain relatively unknown in the music world as individuals, it would be sacrilege to break up a supergroup like LFO. Accordingly, this costume will require 3 people to pull it off)

 

10. If all else fails…

You can just use your children as horribly inappropriate Halloween props, like these parents did:

Happy Halloween, everyone!