…well, let me just say that I’m surprised to hear that language from someone who is supposedly in the customer service industry! Good day to you, too, sir!

Alright, shake it off, Benny, shake it off. Lemme see, who’s next? Okay. Here we go. Come on, pick up. Oh, h-hello? Is this “Sloppy Bo’s”? It is? Great. And am I speaking to Bo himself? Oh, there is no Bo? Well, then can I speak to your purchaser, please? Sure, the head bartender’s fine. Sure, I can hold.

Hello? Hello, who am I speaking with? Oh, hi there, Lisa. It’s Ben Lutz calling. I’m with the Lutz Make a Deal Sales Agency. I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time? Oh, I certainly understand you’re busy, but it will just take…short-staffed tonight, huh? Well, it is hard to find good help, you don’t need me to tell you that. But what if I were to tell you that with the extra sales I’m about to earn you, you’re going to have to go out and hire three more unreliable, out-of-work actors just to keep up with the demand? Got your attention now, don’t I? Ha. That’s just great.

Now I’m going to ask you a very important question, Lisa, so I need you to be straight up with me - who designs your ice?

I see. Little rectangular fella, you say? Goes by the name of “Arctic Glacier”? No, I can’t say I’m familiar with his…

Oh, I see. You’re having fun with me. Heh heh heh, that’s a good one.

Lisa, let me read you a snippet from a recent article in The Globe & Mail newspaper. Are you familiar with this publication? Of course, I certainly wasn’t insinuating….no, I can assure you I have nothing but respect for the intelligence of bartenders. I’m always astounded at how you can remember how to make so many different kinds of drinks. Anything more complicated than a Jack and Coke and forget about it, you lost me. Anyway, let me get back to my point.

This article in the Globe’s “Life” section discusses the “new breed of picky gourmets” who are fussy “about size, shape and clarity” when choosing which ice to use in cocktails. And this is a trend we’ve been seeing a lot of with today’s more discerning brand of bar patron. And I know for a fact that nothing but the best is demanded from the customers of…it’s “Sloppy Bo’s”, is it?

What’s that? Well, yes, I can certainly understand how paying for ice during a historic economic crisis might appear to be…well, I’m not sure I’d use the words “unfathomably douchetastic”, but…I see. Had to let go half your staff, eh? That’s just awful. Well, times are tough all over.

Did I tell you that we have ones with little edible flowers inside?

Okay, okay, I can tell those aren’t for you. But please, hear me out. We are talking about something that will make a real, tangible difference in your product. For the discerning connoisseur, the right ice is crucial. For instance, we’ve got these large frozen balls that a good scotch will just…well, it will just flow beautifully around. And at only $1.25 a cube…

What’s that? Oh, you’re a newspaperman’s hang out, are you? Well, there you go! I mean, The Globe & Mail is a newspaper, and they’ve got a whole article about…hmm. I see. No, I hadn’t heard. The whole industry’s been hit that hard, has it? Well, I’m sure things will pick up. After all, where else are people going to get their news? Really? You don’t say? And you can just call all that right up on your computer screen? Jeez. The times we live in…

Listen, you seem like a straight-shooter. Tell you what I’m going to do. I can get you a great deal on a top-of-the-line Sub-Zero Under Counter Ice Maker. Brand new, twenty-eight…no, for you, twenty-six hundred dollars. What do you…hello? Hello? Son of a…

Hello, Lisa? Ben Lutz calling back, I believe we got cut…excuse me? Well, that’s a heckuva way for a lady to talk! Does your father know that you…hello? DAMNIT!

Man. Tough day. I need a drink. Ahhhhhh. That’s the stuff.

You know…these round ice cubes really don’t add shit.

Okay, come on Benny, back on the horse. No quitting now. Next on the list. Hello? Is this “The Friendly Igloo”? Uh-huh. And who am I speaking with? Keelut, eh? Why, that’s an interesting name. What is it?

Inuit, you say? Like…like Eskimo?

Well, I’m calling to sell you some…

…you know what? Never mind.