If you’re like me, you enjoy the refreshing taste of Diet Slice, you suffer from what is commonly referred to as “yellow fever”, and you religiously watch Chuck in the vain hope that the producers will eventually resort to a money shot:

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Also, you miss television from the 1980s. Not so much for the “clever” plot twists, the strained laugh tracks or even the vaguely homo-erotic subcontext, but mostly for the music. Gone are the days of the soul-wrenching ballads and the insightful “slice of life” jingles that would let you know that you were in for an hour-long (or half-hour, as the case may be) roller coaster ride of emotion and sub-par special effects. Today’s audience is forced to endure insipid offerings like the Euro-pop virgin theme of Friends or the four-note bass solo from Seinfeld. Alternatively, shows will just phone it in and purchase an existing song from a starving artist in an effort to cut production costs (I am looking at you, producers of The O.C.).

And so, as an homage to the Jan Hammers of yesteryear, we present our definitive list of the greatest television theme songs of all time (with accompanying links to musical gems that will undoubtedly change your life) . And yes, this has been done before, but not with our insightful commentary…

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10) Magnum P.I. -  The preimse of this show had it all: Ferraris, scantily clad women, a faux-British “estate manager”, moustaches, helicopter rides, moustache rides… So what was the final piece of the puzzle? Simple - a feedback-laden guitar riff accompanied by a string quartet. You bring in a little cheesey keyboard at the 17-second mark, and you have yourself a masterpiece! Thank you for your bounty, Donald P. Bellisario.

9) Charles in Charge - Admittedly, Scott Baio doesn’t need to be accompanied by theme music, given that angels sing when he enters a room. He is, after all, Bob Loblaw. Nevertheless, the creators of Charles in Charge decided that it was essential to kick the show off each week with a recap of the show’s basic premise. Millions of children would have been completely lost on a weekly basis by the show’s ingenius plot were it not for the helpful guidance offered by this clever theme song. Well played, weird Belinda Carlisle-esque singer lady.

8 ) Family Ties - Go ahead and have a listen… Alright, now wipe your eyes, quit sobbing and man up. Your weakness is sullying the memory of Alex P. Keaton, dammit! For as this song taught me many years ago, life can be summed up in four simple words: sha na na naaa…

7) Mr. Belvedere - Bring it on, Uecker! The only thing better is Stewie’s redux.

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6) Perfect Strangers - The show that introduced the world to a young Bronson Pinchot also unleashed one of the greatest 80s theme songs of all time. Pinchot would go on to play a gay art dealer, whereas this theme song would go on to play on my iPod.

5) Head of the Class - Perhaps you’re more of a purist, who doesn’t like to be distracted by insightful lyrics. Well, my friend, Howard Hesseman’s theme jam is right up your alley, with its fusion of Elizabethan lutes and glam rock keyboard riffs. Interestingly, it is one of the only songs ever written that sounds exactly the same when converted to Muzak.

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4) WKRP - What goes better with a pair of Loni Anderson’s giant melons than the smooth groove of the WKPR theme song? Nothing, that’s what! Hell, the music for this show was so damn good that they had to have a different outro.

3) The Facts of Life - You want life lessons? You want soul? You want a group of budding lesbians sitting on an old lady’s couch? You got it!

2) 21 Jump Street - That’s right - I said it. 21 Jump Street makes number 2 on my list, so suck it. Whether you were tuning in to see Johnny or his non-unionized Hispanic equivalent, Richard, you were guaranteed at least 58 seconds of joy in every episode.

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1) Greatest American Hero - What’s that? You need a plot synopsis coupled with a Casio keyboard? Done and done! It’s also one of the few theme songs in history to have TWO verses! Thank you, nappy headed American hero guy - you truly were the greatest…

Editor’s Note - I should point out that the theme songs to Miami Vice and The A-Team were intentionally omitted from this list on the theory that these qualify as free-standing musical creations which are not mere “theme” songs…

Also, I forgot:
The Dukes of Hazzard
Airwolf
Riptide
Simon & Simon
Hardcastle & McCormick
The Fall Guy
Street Hawk
Hunter
CHIPS
MacGyver 

Why? Because I am lazy and I ran out of room. Go make your own list, Judgey McSmarty Pants.