Our favourite story this week has to be the news that Freddie Mitchell has a blog. Even better, he answers reader mail on it. Even better, he answers reader mail like this (in response to a question about that time he acted as a substitute teacher at an Indiana High School):

Kyle Garis: When you were a substitute teacher, did any kids ever hand in a test and say “I just want to thank my #2 Pencil for being so great”?

Fred Sez: Kyle, the substitute teacher thing was a big rumor … I did an appearance at the school, but my main reason for being there was to gather some valuable information on my little girls Mother’s, brother. I guess you could call it Freddie Mitchell undercover cop!

Information gathering, eh? On his little girl’s mother’s brother? I wonder what that was about. Luckily, for some very strange reason, someone transcribed the class that Freddie taught, and we managed to get our hands on it! We’re as surprised as you are. But you can read it below.

_____________________________________

(November 2006. High school health class at Mishawaka High School in Mishawaka, Indiana)

Teacher: Okay class, listen up. We’re in for a very special treat today. Instead of our planned lesson on sexually transmitted diseases….

Class: (snickers)

Teacher: Alright, settle down. Instead of our planned lesson, we’re going to hear from a guest speaker. And not just any guest speaker, but a former professional athlete.

Class: (murmurs of excitement)

Teacher: His name is Fred Mitchell. He’s a former NFL player, and he is here to speak to us about the importance of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. So everyone please give a warm welcome, and your undivided attention, to Mr. Mitchell. (turns to Freddie Mitchell) Mr. Mitchell, the floor is yours.

Mitchell: Hey, thanks very much, teacher lady. Hi there kids, how y’all doing today?

Class: (unenthusiastic) Fine.

Mitchell: Come on, you can do better than that. I said, “how y’all doing today”?

Class: (slightly less unenthusiastic) Fine.

Mitchell: Now we’re talking. So as your teacher said, my name is Freddie Mitchell, but you probably know me best as…(dramatic pause)…Mr. 4th and 26!

Class: (stares blankly)

Mitchell: Oh, come on now. Fred-Ex?

Class: (stares blankly)

Mitchell: What the f…y’all don’t know who Freddie Mitchell is? I thought this was supposed to be a history class!

Teacher: It’s a health class.

Mitchell: Man, whatever. Anyway, I’m also your classmate Michael’s brother-in-law.

Michael: You’re not my brother-in-law. You’re not married to my sister. She just had your baby.

Class: Ooooooohhhh.

Mitchell: Watch your tone, Michael. You know I’m going to do right by her. I just need to get my financial situation in order is all.

Teacher: Um, Mr. Mitchell?

Mitchell: Yeah?

Teacher: You…were going to talk to the students about healthy living?

Mitchell: Right, right. I’m here to tell you kids how to live right. As a professional athlete, there is nothing more important than keeping in shape, eating right, and staying away from the things in life that can really screw you up. Can you kids tell me what some of those things might be?

Student: Steroids?

Mitchell: Yeah, yeah, steroids are bad. But I’m thinking about something else.

Student: Marijuana.

Mitchell: Okay, fine. But what else?

Student: Herpes!

Class: (bursts out laughing)

Teacher: T.J.!

Mitchell: Sure, you don’t want that. But come on, you’re missing the big one.

Class: (silent)

Mitchell: Michael, how about you? Anything else you can think of?

Michael: (glares at Mitchell)

Mitchell: Maybe something you and your friends did this weekend, some time between Friday afternoon and Sunday morning?

Michael: Report you for not paying child support?

Class: (bursts out laughing)

Mitchell: THAT WAS Y….(gathers self)…I mean, no, man.  I’m talking about alcohol, children. (eyes Michael suspiciously) You need to avoid taking alcohol.

Michael: (rolls eyes)

Mitchell: Because you know what happens when you do alcohol, kids? You get distracted from your day job. And when you get distracted, you become vulnerable. And when you become vulnerable, your coaches and teammates will stab you in the back, and start talking trash about you in the media, even though without you, they never would have made the playoffs, let alone the damn Super Bowl…

Teacher: Mr. Mitchell?

Mitchell: Huh? Oh yeah. Where was I?

Teacher: You were talking about how alcohol can ruin a career.

Mitchell: Yeah, right. And you know how? Because it leads to addiction! And addiction can make you do terrible things. Can anyone name one of the terrible things that addiction leads people to do?

Student: Prostitution!

Mitchell: Yeah, that’s one. But what else?

Smelly, sad-looking student: Forgetting your son’s birthday?

Mitchell: Okay, a drunk daddy might forget it’s your birthday every now and then. But something more important.

Smelly, sad-looking student: (lowers head)

Mitchell: Anyone?

Class: (silent)

Mitchell: Michael, how about you? What might addiction make an otherwise good kid do?

Michael: (glares at Freddie)

Mitchell: (eyes Michael suspiciously) What’s something else that someone might do in order to  support their…

Michael: (jumps up) God damn it! I didn’t steal your vodka!

Mitchell: (angrily) Oh, so I suppose a 40-ouncer of Georgi just gets up and walks out your mom’s bedroom closet by itself then, huh? That thing cost me my last $11, Michael! I need it!

Michael: Maybe you drank it when you were already wasted on all those mini-bottles you stole from the airport.

Mitchell: Hey! Don’t you go spreading that libelous nonsense now!

Michael: I’ll say whatever I want, Freddie Bitch-ell!

Class: Ooooooohhhhhh!

Mitchell: Oh, that’s it. (rushes at Michael) You’re going to give me $11, you drink-stealing little…

Teacher: (grabs Freddie by the collar) Mr. Mitchell! Leave this classroom immediately before I call the police!

Mitchell: (fixing collar) Alright, alright. No need to get crazy now. I’m leaving. (to Michael) I’ll see you at home, young man.

Michael: Man, whatever.

Teacher: Sit down, Michael.

(Freddie walks out into hallway, dials number on cell phone)

Mitchell: Hey Derrick, it’s me. I didn’t find it yet. I’m pretty sure Diane’s punk little brother took it, but I’m going to have to do some more investigating. Anyways, we don’t have anything for the double date with those two girls from Subway tonight, so you’re going to need to swipe another case of them minis. The hell you won’t! You think Freddie Mitchell hangs out with a baggage handler for all your cool stories? Aw, come on man, I didn’t mean it like that…