(Apartment of Allison Mathis, now infamous ex-girlfriend of Chris Bosh and mother of his five-month-old baby. Mathis is putting her baby down in his playpen. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door)

Allison: Just a second! (opens door to find a smiling Jose Calderon) Oh, Jose! What a surprise!

Jose: Oh, hello Allison. I am so sorry for the interrupting. I was just in the neighbourhood, and I thought I would stop in and say hello.

Allison: You were just in Maryland?

Jose: Oh, yes. I come down here quite often for you wonderful…um…birdwatching.

Allison: I see. Well…come on in.

Jose: Oh, thank you.

Allison: Sorry the place is such a mess. Everything’s been crazy around here since little Chris Jr. was born. (gestures to baby in crib)

Jose: (stares at baby coldly) Yes. I can imagine.

Allison: Can I get you something to drink?

Jose: Do you have chocolate milk?

Allison: I can make some.

Jose: Oh, if it is no too much bother.

Allison: Not at all. I’ll be right back.

(Allison walks into the kitchen. Jose immediately runs over to the playpen)

Jose: So we finally meet, eh? You, who are so small in person, but who causes such BIG problems for Jose and his team? Well, I come here to tell you that it is ENOUGH! Your baby games are over! You are to stay away and make no more problems for Chris Bosh! Do you understand? Make a baby noise if you underst…

(Allison returns from the kitchen)

Allison: Here’s your chocolate milk, Jose.

Jose: (startled) Oh! Yes, thank you. (takes sip, smiles) It is just the way Jose likes it.

Allison: You’re welcome, honey. So…I guess some of the guys are pretty mad at me, huh?

Jose: You? Of course not! How could it be such?

Allison: Well, I never wanted for this whole thing with Chris to go public, or be such a big distraction for the team.

Jose: Don’t be silly, Allison. (glances at baby) It is not your fault.

Allison: Well, that’s kind of you to say. (A phone rings in the other room) Excuse me, Jose. I’ll be right back.

Jose: (menacingly) No, it is not your fault….

(Allison walks into kitchen)

Jose: (lunges at baby) …it is THE FAULT OF YOU! You, and the ways of your kind! You have taken away Jose’s chance at the playoffs! Well, now Jose shall take away something you love. (looks around) Give me that laughing Indian doll!


(Grabs doll. The baby starts crying)

Jose: Oh, it makes you sad, does it? Well, now you know how Jose must feel when he cannot play basketball in May, you smelly…(baby grabs and twists Jose’s nose)

Jose: NYAAAHHH! Monstruo! Let go of…

(Allison returns from the kitchen)

Allison: Stupid telemarketers, always calling…hey, what’s wrong, pumpkin? (picks up baby)

Jose: (rubbing nose) It just start crying all of a sudden. I, uh, try to cheer it up by pointing at him with the little red face man, but I guess Jose is no good with babies.

Allison: Don’t be silly, Jose. He’s probably just hungry or something. I’m going to go warm up his bottle. Would you mind holding him for a second?

Jose: Excuse me?

Allison: It’s real easy. Just hold him by the bottom and support his head. (passes baby to Jose)

Jose: Oh! It is so light.

Allison: See, you’re a natural. I’ll be back in a minute. (walks into kitchen)

(Jose and the baby stare at each other)

Jose: Well…look at you. So tiny and round. Like…like a little baby basketball.

(The baby smiles)

Jose: Oh, Jose can no be mad at it! It is too precious! I am sorry, baby, for all the things I say. I hope that we can be friends and…

(Suddenly, a golden stream hits Jose in the eyes)

Jose: GAAAHHHH! The eyes! The eyes with which I see the floor! YOU! You do that on purpose! And after Jose offers you friendship…

(Baby kicks Jose in the groin)

Jose: Dios mio! You feet are like little anvils! Well, two can play at this game! (goes to bite baby on the head, but baby bites down hard on his finger)


(Allison returns to room)

Allison: Alright, it’s all ready to…JOSE! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE! (snatches baby from Jose)

Jose: That baby is bad news! It has ruined Jose’s team!

Allison: Are you nuts? He’s FIVE MONTHS OLD!

Jose: It should go to prison for all he has done!

Allison: Alright, look. I’m going to give you five seconds to get out of here, or I’m going to call the police. Do you understand?

Jose: Oh, of course you would take his side! You too are so much alike!

Allison: He’s my SON!

Jose: Yes, like mother, like baby. Do you think Jose forgets how you make us lose to LeBron?

Jose: Jose never forgets!

Allison: Oh, that’s it. Four…three…two…

Jose: Fine. I go. I go. (walks to door) I’m sorry to have bothered you. I just came here to have a word with the baby. I did not mean to lose my cool.

Allison: Goodbye, Jose.

Jose: Goodbye. (glowers at baby) We will meet again.

(Baby raises middle finger)

Jose: Gasp! Demon child!

Allison: OUT! (pushes Jose into hallway and slams door) Odd, odd man.

(Soft knocking at the door)

Allison: WHO IS IT?

Jose: (muffled through door) I forget one thing!

Allison: Leave!

Jose: Please! Just uno momento!

Allison: (sighs) Alright. (opens door slightly) What is it?

Jose: (composes self) I believe you still have my chocolate milk.


Top image by deadbeat dad 289.