When it comes to sports-related video game curses, the “Madden Cover Jinx” gets all the press. And don’t get us wrong, it certainly deserves some attention. The number of players who have had poor seasons or suffered serious injuries the year after appearing on the game’s cover has been well documented, from Garrison Hearst (1999, broken ankle) to Michael Vick (2004, snapped fibula) to Vince Young (2008, increased scrutiny).

Surprise! You're f*cked!

But the Madden curse pales in comparison to what we at Food Court Lunch have termed the “Featured-Athlete-Game” Curse or, for short, the…actually, let’s just use the long form.

The “Featured-Athlete-Game” Curse, as its name implies, strikes athletes (and sometimes coaches) who endorse their own video games. And while the effects of the curse may not be as immediate as the MCJ, its consequences are often more devestating, and sometimes fatal.

We know that there are some people out there who think all this curse talk is superstitious nonsense. We express no opinion on the matter except to say this: based on the following list, if we were Cub fans, we’d be very worried about the recent release of Carlos Zambrano Presents: Halo 3.

Below are five examples of how the curse has derailed once promising or even legendary careers. Warning: reading any further subjects you to the curse.

(Note: We thought of including Bo Jackson, who lent his name to Bo Jackson’s Hit and Run back in 1991, but ultimately didn’t because his hip injury occured in 1990. And everyone knows that curses follow the rules of criminal legislation, and therefore don’t apply retroactively).

1. Ken Griffey Jr.

The Game: Ken Griffey Jr.’s Slugfest for the Nintendo 64
Year of Release: 1999
The Curse: While a member of the Seattle Mariners, Griffey was arguably (perhaps inarguably?) the best player in baseball. Over that ten-year period, he hit almost 400 home runs, made 10 all-star teams, was awarded ten gold gloves, won an MVP, guest-starred on The Simpsons, built Safeco Field with his bare hands and provided seed financing to a fledgling Starbucks. He was on his way to becoming possibly the greatest player the game had ever known. And then came Slugfest.

The same year the game came out, Griffey left Seattle to play for the Reds, whereupon he immediately contracted osteoporosis. While he has enjoyed some productive seasons since joining Cincinnatti, and is unquestionably a first ballot Hall-of-Famer, a rash of injuries have largely derailed what could have been the greatest career ever. Baseball fans were not immune from the curse, either; had Griffey stayed healthy, there is a very good chance we would have an all-time home run leader who i) was not a prickly juice fiend or, ii) peed standing up.

God damn you, Slugfest.

2. Jerry Glanville

The game: Jerry Glanville’s Pigskin Footbrawl for the Sega Genesis
Year of Release: 1990
The Curse: Things were going well for Jerry in 1990. He had just taken over as head coach of the Atlanta Falcons, and was only a season away from taking the franchise back to the playoffs for the first time in ten years. Then he released this mediocre “football” game, which confusingly played more like rugby, was set in medieval times and featured trapdoors on the field.

One year later, the bottom fell out for Glanville, who made a legendary miscalculation when he traded away a young, talented, alcoholic gunslinger named Brett Favre (pronounced “Jee-zus”) to the Green Bay Packers for a first round draft pick. The Falcons would go 6 and 10 each of the next two seasons, and Glanville would be fired. He bounced around for years as an insufferable in-studio game day host before landing a coaching gig with the I-AA Portland State Univeristy Vikings, whose most famous alumni would have been Courtney Love, had she graduated. Things have gotten so bad, even Peter King’s been scoring off him. Favre, on the other hand, would go on to become the greatest human being who ever lived.

3. Mike Tyson

Game: Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out for the NES
Year of Release: 1987
The Curse: In 1987, Tyson was a rockstar. He was the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world, the most feared man in boxing and one of the most popular sports figures on the planet. But that was before he got his own videogame. Shortly thereafter, things started to rapidly go downhill for Iron Mike. He fired his trainer/friend Kevin Rooney (on instructions from the curse), and his skills started to dip. His marriage to the non-readhead from Head of the Class fell apart. Then in 1990, in what sportswriters would dub “The Miracle on Ice”, Tyson was KO’d by James “Buster” Douglas, a 42-1 underdog, in Tokyo, Japan. Tyson quickly faded into Bolivion, and never did anything newsworthy again.

4. Ayrton Senna

The Game: Ayrton Senna’s Super Monaco GP II for the Sega Master System and Genesis
Year: 1992
The Curse: The year before this game was released, the Brazilian driver captured his third Formula One Championship, and was on top of the racing world. However, not two years later, the 34-year old Senna was killed in a crash during a race in Italy, the last F1 driver to die. During a race, that is. Few, if any, F1 drivers have achieved immortality.

5. Lee Carvallo

Hello, Carvallo!

The Game: Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge
Year: 1995
The Curse: Back in 1994, “Sweet Lee” was living the high-life. He had just qualified for his fourth U.S. Open, was awarded Golf Magazine’s “Sexiest Putting Stroke” and was even rumoured to be dating Alyssa Milano. Tragironically, his hot streak ended six months after this game was released, when he suffered serious brain trauma after being struck in the head by an errant power drive while standing in the parking lot of his home course in Florida. Would he ever play golf again? Unfortunately, the curse had selected, “no”.