March Madness, or as it’s also known, The World Baseball Classic, is upon us, and we at Food Court Lunch could not be more excited.  So excited, in fact, that we were compelled to come up with some new statistics to compare our favourite baseball players of all time (It’s official: Rance Mulliniks has the highest RBCDDFGS ever recorded.  Garth Iorg can, in my humble opinion, suck it.) 

You’ve heard of SABRmetrics (the series of statistical measures pioneered by Joe Buck), but these new statistical indicators go beyond the mere numbers to get the real stories behind the players.  Just consider this your introduction to FCLmetrics 101!

Off-base percentage (OBP):

  • The measure of a TV baseball announcer’s ability to veer precariously away from the action on the field to deliver a tangential anecdote so rooted in that announcer’s own personal experience that it cannot possibly be understood by anyone watching the game.
  • Highest OBP ever recorded: Tim McCarver and Joe Morgan (tie)

Walks Per Federal Grand Jury Appearance (WFGJA):

  • Ability of player to avoid successful criminal prosecution even in the face of overwhelming evidence and off-the-charts anti-karmic numbers
  • Highest WFGJA ever recorded: Barry Bonds

Value Over Replacement Bats (VORB):

  • The sum total of a player’s value as a living human being expressed as a measure of the number of relatively-inexpensive sporting goods items that player is deemed to be worth.
  • Highest VORB ever recorded: John Odom (may he rest in peace)

Spouse Slugging (SS):

  • The clutch ability of a player to deliver an indelible message to his spouse at exactly the right moment
  • Highest SS ever recorded: Brett Myers (honourable mention: Elijah Dukes)

PEYOTA:

  • The measure of a player’s ability to perform at world class levels while intoxicated beyond normal human levels
  • Highest PEYOTA ever recorded: Dwight Gooden (1984-1993, 2008)

Fielder’s (Side Dish) Choice (FC):

  • The inverse correlation between a player’s waist measurement and the ability to actually refer to that person as an ‘athlete’.  Numbers for baseball in this regard are typically off the charts
  • Highest FC ever recorded: Cecil and Prince Fielder (tie)

Runs (Accidentally) Created (RC):

  • Typically a high profile player who unintentionally affects the outcome of a crucial game without acting the least bit interested in the outcome of said game, thus infuriating traditionalists
  • Highest RC ever recorded: Manny Ramirez

Scrappiness Index (SI):

  • The direct relationship between a player’s clean-cut caucasian good looks and the likelihood that local fans will overlook that player’s disappointing play and applaud his ‘hustle’ (also known as “White Blindness”)
  • Highest SI ever recorded: David Eckstein (”Did you see that ground ball back to the pitcher? He’s giving it his all!”)

Strikeouts per Budding Country Music Career Destroyed (SBMCD):

  • Inherent ability of a egomaniacal player to satisfy his manly desires whilst stealing the glint out of a simple country girl’s eye, leaving her as a pale husk of a woman.
  • Highest SBMCD ever recorded: Roger Clemens

Putouts - Alyssa Milano

Double Plays - Alyssa Milano

Passed Balls - Alyssa Milano