Sun 8 Feb 2009
(Two executives at WillCo Manufacturing lean over a boardroom table)
Executive 1: I don’t see how it can be done. We need to cut operating costs, but without hurting productivity.
Executive 2: Well…we could always give back our bonuses.
(Both laugh uproariously)
Executive 1: Seriously, I’m really at a loss.
(From nowhere, a loud gong sounds. From the shadows of the corner of the room emerges a figure dressed in black)
Executives 1 and 2: GASP! BLACK MAMBA!
Black Mamba: I’ve cut 600 jobs. With no severance. They all signed. (drops a pile of contracts on the table)
Executive 1: But…but the lost productivity?
Black Mamba: Outsourced 100 of those jobs to India. Productivity goes up 20%.
Executive 2: It’s perfect!
Executive 1: Thank you Black Mam…
(Suddenly, a large cloud of smoke appears. When it disperses, Black Mamba has vanished)
Executive 1: Where did he go?
Executive 2: He disappeared!
Executive 1: Wow. So…you want to go pay a homeless woman to eat a cat?
Executive 2: Race you to the corporate Ducatis!
(A man and woman stand in their backyard. The man is pointing a shotgun at the family dog)
Woman: You can’t do this!
Man: We have no choice, Darlene! Now that I’ve been laid off from WillCo, we can’t afford to feed him.
Woman: But Roger is part of our family!
Man: Look away, honey.
Man: Aw, hell, I can’t do it. Sigh. I guess I’ll just have to cancel my gym membership instead…
(A loud gong sounds. Black Mamba emerges from the bushes)
Man: GASP! BLACK MAMBA!
Black Mamba: Roger won’t be a problem any longer.
Woman: What? Where is he?
Black Mamba: A better place.
(Black Mamba gestures to his left)
Man: Wow, what a lovely memorial! Thanks, Black Mam…
(Suddenly, a large cloud of smoke appears, and Black Mamba has vanished)
Man: Problem solved, eh honey? Honey?
(The woman’s car peels quickly out of the driveway, a suitcase strapped to the roof)
Man: (smiling) Hello, platinum membership!
(Tony Parker stands nervously in front of his bathroom mirror)
Parker: Okay, ‘eer goes. (takes deep breath, looks down at paper) Eva, I need to tell you sometheeng. I ‘ave made a beeg meestake. I was out with Teem and Manu zee other night, and I met a woman. She was very sad because she ‘ad just left ‘er husband, ‘oo had their dog killed. One theeng led to another, une bottle du Bordeaux turned into trois, and, well…remember ‘ow I forgave you after that theeng with Stephon…?
(A loud gong sounds. Black Mamba emerges from behind the shower curtain)
Parker: GASP! LE MAMBA NOIR!
Black Mamba: Don’t worry about your wife. She knows.
Parker: You told ‘er?!?
Black Mamba: Not exactly. I told a group of reporters. She saw it in the papers.
Parker: What? Well what do I do now?
Black Mamba: (shrugs)
Parker: I thought you were supposed to be a ‘elpful assassin!
Black Mamba: I never said that.
Parker: But zee title of this post ees…
(Black Mamba instantly disappears in a cloud of smoke)
Parker: FUCK YOU, BLACK MAMBA!
(Parker’s cell phone rings. The screen says ‘Eva Bear’)
(Western Conference Finals. The Los Angeles Lakers have just swept the San Antonio Spurs to advance to the NBA Finals)
Mike Breen: And there you have it, folks. On the strength of Kobe Bryant’s ruthless 64-point performance, the Lakers are headed back to the Finals for what is sure to be a thrilling rematch with the Celtics. As for the Spurs, they just didn’t have it this series, as was most evident in the uncharacteristically sloppy play of point guard Tony Parker. He just seemed…distracted, didn’t he, Mark?
Mark Jackson: Prolonged divorce proceedings will do that to a man, Mike. And with this latest defeat, you just can’t help but feel that this was the last hurrah for this once mighty Spurs team.
Basketball Fans Everywhere: THANKS, BLACK MAMBA!
Black Mamba: Just doing my job.
Movie poster by 289 Design and Custom Dog Thongs