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We here at the Food Court Lunch head office are nothing if not devoted to our readers. And anti-French. Also, morbidly obese. But mostly devoted. We begin each day with a single question - “How can we pander to our readers?” Admittedly, with only 7 of you out there, it’s really not that hard. Still, we find that there’s just no such thing as too much pandering (’uberpandering‘ as the Germans call it).

And that, dear friends, is why we diligently track our readership with state-of-the-art demographic analysis. And by “we”, I mean the good folks at Quantcast. And by “diligently”, I mean we just stumbled across it this morning. And by “state-of-the-art”, I mean completely unsubstantiated demographic figures that appear to be pulled out of thin air.

So what does Quantcast tell us about foodcourtlunch.com? See for yourself. In summary, it tells us the following “facts” about our readers:

  1. Most of you are between the ages of 18 and 34. In my mind, most of you are at the lower end of this scale, are female, hot, lonely and live within a 2-hour drive of the Greater Toronto Area (please confirm).
  2. Most of you are caucasian (which is the white term for “white”) or Hispanic. Frankly, I am disappointed at the lack of “Other” readership - lazy Inuits.
  3. 77% of you have never been laid (they dress it up by stating that 77% of you “don’t have any kids”, but we know what that really means). Foodcourtlunch has always been, and will always be, a site BY virgins, FOR virgins.
  4. Most of you make less than $30,000 per year. We should note, however, that this stat is largely attributable to our massive popularity among the hobo demographic.
  5. We effectively have a 3-way tie for “No College”, “College” and “Grad School”. As this site is directed at the “Failed Pre-School” crowd, we are a little disturbed by the latter two categories. Shouldn’t you folks be reading something a little more high-brow, like www.purple.com ?

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In any event, we welcome all of you and embrace your diversity (or lack thereof). However, we do have a bone to pick with you (or for those fancy book-learners among you, “We have an ossein to pluck”). While we pride ourselves on being ranked in the top 280,263 sites listed on the elite Quantcast rankings, we cannot help but feel as though we could do better. For example, if we take a look at the rankings, we find that we have fallen slightly behind our arch-rivals, www.houseofalmonds.com. This is bullshit, people! What do they offer that we do not?! We both offer salted nuts, only ours are free!

But that, my friends, is just the tip of the iceberg. What about those jerkstores over at www.stairservice.com sitting way up at no. 280253? You’re kidding yourself if you don’t think they are laughing themselves to sleep at night, with their smug superiority and their fancy stairs. And if I get one more taunting phone call from those pricks at www.askgramps.org, I am going to lose my shit. Here’s a question for you, Gramps - how does it taste to get e-teabagged by 4 angry bloggers at once? I’ll give you a hint - it’s more salty than savoury, much like the almond bark special at houseofalmonds.com…

In closing, this is a plea to all poor, childless, causasian / Hispanic philosophy majors out there - please tell your friend(s) to visit our site on a frequent basis so that we can finally put “Gramps” in his place (which is a shallow grave*)

 *editors note - having not actually met “Gramps”, who appears to have some sort of line to God based on the questions he answers, the foregoing comments are not endorsed by the authors of this site (notwithstanding the fact that they were written by the authors of this site…)