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We here at Food Court Lunch have strongly-held opinions on the American penal system. Actually, General Tao also has strongly-held opinons on the penile system (too complicated!) and just doesn’t understand how a vagina works at all. With respect to prisons, however, we are huge fans of knee-jerk, dehumanizing and degrading treatment of prisoners. I mean, fuck them. They are in prison. It’s not like they’re ever going to get out of prison and be really fucked up and angry at the way they…. Oh. They will? Hmmm. Didn’t really think that through, did we? Well, who cares? We’re Canadian. The worst crimes we get are moose theft and canoe-jackings. And the occasional murder or rape. Pffft.

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It’s Gourmet Spud’s laundry day. That’s right. I subtly called him gay.

Anyway, not really speaking of prisons, Maricopa County (Arizona) Sheriff Joe Arpaio is notable for making prison as unlikeable as possible for inmates. The loss of freedom and constant threat of forced anal penetration just doesn’t cut it anymore. Much like the Jeffersons, he’s moving on up. This is unlike the prison rapists, who move on down…and in. And out. And in. God, that brings me back. Anyway, Arpaio is known for such pleasantness as serving inmates expired food, housing inmates in tents, reinstituting chain gangs, and forcing inmates to wear pink underwear. According to this Fanhouse article, he also severely restricts inmates’ TV channel choices. He generally refuses to let the inmates watch sports, but made an exception in respect of the Arizona Cardinals’ NFC Championship game against the Eagles. The channels Arpaio does allow the inmates to watch are an interesting group:

The county’s 10,000 inmates, including those at Tent City, will be allowed to watch Sunday’s game … an unprecedented move, as Arpaio normally permits them to watch only The Weather Channel, C-SPAN and The Food Network. Arpaio issued the order Friday, yielding to the Valleywide fervor that has surrounded the game.

Jesus Christ. The Weather Channel and C-Span. He had better ban bedsheets from those tents because there are going to be a lot of hangings. But the Food Network? Why the Food Network? I guess he wants the inmates to learn to cook. At least that network doesn’t have anything sexually arousing on it. I mean, Arpaio banned all sexually explicit material, including “Playboy” magazine “after female officers complained that inmates openly masturbated while viewing them, or harassed the officers by comparing their anatomy to the nude photos in the publications.” Well, no such threat from the Food Network. I mean, the prisoners are stuck watching this:

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Oh, Giada. Forgot about her. Huh. She’s a bit attractive. Yikes. Well, it can’t be that bad. That’s just a picture. Her show’s probably pretty Amish. Geez. Oh. “Hot eruptions?” Oh, man.

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Oh, crap. I forgot about Nigella Lawson. A little thick in the britches, but still. Busty St. Clair probably has a few Phoenix pen pals. And by “pen pals”, I mean prisoners who write her letters on pink underwear using their own cum as ink. If has an American postmark on it, Nigella, just throw it straight in the trash. I can think of two reasons they might like you.  

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Oh, Christ. Rachel Ray as well? Well, she might be dangerous if someone put the TV on mute. Oh, very dangerous. Maybe you don’t want it on mute. You combine that video with the corn video you’ve got yourself a special lady.

I guess Joe Arpaio doesn’t actually watch the Food Network. Hell, I’m masturbating while writing this article. Never mind locking me in prison and away from my lonely, private masturbation sessions women. Is there any female host on Food Network that the prisoners wouldn’t rub one out too?

Thank you, Ina Garten. The inmates can replenish their fluids when “The Barefoot Contessa” is on. It gets hot in the desert you know. They’ll be ready to roll again when Paula Deen comes on afterwards.

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