Fri 16 Jan 2009
Did you know that Baltimore has an NFL team? It’s true. Cleveland didn’t want it’s team anymore, so it traded it to Baltimore in return for a municipal parking lot and some liquor stores.
The so-called “Baltimore Ravens” are in the midst of a surprising run in the 2009 NFL Playoffs, rallying behind an ironclad defence and the inspiring play of a rookie quarterback, Joe Flacco.
I say “inspiring” not because a quarterback has never won 2 playoff games in his rookie season, but because Joe has lived his entire life with but one eyebrow spanning across his face. It’s like God started to make him as a cyclops and then just got bored with the whole idea.
But Flacco’s “unibrow” is not unique in professional sports. No, some of the greatest athletes of all time have sported the “fur eavestrough”. Here is Food Court Lunch’s definitive list of the greatest Unibrows in the history of sports. As you might imagine, we could have easily called this list “The Top Ten Eastern Europeans in Sports”. (And yes, I know East Coast Bias already did a Unibrow post. Journalistic integrity be damned.)
10. Mehmet Okur
“Please to make pass to perimeter so Mehmet can rain three? No, Mehmet is not mad. This is way Turkish people look.”
9. J.P. Ricciardi (Builder’s Wing)
Good to see that J.P.’s ambition to take the Jays to the top of the American League East is matched only by his eyebrows’ amibition to defy nature and continue all the way around his eye orbits like some sort of hairy mobius strip.
8. Tie Domi
The fearless way he played the game spawned a legion of followers (based mainly in Woodbridge).
7. Nikolai Valuev
I guess we have the Russian health care system to thank for this one. After all, diagnoses of gigantism are frequently confused with diagnoses of “designed to be punched in the face repeatedly”.
While not strictly an athlete, this Quebec brewery is responsible for much of the cro-magnon behaviour that can be witnessed at any Montreal Canadiens home game.
5. Mick Foley
I understand he’s some kind of Olympic wrestler.
4. Chris Paul
Amazingly, the only black man ever born with a unibrow. Judging by the last two entries, it would appear that the “thumbs up” gesture is some kind of rallying cry for the unibrowed.
3. Darko Milicic
You. On the dancefloor. I am join you? Alright. You are very pretty. Come closer. You see how my arms glisten? Yes, I am NBA player. No, not starter. What? Yes, I’ve tried, but skin just gets irritated and hair returns. Why you ask so much questions?
2. Pete Sampras
To settle an argument, yes, Roger Federer is good. Maybe even one of the best of all time. But he’ll never match the hirsute lad that captured the hearts of the Flushing Meadows faithful with the Grecian wonders that are Pete Sampras’ eyebrows.
1. Every Bulgarian Olympian Ever
Note: Picture is actually from Pan-am Games. My apologies to the people of Bulgary if I have inadvertently reinforced any kind of stereotype.
Don’t fear the Unibrow. Your parents can’t help you now.