Dalhousie University is a well-known Canadian school. It’s in Halifax, Nova Scotia, which is a fantastic party town. It has a beautiful campus and a rich academic history, so it’s got a lot going for it. Unfortunately, it also appears to be run by some sort of bizarre nerd cabal. I’d stay far away if I was a prospective student because Lambda Lambda Lambda appears to be the swinging dick on campus, kids.   

revengeofthenerds.jpg

I’m not one to cast aspersions on Canadian schools without substantive evidence — that’s the job of Maclean’s magazine. Unlike them, I have proof. Dal is apparently so bereft of normalcy that they are taking the reverse-psychology approach and are actually positively promoting the school as some sort of super-nerdery. Don’t believe me? Take a look at their subway ad*: 

 dalhousie-quidditch-thumb-1.jpg

 ”Oh, hey. What? You want me to play on your team? Sure, I guess. What sport do you…..sorry? Quidditch? As a sport? Quidditch? You mean the Quidditch that is a make-believe game from a children’s book about wizards? The game that involves, well, flying on broomsticks with capes on? Oh, and you want me to play? Despite the fact I am twenty years old? Yeah, umm….I have a pick-up basketball game scheduled at that time. Also, that’s the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard. Now just leave my completed calculus homework on the desk and get the hell out of my dorm room.” 

Let’s see how the Quidditch match turned out. Oh, I see. My condolences. Really, what the fuck?  

quidditch-300.jpg

On behalf of this guy’s father: “You are not my son.” 

The promotion of this fucktardedness is not limited to subway ads - it’s on the internet as well. For example, go to the video with the unfortunate-looking South Asian gentlemen with the gameshow host smile. It’s on the downward scroll on the right side. To paraphrase Milhouse Van Houten, this is what it looks like when doves cry.

aboutfahad.jpg

 Follow this guy! I presume this photo was taken during their re-enactment of “Happy Days”. 

You can meet the entire group of Quidditch peddlers here.  This is just one man’s opinion, but I think it’s fair to say that if you are at a university and there is a video of you running around a soccer field with a broomstick between your legs, it had better be because someone tried to sodomize you with it as part of a hockey team initiation. Otherwise, there’s just no fucking excuse to be doing that. Your fate is sealed - you are only ever going to get laid by the other people running around with broomsticks. Even then, half of them are going to have Quidditch-related regrets and probably won’t want to speak to you again.  Oh, and Dal News? I think you have your headline wrong. It’s “Quidditch for the Quads.” You’re welcome.  

Also, don’t give me any grief over the Quidditch game being a fundraiser for children with AIDS. Pediatric AIDS victims deserve their dignity, and so do their fundraisers. Quite frankly, I’m somewhat wavering as to what’s worse — my child having AIDS or my child playing Quidditch. I mean, there’s a chance AIDS will be cured in my lifetime. Those kids are going to be nerds forever.  

* Photo courtesy of this guy.