This month, Esquire Magazine published it’s annual “What I’ve Learned” issue, where noteworthy individuals from a variety of fields share some of the wisdom they’ve accumulated during their time on this earth. However, not all the interviews Esquire does end up in the magazine. Some, for one reason or another, never see the light of day. We were fortunate enough to get our hands on one such interview.





  • Family. At the end of the day, it’s the only thing that matters. 
  • It’s not enough to have talent. A lot of guys have the talent. To be a champion, you need to combine that talent with an unmatched will to win.
  • Wow, these are strong. What’d you say they were? Rum and ginger beer? Sure, I’ll have another.
  • I really do believe that golf is a metaphor for life. You can never truly master it, but there is infinite joy in the pursuit.
  • The importance of tradition can never be overemphasized.
  • I’ve got a lot of golf heroes. But the person I admire most in the world is the mother of my children, Amy.
  • The ability to laugh at one’s self is important. Even more important, though, is to be a good role model.
  • Don’t mess with how God made you. When I was kid, every coach I had tried to get me to play right-handed. But I refused to change. Now, one of my proudest accomplishments is being able to say that I’m the first left-handed major winner in the modern era.
  • Waiter? Another Dark and Stormy. Make it a double. God, these are good. 
  • I’m never too busy to sign an autograph for a fan. Without them, I can’t earn a living doing what I do. But is it too much to ask to hold off when I’m out eating dinner with my family? I mean, jeez.
  • Good manners, like Lycra, never go out of style.
  • I think the Internet is a wonderful invention, but it can also be dangerous. For instance, any idiot with a computer can make up a rumour about you, and before you know it, it becomes the truth. I wish the government would step in and regulate it more, because I worry for our future. For our children’s future.
  • I’m not going to lie, some of what gets said bugs me, but there are always going to be people, particularly losers with no lives who live in their parents’ basements, who resent your success. I choose to ignore them. Life’s too short.
  • I’ve never tipped a caddy, and I never will. Why should I, when without me, Bones doesn’t have a job?
  • Barkeep! Another round! Chop chop!
  • If I were Commissioner, I’d ban fans from bringing cameras altogether. I’m sorry, but their three strikes were up a long time ago.
  • Finchem’s problem? No balls.
  • If that is my nickname on tour, no one has had the guts to (hic) say id to my face.
  • Whad aboud Mike Weir? Okay, I’m the only one who wasn’t a total fluke.
  • Lemme tell you a secret – one of my daughters ishn’t mine. I’m nod sure which one yet, but I’m building the evidence. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still love her and raise her ash my own. But would I trade her for two more majors? Let’s jes’ say I’d listen.
  • We live in pretty incredible times when an African-American can be both the best golfer in the world and the Preshident of the United Shtates. But lemme ask you this…is it right? I’m nod saying it is or it isn’t. I just wish (hic) somebody was agsing the queshtion.
  • HEY! Leave the boddle! I’m sick of waiding for your fat ass to make the rounds.
  • They’re real. And they’re spectagular.
  • She…she thinks she can threaden to wog owd on me? Phil Miggelson? So I says to her, “Amy, you may be beaudiful, but you ain’t thad beaudiful. Now ged back upstairs.” And you know whad? She did.
  • It never hurts to remind ’em who pays the bills.
  • Another (hic) way golf is like life? Too many blacks. 
  • Sometimes one is too many.
  • Speaking of one too many, I think I bedder hid the road. Hash anyone seen my keys?

The three-time major winner recently made a foray into acting with a guest appearance on HBO’s Entourage. Interviewed by Cal Fussman on the evening of October 4th, 2008.