If you are anything like the Food Court Lunch team, you’ve had a night when you’ve been pants-around-the-ankles drunk at 1:30 a.m. in Little Korea looking for something to do. You begrudgingly admit that male prostitution is unseemly, but you just want to have a good time with a large object in your hands that is brought to your mouth repeatedly. What could you possibly do to entertain yourself? We have four words (painfully pronounced) for you, dear readers:

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KARAOKE! (Trust us, it works).

As self-proclaimed karaoke afficionados (”karaokexperts”), the members of the Food Court Lunch team have been privy to any number of breaches of karaoke etiquette over the years. We have suffered in silence for far too long, forced to endure innumerable sub-par performances and flagrant disregard for the Karaoke Kode.

But no more! Adopting Emanuel Lewis’ mantra, we have decided to say “No!”, then “Go”, and “Tell” our story to the masses in the hopes of restoring integrity to this lost art. And so we present to you, our esteemed readers, the definitive Guide to Karaoke…

[Disclaimer: We will be defining karaoke as “private room” karaoke for the purposes of this article. The private rooms in question are usually located in brazenly disreputable karaoke clubs located in basements or second floors above skid bars in Korean or Japanese neighbourhoods. The rooms usually smell like sweat, beer and failure, and are often decorated with so much glow-in-the-dark neon that “Frankie Goes To Hollywood” would blush. One TV, two mics, several beer-stained songbooks — these are the tools of the trade. Private room karaoke differs from “public” karaoke, wherein participants sing in front of a group of strangers in a bar. Public karaoke is for primadonnas, drag queens, and the mentally ill. More accurately, fuck public karaoke.]

The Karaoke Kode can be broken down into 3 fundamental tenets, each of which must be mastered before true karaoke success can be achieved:

1. Song Selection
2. Performance Etiquette
3. Artist / Performer Selection

1. SONG SELECTION

As with any great art, karaoke is governed by a set of strict rules which define the essential “do’s” and “don’ts” of any great performance. Paramount among these is the art of song selection:

Don’ts

• Rap Music - This is not a racial issue (see Gill, Johnny, infra). The simple fact is that 99% of people (read: the large group of Caucasians who are friends with the FCL team) are horrendous, horrendous rappers. They have the vocal cadence and rhythm of hairlipped stutterers. It is funny for about 30 seconds, annoying up to the one-minute mark, and ear-rape thereafter. In short, don’t try it! As with any rule, however, there are exceptions, namely “Bust A Move” (Young MC). It should be noted that the sole basis for this exception is the fact that we personally know all the lyrics, and can rock that shit like no other.
• Songs No One Knows - Karaoke song selection is not the time to be adventurous. You have a finite window in which to drop your shit like it’s hot, and you do not want to waste these precious moments by exploring the Art Garfunkel catalogue. Similarly, now is simply not the time to see if David Lee Roth truly was the talent behind Van Halen, or if John Tesh is as good as the Japanese claim. Stick to what you (and everyone else) know - the classics.
• New Songs - too many times have we heard this classic rookie mistake: “Hey, what’s that new song on the radio by X - it rocks! Let’s kick that shit like it was a homeless dude!” The song may very well indeed “rock”, but that does not mean that it has been sufficiently seasoned for karaoke konsumption. Before a song can become part of the karaoke kataolgue, it must become so ingrained in popular culture that even your tone-deaf recluse of a mother can sing the chorus. Pursuant to this rule, for example, anything by Oasis will work just fine…
• Evanescence - Don’t even try it, Enrico Palazzo. We will personally grind your testes like grapes if you so much as think about it.
• Korean/Japanese/Chinese Songs - If you are Korean/Japanese/Chinese, go for it. Knock that shit out of the park. However, if you are not Korean/Japanese/Chinese and are trying the song on for a laugh, it’s going to be hilarious (in your mind) for about five seconds before it becomes painfully obvious that you are just a racist douche who should have stayed home and read ‘Guns and Ammo‘. God’s speed, asshole.

Do’s

Unfortunately, the art of song selection is not something that can be conveyed through mere words. It must be intensely studied, practiced and worshipped, like the Bushido Code. Nevertheless, in an effort to point our readers down the path of enlightenment, we have compiled a list of songs that are guaranteed to form the foundation of a kick-ass evening of rocking out:  

• Bon Jovi - Anything from “Slippery When Wet” or “New Jersey”. Any selection of post-1990 Bon Jovi will result in quizzical looks and/or (justified) microphone beatings (Jon Bon’s “Blaze of Glory” is permissible, though it straddles the 90s)
• Whitesnake - “Here I Go Again”. We are quite sure that this is the only Whitesnake song ever (or at least the only one with a video featuring Tawny Kitaen…)
• Johnny Gill - “Rub You The Right Way”. Trust us; this kills!
• Journey - “Don’t Stop Believing”. The cast of the Family Guy accurately captured the zeitgeist on this one. If only we could find a fucking clip of it on YouTube.
• Take That - “Back for Good”. What?!? It’s awesome, deal with it!
• Backstreet Boys - “I Want It That Way”. If at all possible, break yourselves into the 5-part harmonies and learn the dance moves from the video. If there are any women within 30 yards, we guarantee they will be pregnant before the song is over.
• Huey Lewis - “The Heart of Rock and Roll”. Whether it’s Huey’s doing, or that of his News, the simple fact is that this song is an unstoppable karaoke force. Kudos, gentlemen.
• Madonna - “Holiday”; Cyndi Lauper - “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”; Gwen Stefani - “Hollaback Girl”. Suppose you are at karaoke with some ladies, and for some idiot reason they do not appreciate your mastery of Hair Metal Anthems or the New Jack Swing. Throw them a bone now, so you can throw them a bone later. (God, we are so good at innuendo!) Some might call this patronizing and sexist. We would be some of those people.

We cannot stress enough that Song Selection is the most important part of the Kode. If the song is wrong, everything falls apart quicker than a bunch of lepers at a tug-of-war.  Defer to the people who know what songs to pick — the karaokegentsia, if you will. And I know you will.  

2. PERFORMANCE ETIQUETTE

Just as there are rules governing song selection, so too are there rules governing conduct throughout the sacred karaoke ceremony:

1. Share the Microphone - always share the mic. There is no limit to the number of singers who can rock out to a single mic, so spread the love.
2. Don’t Share the Microphone - Inconsistent with etiquette pointer no. 1, you ask? Not at all. The sharing rule is premised on the theory that you have complied with tenet no. 3 of the Karaoke Kode (below), and are therefore surrounded by adroit karaoke performers who feel the music in their soul. If you are surrounded by wet blankets and/or the dreaded karaoke “observer” (defined herein), don’t waste your time sharing. As a rule of thumb, if someone is given the microphone and refuses to sing with sufficient fervour, you should retract the microphone and belt out a solo.
3. Don’t Dance - alright people, this is not Dance, Dance Revolution. You are here to perform with your voice, not your ample child-bearing hips. If people wanted to see you gyrate in front of the screen, they would have borrowed that homemade porn you made with your ex-girlfriend. The screen is there to provide hours of low-budget entertainment in the form of softcore pornographic remakes of popularized music videos; it is not to be blocked by your fat ass. Again, however, there are exceptions to every rule. If you happen to be a really hot chick and want to dance like a Vegas stripper, go to town! Feel free to take it all off if you feel that will capture the mood more effectively…
4. Don’t Try Out New Comedy Material - the mere fact that you have a mic in your hand does not mean that it’s open mic night at the Laugh Factory. As much as you think people would love to hear your running satirical commentary, they don’t - trust us. We know the videos are cheesey, we know those aren’t the right lyrics, and we know the beer tastes a lot like warmed-over urine. We do not need you to continually point this out to us. And for God’s sake, do NOT use this as a forum to demonstrate your extensive musical knowledge by sharing morsels of music trivia - no one cares!!  [Authors’ note: Butter Chicken is often guilty of breaching this rule, but only in the context of songs that have proverbially “shit the bed” (there is a proverb — check the Bible). In the event that Rule No. 1 (Song Selection, if you have forgotten) is not strictly adhered to, all other Rules fall away until order is restored and someone puts on a respectable track. In the interim, it is permissible to mercilessly hurl verbal abuse at the agent of the shitty track that filled the room with awkward silence in the hopes of shaming him/her never to go near the songbook again. Either that or pretend that you are Shaggy and sing “Boombastic” over whatever song is playing — one or the other.]

3. ARTIST / PERFORMER SELECTION 

The third and final tenet of the Karaoke Kode concerns the make-up of your karaoke troop. Simply put, your outing is only as good as those in attendance. As such, you must strive to surround yourself with like-minded karaokers who appreciate the art. In order to achieve this goal, here are some people to avoid:

1. The “real singer” - karaoke is for people who (a) are drunk (formally known as the “Amy Winehouse Corollary”) and (b) cannot really sing (the “William Hung Corollary”). There is nothing worse than being shown up by someone who decides to take the mic and belt out an operatic solo with perfect pitch. If someone tries to pull a stunt like this, or gives someone else criticism for their horrendously off-key performance, the Karaoke Kode expressly provides that you are entitled to either (a) roger them with the microphone or (b) cock-punch them (the Kode is not clear as to which is the preferred method of discipline, so exercise your discretion. We are fond of the rogering cock punch, but we have been doing this for years. Don’t try it yourself without practice, or else you’ll probably just end up masturbating them to climax).
2. The “observer” - how many times have you been to karaoke and looked in the corner to see one of your buddies just sitting there, taking it all in with his judging eyes… That’s just not cool. If you make the trip, you are there on a mission from God to rock out. You are not there to make others feel uncomfortable or self-conscious. We know we cannot sing - we don’t need you reminding us of this fact, Mr. Looky McJudgey. Grab a mic, or grab your coat.
3. The “bad-song selector” - every now and again this creature rears his ugly head, and when he does it’s guaranteed to be an evening from hell. This is the guy who grabs the coveted songbook and starts dropping in selections like “My Humps” or anything by Justin Timberlake (except perhaps “Cry Me A River”, which sneaks into the “Oddly Entertaining” category). As with the “real singer”, it is entirely permissible to disable an individual such as this with a series of precision cock-punches (or rabbit punches to the uterus — we are nothing if not balanced). However, it is often fitting to viciously beat the “bad-song selector” with the actual songbook while screaming “see any other good choices in there?” It’s poetic that way.

Well, my friends, there you have it - the definitive Guide to Karaoke. Go forth and rock out. 

A General Tao/Butter Chicken Joint…