Do you remember what it was like to be a kid in the days leading up to Christmas*?

If you were like me, you probably were pacing anxiously around your house, hoping and praying that your parents had the good sense to actually get you the presents you wanted.  Come on, I need that BB gun! I’ve got some shooting to do!

But what happened when you opened your presents on Christmas morning?  You didn’t get that BB gun, did you? No, your parents told you it was too expensive and too dangerous, and bought you a turtleneck and a “La Dictee Magique“, the diabolic french version of the equally diabolic “Speak & Spell”.  Hooray! I better get on the phone and invite all my friends over so we can learn what the french words for ‘patricide’ and ‘matricide’ are!

It’s only now, as a parent, that I can appreciate what my parents were doing.  Disappointment is a fundamental lesson of childhood, and is a crucial part of a child’s understanding of the use of sarcasm.  Thanks, mom and dad! Do I like it? According to La Dictee Magique, the word is ‘Non’.

 For most people, disappointment with Christmas gifts extends into adulthood.  Turtlenecks become bathrobes, “La Dictee Magique” machines become Microsoft Zunes, and Hot Wheels become 1994 Chrysler Minivans with wood panelling.  But have you ever wondered what Christmas is like for a professional athlete?  When money is no object, what kind of gifts would you ask for (and invariably get) for Christmas?  Well, wonder no longer, Copernicus!

For the first time ever, Food Court Lunch has managed to obtain copies of the lists of Christmas gifts that some of the most popular professional athletes are asking for this year!  I think you’ll find some surprising selections among the lists! But don’t worry about who’s been naughty and who’s been nice, Santa! Money trumps all in professional sports!

Christmas Gift Lists of the Rich and Famous

Sean Avery:

  • Media training
  • The hardcore beatdown he so obviously is asking for and subconscious knows he deserves
  • Alyssa Milano

Plaxico Burress:

  • Framed prints of New York Post headlines decrying his idiocy
  •  A “Sorry I caused you to become implicated in an indictable offence” Card for Antonio Pierce
  • A call from Jerry Jones
  • Some actual pants

Rinku and Dinesh Patel:

  • Three square meals 
  • Some long distance calling cards
  • Someone to teach them how to stop the ball from bouncing 6 feet in front of home plate

Ricky Williams:

  • Some Acapulco Gold
  • Maui Wowee
  • Winnipeg Red (ed.: All I’m trying to say here is that he likes pot)

Stephon Marbury:

  • An end to this disgusting charade
  • An endorsement from somebody other than Cellino & Barnes
  • Contact info for Isiah Thomas’ pharmacist

A.J. Burnett:

  • An ounce of mental toughness
  • A list of excuses that he can use when he inevitably fails to live up to the $100 million contract that some poor sap is going to offer him
  • A contract in a city, like Toronto, where baseball rarely makes the front page of the sports section, so that he can continue to make tens of millions of dollars per year as a .500, injury-prone pitcher and nobody will say a fucking word

Sam Mitchell:

  • A buyer for his Toronto condo
  • A book of actual basketball set plays
  • A contract hit out on Andrea Bargnani and Joey Graham

 Roger Clemens:

  • A new lawyer
  • A new needle tote
  • Taylor Swift

Deuce McAllister:

  • An improved Wizzinator
  • A name that does neither sounds like ‘boo’ when yelled across a stadium nor is a synonym for turd
  • An end to Drew Brees’ awkward leering in the locker room

Charlie Weis:

  • Some jowl ointment
  • A plan
  • Rudy

Michael Phelps:

  • A Rosetta Stone “English” package
  • A Photoshop upgrade
  • A studio head to take another look at his “competition swimmer as crimefighter” script rewrite

Any more, readers? By the way, we are nominated this year in the category of “Best Sports Blog” at the CBAs (Canadian Blog Awards) . Vote now, vote from different computers. Do it. Do it.

*Food Court Lunch is a fully inclusive blog.  That being the case, feel free to substitute the word for your religion’s consumerism-based, December holiday wherever you find the word ‘Christmas’ in this post.