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One of the nice things about hitting your thirties is that you actually start to feel like you’re a little bit better at managing life. You tend to enjoy the little things a lot more than you used to. Stuff that used to drive you insane doesn’t bother you nearly as much. You realize that the benefits of actually considering people outside of yourself tend to outweigh the primal, but fleeting, pleasures of complete self-absorption. Stuff like that.

But for all that wisdom you’ve gained, there are an equal number of things you have never, and will never, learn. Mistakes you are bound to repeat dozens, hundreds, maybe thousands of times throughout your life.

Is it because you are stupid? Yes. But it’s also because you are a guy. You’re hardwired to think that the next time will be different, that you can pull it off, that it’s worth the risk. But it won’t be, you can’t, and it’s not.

I’m sure there are things we can add to our list below. But we sure as heck won’t be removing any:

  • Eating Burger King 
  • Carrying too many grocery bags at the same time
  • Buying full rap albums rather than the one good single
  • Trying to charm the waitress
  • Cutting the grass in flip-flops
  • Thinking that starting to work out a week before a beach vacation makes a difference
  • Jumping into a game of pick-up hockey at an intensity level that assumes you are still eighteen-years-old
  • Lifting without bending your knees (note: guess which one of us has a chronic back problem!)
  • Waiting til the next gas station
  • Thinking it’s possible to go out for just one drink
  • Refusing to try clothes on before buying them
  • Buying American
  • Accidentally replying to all
  • Trying to twist off the tops of non-twist offs
  • Staring at other women while with your wife/girlfriend
  • Drinking and driving
  • Dressing in the dark
  • Pulling out
  • Buying lottery tickets
  • Going to see the new Robert DeNiro movie on the faint hope that he’s “still got it”
  • Peeing on a downslope
  • Feeding your dog Burger King
  • Assuming the propane tank is full
  • Watching porn without locking the apartment door
  • Giving a blunt opinion on something before determining whether the person you are talking to has a vested interest or a strongly held opinion on the subject
  • Walking and drinking coffee at the same time
  • Mixing more than two kinds of alcohol in one night of drinking
  • Buying the new Pearl Jam album on the faint hope that they’ve “still got it”
  • Paying $7.50 for a haircut
  • Picking a Meat Loaf song at karaoke (or any other song that’s over four minutes long)
  • Using your debit card at a strip club
  • Thinking you still have the option of wondering what you want to do “when you grow up”
  • Assuming that you’re finished wiping
  • Supporting the Toronto Maple Leafs