Well, we knew this day would come… First, the senseless East Coast / West Coast feud, resulting in an untold body count. Then, the Antione “Skee-Lo” Roundtree “lifts” scandal, devastating the vertically challenged community. And now, the icon of Swedish rap, Dave “Monopoly” Jassy, has tragically lived up to the Nordic hip hop stereotype… It’s the same old story: Swede becomes an international rap superstar (of course), finds himself surrounded by riches beyond his wildest dreams, and eventually beats a jazz musician to death as punishment for slapping his new SUV at a crosswalk. We’ve heard the same story a thousand times before…

But who is this “Dave Monopoly” character, and why does he hate jazz? If history has taught us anything, it’s that Nordic rappers are notoriously quick to anger (also, they hate Slavic peoples). Dave is apparently no exception. Just listen to his lyrics:

Alright, we confess that wasn’t Dave. Apparently Dave wasn’t famous enough to make it onto YouTube (which is admittedly a tough forum to crack), so we had to improvise. Horribly. However, after significant efforts by our research department, we were able to get ahold of this underground video of Dave’s last live performance:

Ok, who are we kidding – we have no idea who Dave Monopoly is, or how he could afford to rent an SUV. As long as MC Solaar stays out of jail, the Food Court Lunch team is  happy.

And speaking of pointless non sequiturs, DON’T FORGET TO VOTE FOR US FOR THE CBAs!!