It was never my intention to blow the lid off the best kept secret in the sports and entertainment columnist industry. I’m just a guy who likes to waste time at work reading online magazines. But for whatever reason, God chose me to be his vessel of truth and made my eyes uncover what, until today, had been staring me in the face but had not yet been revealed: for over a decade, Peter King has been moonlighting as Jackie Harvey.

I feel like Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind.


For those unfamiliar with these men, or should I say, man, Peter King is America’s most famous football columnist/coffee lover, and author of the wildly popular “Monday Morning Quarterback: Tuesday Edition” column. He is also Jackie Harvey. Jackie Harvey is The Onion’s resident faux-entertainment columnist, and author of the wildly popular “The Outside Scoop” column. Jackie Harvey is also Peter King.

What’s that? You want proof, you say? Well, short of an all-out confession which, once this thing makes the rounds, should be imminent, feast your eyes on what’s below, and prepare to have your mind blown. I’ve posted, side by each, excerpts under a variety of headings: one is from King’s column, and one is from Harvey’s column. I dare you to spot the difference (answers at bottom).

But be forewarned: read any further, and you are taking the red pill, Neo. You can’t unlearn what you’ll learn. Here goes:

[Ed. note: For years, “King Harvey” has been trying to throw us off the scent in his “The Outside Scoop” column by deliberately misspelling names and adding excess punctuation. For the purposes of this daring revelation, I have corrected the names and removed the exclamation points. Other than those minor edits, these are straight cut-n’-pastes]:

HBO Programming

“It’s official: That orange marmalade cat on the last episode of The Sopranos was the star of the show. Brilliant call to include the feline.”

“What’s the deal with Deadwood? I’ve heard a few things about it, mostly that it’s full of words I wouldn’t want my mother to hear. I thought the FTC told everyone to clean up their acts after that whole costume malfunction earlier this year. I guess the people at HBO didn’t get the memo.”

SuperBowl Commercials

“Saw one commercial — the talking lions on the Taco Bell spot — and thought it was brilliant.”

“Where did all the good commercials go? It seems like ages since a lizard asked me “Whazzuuup?” and tried to sell me some beer. Come on, Madison Avenue. Put your heads together and whip up 30 seconds of mirth. We all could use a good sponsored chuckle.”

Succinct Celebrity Disses

“Toughen up, Paris Hilton.”

“Jacko? ‘Nuff said.”

Stuff they haven’t seen yet

“I bet 10 people asked me in the last week: “You see 24?” No. One show’s my limit. House. I don’t know how, with the bizarre fall-early winter schedule I have to keep, I could get hooked into another show, particularly a show that you have to see every week or else you’re a lost sheep. It must be a great show, though. Everybody’s talking about it.”

“I still haven’t seen Good Will Hunting, but just as soon as I do, I’ll let you know what I think.”

Politics

“Have a good next phase of your life, Tony Blair. You sure were good in The Queen.”

“If I had my way, those politicians would have to take a lie-detector test just to get on the ballot.”

Film, Violence In

“How sad at the Oscars. The Departed kicked tail. I say that’s bad because … well, have you seen it? Did the gore bother you? The over-the-top, pandering, blood-gurgling murderous spree was too much for me. We must be inured to it by now, because the Academy voted Oscars not only for the movie but also for Martin Scorsese for making the flick. What’s next, I wonder. A beheading in Times Square? Gouging someone’s eyes out? So sad we seem to be in search of the next great gruesome thing in movies.”

“If you’re like me, you’re more than a little dismayed by the cinematic bloodbath at your local multiplex right now. There are chopped heads in Kill Bill, and there’s chopped everything in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Yuck! Far be it from me to tell Hollywood what to do, but I think they should keep their playing cards closer to their chests and not get so explicit.”

Awesomeness, Billy Joel’s

[At the Superbowl]: “Great combo of anthem (Billy Joel) and flyover. The four fighter jets appeared to be about 20 yards over the top of the stadium. Amazing. Prince, Schmince.”

“Congratulations to piano man Billy Joel for his induction into the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame. Billy, with such classic records as The Nylon Curtain, Storm Front and River Of Dreams under your belt, when it comes to rocking and rolling, you’re far from an ‘innocent man.’”

Entertainment Television

“I wonder if Access Hollywood will have a full-time Tom Brady/Gisele Bundchen beat reporter.”

“I can’t even sit through more than five minutes of it. I’m talking about Entertainment Tonight. It’s the music. It’s way too loud. Turn it down, guys, and maybe, maybe I’ll come back.”

Subtle Racism

“Thanks to [a friend] for one heck of a restaurant recommendation — Anthony’s Runway 84 in Fort Lauderdale, a place so Italian that John Gotti ate there.”

“I can’t decide who’s the better Motown artist, Otis Redding or Marvin Gay.”

Horrible Puns

“Not sure if this man ran on the Espresso Ticket, but Bob Goodlatte ran unopposed and won a House seat in the 6th District of Virginia Tuesday night. I’d have thought Fred Finefrappucino would have made a swell opponent.”

“I don’t want to sound like a prude, but I think we have to seriously check our moral compass when one of our nation’s most beloved heroes is a goof-off named Butt-head. “Butt-head”? More like Dumb-head if you ask me.”

Music, Purchasing iPods

“Finally got an iPod. Yes, I was the last man in America to do so. And I must say two things: Mick Jagger is a better singer, remixed, than I ever thought. And also, what a country.”

“I think it’s time to treat myself to an iPod. Everywhere I turn, I see those little white headphones, and I confess that I’m envious. You can store the entire Depeche Mode collection and still have plenty of room for other songs.”

WTF?

“Next time you see me, ask me about my extraordinarily fun time in a 10-and-under girls softball game in Saddle Brook, N.J., on Friday night. Space limitations, and legal reasons, prevent me from spilling here. But human beings under pressure can sure react in some strange ways.”

“Are you as tired as I am of thongs, especially the ones you can see in the back because the girls wear those lowrider jeans and half-shirts? My grandmother used to say that you shouldn’t sell the chicken when there’s still eggs left in it. Have some modesty, ladies.”

Film, Inspirational

“Speaking of chick flicks I liked quite a bit, I recommend Waitress, a neat little fairy tale about a likeable waitress, Keri Russell. Excellent actress, by the way. Lots of good life lessons in there.”

“Is it me, or is there a distinct lack of inspirational TV movies these days?”

Music, Downloading

“Annie Lennox is underrated. Great voice. Just put two of her albums on the ‘Pod.”

“Speaking of music, I’ve been hearing a lot about this Napster thing, where you download songs off the Internet without paying a penny. Well, I think that’s just wrong.”

Holiday Shout-out and/or Possible Pick-up Line

“Belated Happy Mother’s Day, ladies.”

“Oh, and happy Yom Kippur to all of our Jewish readers. (Sorry so late.)”

Entertainment’s Golden Age

“There’s not much as funny, and I mean ever on TV, as the Mr. Ed episode where Leo Durocher teaches Ed how to hit a baseball — and then Ed slides into home.”

“Speaking of the good old days, what ever happened to those old radio shows you used to find on tape at every dime store? I’d love to get some of those Fibber McGee & Molly shows. The old closet routine, what a scream.”

Andy Rooney-isms

“Hotels of America, I ask you this: Why do you waste soap like that? Why not simply put another wrapped bar near the sink, and if the customer, for some strange reason, wants to throw away the lightly used soap, he or she can do so and open a new bar. But why assume we always want a new bar of soap?”

“Hey, can we please keep the chatter down in theaters, folks? It seems like everyone has to throw in their two cents while they’re watching movies. Unless you’re Jeffrey Lyons, I don’t want to hear it.”

Film, Miscellaneous

“I need someone to tell me why a great actress like Hilary Swank makes a Texas Chainsaw Massacre-like movie like The Reaping. Why lower yourself, Hilary?”

“This year, there weren’t any movies about animals. I guess 2004 will be remembered as the year that people mattered most.”

Awesomeness, Helen Mirren’s

“Good for Helen Mirren winning Best Actress. I can’t imagine a better acting job than what she did playing the Queen in The Queen.”

“Finally, The Queen gets its due! Hellen Mirren just nailed the Queen mum! At least the Academy has its pulse on what Americans want to see. Kudos to you, Academy”.

Music, Unawareness Of Popular

“IPod Download of the Week (which could become a regular feature here if I keep finding ways to load this contraption): Went into download mode the other night. What a great invention, buying any song in history for 99 cents and playing it 99 times. You know what I can’t get enough of? Johnny Cash. Listen to Folsom Prison Blues and you’ll know why every convict in America loved the man.”

“A band called “Gnarls Barkley?” Now I’ve heard everything.”

Flavour Enhancement

“The one Italian thing I am now addicted to: olive oil.”

“It’s been a good year for tomatoes in [my] garden. I’ve been using a secret fertilizer, and it’s been working like a charm. Every plant has about eight tomatoes on it, and they’re almost ready to be harvested. You know what that means? Salsa.”

Andy Rooney-isms, Take II

“Chicago cabbies. Death drivers. With them, it’s unacceptable to go even one mph less than double the speed limit.”

“You know, I am just sick to death of voicemail. “Press one for X, press two for Y, press three for Z.” How about I just press the disconnect button until you get me a real person to talk to.”

American Priorities

“We ought to be ashamed in this country when events like hot-dog eating contests gain popularity — the Coney Island fiasco was actually covered on New York sports-talk radio on my vacation — instead of inviting revulsion. Stomach-gorging is not a sport, and it is abominable to try to make it one in a country where too many people go to bed hungry every night. I mean, what is America coming to?”

“Hey, what ever happened to the war on drugs? Ever since the war on terror, I haven’t heard anything about it. Just because we have other problems, we shouldn’t stop worrying about the scourge of the streets.”

Rudeness

“Memo to Snoreman in seat 38G on [my flight] the other day: Dude, you’ve got a problem. People in four languages were calling you every name in the book and jostling you, trying to get you to wake up because you sounded like a sledgehammer. Easier to climb Kilimanjaro, though.”

“I hate getting parked in by some insensitive jerk. It happened the other day, and I almost left a note under his windshield, but I decided I didn’t want to stoop to his level. I’m sure he’ll get what’s coming to him eventually.”

Child Protection

[After seeing The Departed]: “The only thing worse than the stomachache I had leaving the theater was the revulsion I felt seeing eight or 10 children walk out after the movie with their parents or guardians. One 2- or 3-year-old was being carried in a woman’s arms. With parents like those, God have mercy on those children and how they will grow up viewing the world.”

“To all those child abductors and killers out there, I’ve got just one thing to say: Enough!”

Answers: The first ones are all King, the second all Harvey. But as we now know, it doesn’t make a god damn lick of difference.

Peter King: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/writers/peter_king/archive/index.html

Jackie Harvey: http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/view/harvey