It’s wintertime in Canada, folks, and it fucking sucks. Awful, freezing cold? Check. Missing an entire day’s worth of daylight because you are at work? Check. Random suicidal feelings caused by Seasonal Affective Disorder? Check. Welcome to the winter wonderland. And do you know what the topper is? What really put me over the edge over the last few years? The fact that women wear Uggs during the winter. Christ, just toss me in a coffin and wake me up in April.

Uggs are the epitome of cock-shrivelling footwear. These things look like safety boots for Eskimo retards. Completely shapeless, bulging around the ankles, flattened moonboot soles — they could not create something more horrendous. In their own fucked-up way, they are absolutely perfect. You combine those with a pair of baggy grey sweatpants and the seduction is complete. I’m sure all of the Inuit Napoleon Dynamite fans will be all over you. How hasn’t this trend ended yet? These things are the “Frankie Says Relax” of footwear. I guess looking like an Ewok never goes out of style.

My favourite little twist to Uggs is when they are worn out in the snow on a winter day. The Uggs are quickly stained by the slush and salt and they end up looking like the feet of a homeless person who has some sort of circulatory disorder. Bingo, ladies — way to sex it up. I have been told that they are warm and comfortable, and that’s why women wear them. Well, I hope they are as warm and comfortable as your empty fucking bed, because no one wants to be with you when you wear them.

This weekend I observed that there are now new short Uggs. I suppose that’s an improvement, but an improvement along the line of dating someone that’s pigeon-toed instead of clubfooted — there is still something inherently fucked up. Thanks for fucking up my winter, ladies. If you want me, I’ll be sitting under my light box plotting my own death.