Despite all the recent hooplah and foofarall and hullabaloo about the Bills moving to Toronto, we’re starting to feel less and less confident that we here in the Canadas are ever going to get an NFL team. I mean, if we are having this much trouble stealing one from Buffalo, a town that once elected A HOUSECAT TO CITY COUNCIL(!),* then we probably don’t deserve one in the first place.

So who are we supposed to cheer for once the Bills move to L.A.? Why, the future franchise of our former rulers, of course! Yes, while an NFL team in London is still a ways from becoming a reality, the fact is they’ll probably get one before Toronto does. And since we still have the Queen on our money, it’s only natural that we adopt them as our de facto home team.

There’s only one problem – as you may have noticed, they talk a funny brand of English in them there parts. There are all sorts of tricks to the local dialect that non-locals can easily get tripped up on. So if we are going to fit in with all the other Little Lord Fauntleroys that we’ll be sitting with at Wembley, we’d best learn how they speak. 

Fortunately, one of our correspondents used to live in England, and another was embarrassingly ripped off whilst trying to buy weed in Piccadilly Circus. Therefore, we felt eminently qualified to compile the following translation guide for common British words and phrases. We hope it will serve you well as you cheer on the London (Bridges? Big Bens? Beefeaters?) to victory.

* Probably.

Apartment = Flat

Elevator = Lift

Washroom = Loo

Subway  = The Tube

Suitcase = Garment Lorry

Shoes = Foot Puddins

Gloves = Hand Puddins

Watch = Wrist Ticker

Scarf = Throat Snake

Tie = Chest Snake

Belt = Trouser Snake

Condom = Cock Wallet  

Car = Motorcar 

Taxicab = Turkish Livery

Airplane = Cloud Barge

Grocery Store = After Farm

Bread = Yeast Biscuit

Flour = Powder Grass

Orange Juice = Scurvy Block 

Eggs = Shell Hens 

Carrot = Potato

Broccoli = Potato

Spinach = Potato

PotatoJesus Fruit

French FriesChips a.k.a. Christ Bits

Plum = Hydrated prune

Water = Lake Milk 

Bar = Pub

Night Club = Foppish Pub

After Bar = Emergency Room (credit: Craig Finn)

Wingman = Chloroform and Rag

JailRascal Bin

Policeman = Bobby

Doctor = Pokey Looky

Dentist = (no translation available)

Soccer = Football

Football = Pushy Punty 

Tailgate Party = Car Park Social 

Scalper = Tout

Gay Scalper = Rainbow Tout

Rat (animal) = Cheese Weasel 

RATT (band) = Cheese Weasell

Jay-Z = Dizzee Rascal

L’il Wayne = Dizzee Rascal

Kanye West = Dizzee Rascal

Eminem = Mike Skinner

Bush X = Bush

Beverly Hills, 90210 = Coronation Street

I’m hungry = I’m peckish

I’m horny = I’m feckish

I forgot my wallet. Do you mind getting this one? = I’m Welsh

You fuckin’ suck, ref! = The vaunted Lord Denning you are not, kind sir! Now good day to you!

Excuse me, where is the washroom? = Shine your boots, guv’nor?

Please, take me to a doctor. I’ve been very badly beaten = Shine your boots, guv’nor? (Note: very handy phrase)

That’s a lovely tan you have = That’s an alarming shade of pink you’ve turned 

Look at that beautiful woman = Look at that woman that would be considered moderately attractive in most other countries

Hey! That British guy stole my girlfriend! = Um…you won’t be needing this one. Unless, of course, you’re from Scotland.