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Current New York Knicks’ suit-wearer and all-around whack job Stephon Marbury recently expressed an interest in joining the San Antonio Spurs. We’re pretty sure we know how that would work out.

***

(Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Matt Bonner and Stephon Marbury all sit around a poker table

Duncan: Alright, everybody. Before we get started, I’d like to take this opportunity to welcome our newest teammate, Stephon, to what we hope will be his first of many appearances at our “infamous” Friday night poker games. But I should warn you beforehand, Stephon - these games can get pret-ty wild.

Parker: Yes, are you sure you can ‘andle eet?

Marbury: I guess we’ll see.

Bonner: (sly smile) Hey Stephon – you look thirsty. Why don’t you have a sip of your iced tea?

(Duncan, Parker and Bonner all start giggling)

Marbury: Why? What’s wrong with it?

Bonner: Oh, nothing…that is, if you like Tabasco sauce in it!

(Duncan, Parker and Bonner burst out laughing)

Marbury: Wow. You guys are crazy.

Parker: Oh, you don’t know zee ‘alf of eet!

Duncan: Alright, alright, enough funny stuff. Here we go. (deals cards) Matt, bet’s to you.

Bonner: Umm…fifty cents!

Parker: Zut alors!

Duncan: Slow down, Matt! It’s only the first hand!

Bonner: If you can’t take the heat, Timmy, then stay out of Matt’s kitchen!

Parker: Too reech for my blood. Fold.

Duncan: Fold.

Marbury: Hmm. Let’s see. I will raise you…$400,000.

Bonner: (spits out iced tea)

Duncan: Uh, Stephon? We usually play with a $1 max bet.

Marbury: Well, now there’s a new max bet. What’s the point of making all this money if you ain’t gonna play with it? Besides, I know Raggedy Andy here doesn’t spend no money on clothes, wearing that Cosby sweater.

Bonner: Hey! My grandma knitted this!

Marbury: I don’t doubt it. C’mon, you in?

Bonner: Well…

Marbury: Well what?

Bonner: (slams fist on table) What the heck! In!

Duncan: Matt! That’s a lot of money!

Bonner: I know, but…(winks at Duncan)…I’m pretty sure he’s bluffing.

Marbury: (lays down cards) Full house.

Bonner: Damnit!

Marbury: (gathering pot) Tough break, brah.

Duncan: Uh, guys, maybe we should keep the bets to a…

Marbury: Oh shit!

Duncan: What is it?

Marbury: I just remembered – I left something in my backseat! I’ll be right back… (runs out front door)

Duncan: Matt…are you okay? You look pale…er.

Bonner: …

***

(Fifteen minutes later. Marbury re-enters room)

Marbury: Sorry about that, fellas. Whose deal is it?

Bonner: Mine.

Duncan: And Stephon, we discussed it, and we think we should stick to the $1 max bets.

Marbury: Fine, whatever.

Bonner: (deals)

Duncan: (to Marbury) So what’d you forget?

Marbury: What’s that?

Duncan: In your backseat. What’d you forget?

Marbury: Oh, that. That Eva Longoria lady.

Parker: Pardon moi?

Marbury: You know – that chick from Desperate Housewives? I met her at the convenience store on the way over, one thing led to another, and we went back to my car. You know how it goes. But then I realized, “shit! I ain’t got no protection on me!” So I ran up here to grab some, but when I came in and saw you guys playing that weird Space Invaders shit…

Bonner: Halo!

Marbury: ….yeah, when I saw you guys wearing them funny little headsets, it kind of freaked me out, and I totally forgot what I came up here for. So I just had to run down and take care of business, if you feel me.

Parker: …

Duncan: Stephon…

Marbury: Yeah?

Duncan: Eva is Tony’s wife!

Marbury: Say what?

Duncan: They’re married!

Marbury: You don’t say. Wild, man.

Parker: Bullsheet! I don’t beleeve heem!

Marbury: Look, man, I ain’t in the business of needing to lie about that shit, but if you need proof I got the pics right here on my phone.

Parker: Let me see zose! (looks at phone, moans softly) Oh…oh mon amour! (gets up) Je m’excuse. (runs into bathroom and slams door)

Bonner: Stephon! That was not cool!

Marbury: Take it easy, man, I didn’t know. And besides, we teammates now, and that means we s’posed to share shit. You don’t see me complaining about having to share my tabs with y’all.

Duncan: What tabs?

Marbury: What’chu mean ‘what tabs’? Acid, man. You telling me you don’t feel that shit yet?

Duncan: (blanches) Stephon, what are you talking about?

Marbury: I put acid in the iced tea, fool! What, you think we wuz just going to sit around here and play poker for nickels all night? It’s Friday, man! We got to fuck…shit…up!

Bonner: Timmy? I…I feel funny.

Duncan: Quick! Matt! Make yourself throw up!

Marbury: Aw, it’s too late for that now. You best just lay back and enjoy the trip. Y’all in good hands, babies. Just let Captain Starbury take you on a little tour of the galaxy.

(Scream comes from the bathroom. Parker comes running back out, naked from the waist down)

Duncan: Jeez Louise, Tony! What’s wrong? 

Parker: (panicked) It flew away!

Duncan: What are you talking about?

Parker: My pee-niz! It flew out zee bathroom weendow! It flew out zee weendow, and zen zee toilet peed on me!

Marbury: Yeah, the shit I got will fuck with you like that.

Duncan: Alright! Everybody just calm down! We’ll get through this! Um…uh…Matt! Open the window! I’ll boil some tea!

Bonner: (staring in amazement at his own sweater) So many patterns…so many colours…

Parker: Zere it is! (points to window) It just flew past and winked at me! (runs and crashes through window) YEEAAAGGGHHH!

Duncan: TONY! Matt, go see if he’s okay!

Bonner: (lies down on floor, begins rubbing sweater on face)

Duncan: Stephon! What have you done!?!

Marbury: (calmly rolling blunt) So who we playing tomorrow, man? Phoenix?

***

(Next February. Spurs’ broadcasters Bill Land and Sean Elliott report from courtside)

Land: …and once again, your final score is Minnesota 114, San Antonio 58. It’s the Spurs’ record-obliterating 32nd straight loss, meaning they still have not won a game since dealing for Stephon Marbury back in November. Any thoughts on this one, Sean?

Elliott: Not much you really can say at this point, Bill.

Land: It’s certainly a collapse of historic proportions. And the off-the-court distractions can’t be helping, what with the hepatitis outbreak in the locker room, Matt Bonner’s suspension and looming criminal prosecution for narcotics possession, and the baffling retirement and return to France of point guard Tony Parker. Just a nightmarish fall from grace for this once-proud dynasty. Say, here comes Spurs’ head coach Gregg Popovich, let’s see if we can’t get a word. Pop, got a minute?

Popovich: (shell-shocked) I have stared into the eyes of the devil himself, and it was I who blinked first. Now he owns my soul, and I know a fear far greater than death. A fear far greater than death. (wanders away)

Land: Well said, coach. And that’s it from San Antonio. Tune in Friday when the Spurs welcome the visiting Los Angeles Lakers. That one could break some records, folks, you won’t want to miss it.