Mon 10 Nov 2008
(Bryan Colangelo stands beside a completely blindfolded Jose Calderon)
Colangelo: (shouting to be heard) ALRIGHT, JOSE! IT’S TIME!
Calderon: (also shouting) OH, YENERAL MANA-YER! I WISH TO GO BACK HOME!
Colangelo: THERE IS NO TURNING BACK NOW, JOSE! THIS IS THE FINAL STOP ON YOUR JOURNEY! YOU MUST FACE…YOUR ULTIMATE FEAR!
Calderon: (nervous) BUT…BUT I AM NO READY!
Colangelo: YOU ARE READY, JOSE! YOU ARE READY BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO BE! NOW! TAKE OFF YOUR BLINDFOLD!
(Calderon removes his blindfold. He immediately gasps and jumps back in terror, clinging on to Colangelo’s arm)
Calderon: DIOS MIO! I CAN NO DO THIS!
Colangelo: YES, YOU CAN!
Calderon: NO! I AM TOO MUCH AFRAID!
Colangelo: (slaps Jose) LISTEN TO ME! FEAR IS NOTHING BUT AN UNLOCKED DOOR! THE ONLY THING PREVENTING YOU FROM PASSING THROUGH IT…IS YOU!
Calderon: MY LEGS…THEY ARE SHAKING SO…
Colangelo: TAKE A DEEP BREATH, AND CLEAR YOUR MIND!
Calderon: IT IS SO LOUD! OH, MISHTER COLAN-YELO - MUST I?
Colangelo: OF COURSE YOU MUST! YOU HAVE COME SO FAR THESE PAST THREE YEARS, JOSE! YOU HAVE THE SKILLS! YOU HAVE THE HEART! THE ONLY THING LEFT FOR YOU TO OVERCOME IS THAT TINY LITTLE VOICE INSIDE YOU THAT STILL TELLS YOU, “YOU CAN’T”!
Calderon: (gulps)
Colangelo: (grabs Calderon by the arms) LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, JOSE! SOMETHING I LEARNED FROM EXPERIENCE AT THE SUMMIT OF KANJUT SAR! WHEN A MAN CAN STARE DOWN THAT WHICH HE FEARS THE MOST, AND DEFEAT IT…CONQUER IT…LAUGH IN ITS FACE…THEN AND ONLY THEN DOES HE BECOME TRULY UNSTOPPABLE! DO YOU WISH TO BECOME UNSTOPPABLE?
Calderon: (nods)
Colangelo: DO YOU WISH TO KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE TRULY ALIVE?
Calderon: I DO!
Colangelo: THEN…STEP TO THE EDGE!
(Calderon takes a deep breath, and takes a step forward)
Colangelo: CLOSE YOUR EYES!
(Calderon closes his eyes and raises his arms at his side)
Colangelo: NOW…GO!
Calderon: (crosses himself) PARA MI FAMILIA!
(Calderon steps onto the dance floor and walks over to gorgeous brunette)
Calderon: (taps brunette on shoulder) Excuse m-me, b-but…could I interest you to…(trails off)
Woman: (shouting) WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Calderon: (breath quickens) I…er…not to bother, but…smell go good…(pitch of voice rising)…uh…low-post screen…eh, um…my teammates mean so much to me…
Woman: ARE YOU OKAY? YOU LOOK PALE!
Calderon: (sweating profusely, furiously looking around)
Woman: SAY…DON’T YOU PLAY FOR THE RAPTORS?
Calderon: (shoots panicked glance at Colangelo)
Colangelo: (gesturing with hands)
Calderon: Y-yes.
Woman: AWESOME! DANCE WITH ME THEN!
Calderon: R-really?
(Woman starts dancing with Calderon)
Colangelo: (smiles knowingly)
(Jamario Moon saunters over)
Moon: What’s going on over here, BC? Hey! Is Jose…dancing? With a…
Colangelo: (snaps) Get out of here, Jamario! You’ll scare off all the babes!
(Moon lowers head, slinks away)
Calderon: (smiling, doing The Hustle) MISHTER COLAN-YELO! I DID IT!
Colangelo: Yes you did, Jose. (crosses arms) Yes, you most certainly did.
November 11th, 2008 at 10:14 am
I am surprised he didn’t hold up 3 fingers and asked for Jamario to join.
November 11th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Nice.
November 11th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Then KG came over and started clapping and finger-wagging and really who can take that kind of pressure and Paul Pierce ended up with the girl.
November 11th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Calderon gets his girl advice from Kapono, who used to be good at long-distance relationships, but now he tries to drive straight to the hole and gets rejected.
November 11th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Jermaine O’Neal was tearing up the dance floor early on, but everyone went home disappointed when he tripped and shorted out the P.A. system.
November 11th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Bargnani looked like he wanted to show what he can do, but couldn’t seem to find the right spot on the floor.
November 11th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Colangelo told Anthony Parker to try and pick up the bartender, because he felt it was the toughest assignment.
November 11th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Joey Graham spilled Mountain Dew all over his pants and so he’s just going to stand back here for a while thank you very much.
November 11th, 2008 at 11:34 am
Hassan Adams just masturbated in the corner. No one noticed.
November 11th, 2008 at 11:45 am
It’s a shame that with all the popularity of this club, they’re still relocating it to Buffalo.
You guys certainly have a strange relationship.
November 11th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Greg Oden shambled up to the lady but she said, “Ewww! No way Grandpa!”. Greg shook his head, walked to the bar and got another Old Fashioned.
November 11th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Ruben Patterson raped her and then asked her if she wanted to be a nanny for his kids.
November 11th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Shawn Kemp asked her “Who’s your daddy?”
November 11th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
No way Kemp’s that careful.
November 11th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Vince Carter could get any girl in the room but “doesn’t feel like” dancing.
Instead, he sulks in the corner asking to go to another club.
lllllllayup!
November 11th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I had no idea all of you were at this club, I thought Spud was waring a Sherlock Holmes disguise to get this big scoop
November 11th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Calderon: NO! I AM TOO MUCH A-SCARED!
/fixed
/lives close to Mexico
November 11th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
At what point in the night does A-Rod saunter in, order Sex on the Beach shots and bang a stripper?
/knows nothing about the Toronto Raptors or anything remotely Canadian. Well, besides Dave Coulier. I know Dave Coulier really well.
November 11th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
At what point in the night does A-Rod saunter in, order Sex on the Beach shots and bang a stripper?
At the point you are in Chippendale’s.
November 11th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
“In Canada, stripper bangs you!”
November 12th, 2008 at 8:02 am
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