Tue 14 Oct 2008
(Indianapolis Colts’ team meeting room)
Tony Dungy: …it’s a gameplan that has been successful for us in the past, and it’s the gameplan that will get us past the Packers on Sunday. Now give me a ‘team’ on three. One, two, three…
Team: (in unison) TEAM!
Dungy: Good stuff. Now, before we break for the day, let’s do the weekly confessions.
Peyton Manning: (pumps fist)
Adam Vinatieri: (glares at Manning)
Dungy: Bow your heads.
(Team bows heads)
Dungy: O Lord, you know us better than we know ourselves. When we fail, you wish to restore us. We come to you believing your promise of grace and forgiveness. And for that we wish to confess our sins.
Team: (in unison) Amen.
Dungy: Now…who wants to go first?
(Peyton Manning’s hand instantly shoots up)
Dungy: Alright. Peyton.
Manning: Thanks Coach. I’ve been wantin’ to get this off m’chest fer a few days now.
Dungy: Go ahead, Peyton.
Manning: It was durin’ Monday’s film study sesh’un. ‘Member when I got up to go to the bathroom? Well, I took a bit longer in there than I was hopin’, and I didn’t wanna miss video of any of muh incompletions from Sunday, so’s I could learn from ‘em…
Reggie Wayne: (rolls eyes)
Manning: …an’ so I…and I ain’t proud of this…I came out of there without washing muh hands. I didn’t even rinse ‘em.
Dungy: That’s fine, Peyton.
Manning: I’d jus’ like to apologize to m’teammates, ‘specially those of you with whom I may have shaken hands or shared muh Oreos.
Dungy: Alright then. Who’s next?
Jim Sorgi: I can’t read.
Dungy: We know that, son.
Sorgi: No, I’m not just talking about the playbook. I mean…I’m illiterate.
Manning: (smirks, shakes head condescendingly)
Dungy: That’s very brave of you to admit, Jim. And we certainly will get you help with that.
Sorgi: (wipes eyes) Thanks, Coach. (Hugs Jeff Saturday)
Dominic Rhodes: Me, Coach.
Dungy: Go ahead, Dominic.
Rhodes: It has to do with my time in Oakland.
Dungy: What about it?
Rhodes: I drank blood.
Dungy: Excuse me?
Rhodes: Human blood. Al Davis made me. He makes everybody. If you don’t, he won’t let you use the showers.
Dungy: Um…well…at least you now see that it was wrong. Thanks for sharing. Anyone else?
Vinatieri: LOOKS LIKE THAT’S IT COACH!
Dungy: No one has anything they would like to get off their chest?
Dungy: Not one of you has something that they have been hiding for a long period of time? Some deep, dark part of them they keep tucked away deep inside? Something they would like to finally share in the safety and sanctity of a room full of brothers, who will love them and accept them unconditionally no matter what they might be involved in?
(Everyone turns towards Marvin Harrison)
Harrison: What’s everybody looking at? I’ve got nothing to confess.
Vinatieri: FOR GOD’S SAKE JUST TELL US MARVIN!
Dungy: (surprised) Adam! Settle down! (to Harrison) There is no one here that will judge you, Marvin.
Harrison: I know that, Coach. But really, I’m fine.
Manning: C’mon, Marv. We’re yer family.
Harrison: (sighs) Listen. I know what everybody’s thinking. But that whole thing is just a bunch of baloney.
Dungy: Go on, son.
Harrison: Look, I’m not going to deny that I knew the guy who got shot, that it happened near my bar, or that a gun I owned was involved. But did it ever occur to you that this guy came into my bar, started trouble, and I simply kicked him out? And that maybe someone else who was there, someone who had problems with this guy, took the gun that I keep stored at the bar, to protect it from being robbed, took it without me knowing, followed the guy down the road, got into an argument with him, and then shot him? I mean, some of you guys have known me for thirteen years! Have you ever known me to get into any kind of trouble before?
Dungy: No we haven’t. And if you say that’s how it happened, that’s how it happened. No one doubts your word, Marvin.
Harrison: Well, thanks Coach. That means a lot to me.
Dungy: Okay, unless there is anything else, that’s it for…
Vinatieri: WELL LOOKS LIKE THERE’S NO ONE ELSE COACH!
Dungy: (eyes Vinatieri suspiciously) Alright then. Get a good night’s sleep everybody, and see you back here tomorrow.
(Team files out of meeting room)
Manning: (to Harrison) Y’know I never doubted you, Marv. (opens arms) C’mere.
Harrison: (whispers to Manning) You know I dream about burying your ass every single night, don’t you, Cracker? And I wake up every morning with the biggest god damn smile on my face, happy as can be.
Harrison: It’s gonna happen. And it won’t be the first time I’ve done it. Count on it.
Manning: Hmm. (confused) Wait a sec, what’d you say, Marv? Hey, Marv! Wait up…!
Hunter Smith: (to Vinatieri) Hey Adam, feel like getting some extra practice in? I’ll hold for you.
Vinatieri: Uh, no, you go ahead home, Hunter. I’ve got some stuff to take care of.
(Smith leaves. Vinatieri is alone in meeting room. He carefully surveys the room, then shuffles over to overhead projector and leans towards it)
Vinatieri: Vinatieri on.
(Suddenly, a tiny hologram of Bill Belichick appears on panel of projector)
Belichick: Your report.
Vinatieri: C-coach Belichick, I d-don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. I’m starting to think that Coach Dungy is on to me and…
Belichick: SILENCE! Need I remind you of the 2007 AFC Championship game? Do you really wish to fail me twice?
Vinatieri: (lowers head, sighs) Petyon Manning goes to the bathroom without washing his hands.
Belichick: (evil grin) Excellent.