A critical look at the headlines that shape our world

Just a reminder to our American readers (i.e., NSA surveillance operatives, the infirm and the unemployed) that Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving today.  Notwithstanding our respect for the injuns from which we wrested this great nation, on to the headlines!

NATO Sending Ships to Tackle Somali Pirates: Worst Disneyland Ride Ever

I love the cognitive dissonance that results from reading this headline: (1) What does a Somali Pirate wear? and (2) What would a ship tackling a pirate look like?

Brinkley’s Ex Says He’s Not ‘Pervert’; Is Wrong

Armed with the benefit of hindsight, his lawyer would question the decision to call Mark Chmura as a character witness.

Alanis Morrissette Headline of the Day: Man Wrongly Imprisoned For 20 Years Dies After Mo-Ped Crash

I know, the whole “Isn’t it Ironic” angle is getting tired.  Well, excuse me mister cutting-edge.  Maybe you don’t understand the pressures and constant deadlines that come with writing for a top-notch not-for-profit website.  That’s right: not-for-profit.  How the hell am I supposed to feed my kids?

Unregulated Sperm Donation Causes 30 Women to be Impregnated by Same Man; Critics Decry Effects of ‘Ejaculation Deregulation’

“Unregulated Sperm Donation”, or USD, is colloquially known as “bukkake”, “wet dream” or “brushing past Shawn Kemp”.

DNA Proves It – Baby Shark Has No Father; Maury Povich Scrambles for New Angle

Befuddled by global warming, cancer and quantum physics, brave scientists turn their collective eye to the scourge of bastard sharks.

Ohio Inmate’s Too-Fat-To-Execute Argument Fails; Judge Orders Drip-Tray to be Installed

Basically, he’s saying that as a result of his immense girth, he cannot be destroyed.  It’s like the worst version of Highlander ever.

Google News Alerts for “Prince Fielder”: Asteroid Reportedly Streaks Over Africa; Wayward Manatee Spotted off Cape Cod; Dolphin Leaps Into Boat, Knocks Woman Unconscious

What are you looking at? Prince Fielder = fat. Everybody knows that.