As the beginning of yet another NHL season draws nigh, the frozen land mass we call home is atwitter with anticipation. That’s right - atwitter. For soon the painful off-season known as “summer” will be a distant memory, and order will be restored to the cosmos as the teams once more take to the ice in an orgy of blood, violence and two-line passes. And once again Saturday nights will have meaning as we welcome the return of the greatest television program in our nation’s history (aside from Degrassi, The Beachcombers and Danger Bay): Hockey Night in Canada.

For those of you south of the border who may be unfamiliar with this unparalleled sports phenomenon, it is a weekly masterpiece that is broadcast by our national television network (the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, or the “CBC”). In short, HNIC provides Canadians with a reason to put their snow pants on each morning and, more generally a reason to live. We will not take the time and valuable internet space to list the endless string of state-funded programs produced by the CBC that have entertained our nation over the years, but suffice it to say that the CBC’s programming is widely recognized (in the Yukon and parts of New Brunswick) as being almost above average. With accolades like that, therefore, it is hardly surprising that the network boasts the greatest hockey coverage in the world (followed closesly by the Versus Network). Below is a sample of how easily we Canadians are amused (please note the informative “Ricky Bobby-esque” religious discourse on Baby Jesus):

An essential part of the Hockey Night in Canada experience (which is much like the Jimi Hendrix Experience, though less racially diverse) is the Hockey Night in Canada theme song. Every child exits a Canadian womb with this song genetically coded into their music memory. It is sung in schools, churches and strip clubs across the nation. Also, it doesn’t have any words, so it’s easy for us Canucks to sing along with. For those unfortunate souls who have never had the pleasure, please sit back and enjoy the greatest theme music (probably) not written by John Williams:

Sadly, due to increasing tension between the CBC and the owner to the rights of our unofficial national anthem, the CBC announced at the end of last season that they would no longer be able to use the hallowed song as its intro hymn. Though we were initially disheartened to hear that this piece of history was to be forever lost (or picked up by TSN, which amounts to effectively the same thing), we have since had a change of heart. Why, you ask? Because the CBC, in its infinite federally-funded wisdom, has cleverly decided to replace the song with a theme composed by the fans themselves! Genius! After all, if you throw a bunch of drunk hockey fans in a garage with some guitars, an amp, a case of beer, a complete lack of talent and a computer, you are virtually guaranteed to have a hit song in a matter of weeks. It’s like the whole “monkeys on a typewriter” thing.

Thankfully the CBC also saw fit to post the various (unvetted) submissions on its website, so the fans can keep tabs on the musical competition as it unfolds. We here at Food Court Lunch have been following the fast-paced action with great fascination, and we can assure you that the competition has been fierce. Apparently we live in a tundra full of musical talent! Although not “official” judges of the event, we have taken the liberty of selecting what we believe to be the top contenders for the grand prize. And while our selections will not necessarily be determinative of the outcome, we’re pretty confident that the CBC will look to us for guidance. So without further ado, please enjoy FCL’s Picks for the New Hockey Night In Canada Theme Song:

1) The “Out of Work Metallica Cover Band” Theme (formerly known as the “List of Canadian Cities Read Over Guitar Feedback” Theme):

2) The “Words Cannot Express” Theme (formerly known as the “Is That Gourmet Spud’s Mom?” Theme):

3) The “Samba 1″ Theme (formerly known as “Someone’s At the Door” Theme):

4) The “Jon Bon Jovi Circa. 1988 Tribute” Theme:

5) The “Just F-ing Awesome” Theme:

6) The “Really?!” Theme:

7) The “Can We Submit Our Song on 8-Track?” Theme (formerly known as the “Press Play On Tape” Theme”):

8 ) The “Class of ‘78 High School Band Reunion” Theme:

9) The “Who Taught My Mom How To Use The Internet?!?” Theme:

10) The “Boo Ya!” Theme (formerly known as the “Is That David Cross?” Theme. Also formerly known as the “‘Shoots A Score’? Really? You Don’t Watch A Lot Of Hockey, Do You?” Theme):

Well, CBC - the future certainly looks bright! They’re all winners in our books!