(‘Ode to Joy’ plays and audience cheers as we return from commercial break) 

Nancy Pimental: …aaaaaaand we’re back with the exciting conclusion of “Win Latrell Sprewell’s Money”! You’re up against a tough opponent today, Latrell – how are you feeling?

Latrell Sprewell: (sitting in isolation booth) I keep telling you – I don’t know what is going on here! Why do you keep saying people are trying to win my money?

Nancy: Latrell, we asked Paulo, the actuary and amateur dog breeder from Portland, Oregon, ten questions. He answered five of them correctly. That means you’ve got to get at least six questions right in order to hang on to your $5000.

Sprewell: (frantic) But I don’t have $5000 to lose! I mean…is this even legal? 

Nancy: I’m going to ask you the same ten questions I asked Paulo. You have sixty seconds – are you ready?

Sprewell: NO! Are you deaf, woman? I…AM…BANKRUPT! Don’t you people read the papers?

Nancy: Let’s begin.

(Clock starts ticking)

Nancy: Norman Mailer once referred to this other American literary giant as a “sell-out to best sellerdom”.

Sprewell: I…what the…how…

Nancy: Incorrect. Hurricane Katrina was what category of hurricane when it reached landfall in New Orleans?

Sprewell: (struggling with door to booth) You all locked me in here! This is false imprisonment!

Nancy: Incorrect. This international aid organization is the only three-time recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize.

Sprewell: You know what? You come try and collect! You can’t take blood from a stone.

Nancy: Incorrect. Name three of the four elements that make up over 99% of the human body.

Sprewell: F*** YOU, NANCY!

Nancy: Incorrect…(slyly) that is, not until you buy me a drink first. (makes goofy face at camera)


(Crowd laughs and applauds)

Nancy: With a $1.7 million price tag, what is the most expensive street-legal production car in the world?

Sprewell: The Bugatti Veyron.

Nancy: Correct.

Sprewell: (rubs temples) I used to own four of them.

Nancy: What current NBA basketball player has won seven championship titles despite never once making an all-star team?

Sprewell: Oh! What’s his name? I went to college with the guy…Robert Horry!

Nancy: Correct. In 2006, what U.S. state lifted its forty-year-old ban on tattoo parlours?

Sprewell: Hell, I don’t know…one of those bible-loving, tornado states. Um – Oklahoma?

Nancy: Correct.

Sprewell: What? Well…alright! Let’s do this thing!

Nancy: What famous American film director is the subject of the largest number of wildly inaccurate impressions?

Sprewell: Woody Allen.

Nancy: Correct. One more to tie.

Sprewell: Come on! I need this! No m*****-f****** whammies!

Nancy: How many kids do you have?

Sprewell: Four.

Nancy: Incorrect.

Sprewell: (winces) Oh, right. Denise.

Nancy: Last question – what is the current minimum wage in the United States?

Sprewell: …

Nancy: Three seconds, Latrell, this is for the tie.

Sprewell: Okay, okay. Um – four hundred an hour?

(Buzzer sounds)

Nancy: Ooh, no, I’m sorry, that is incorrect. But that means that Paulo! (crowd erupts) You have just won $5000 of Latrell Sprewell’s money!

Paulo: Oh…oh my god!

Nancy: Congratulations, good sir! What are you going to do with all your moolah?

Paulo: Oh, wow! Well, jeez, I’ve got a big pile of student loans, so I think this money is going straight towaaAAAACCCCHHHHH! GUNNGGGGHHHHH!

Sprewell: (choking Paulo) Give me back my money, Paulo!

Nancy: Latrell Sprewell – choking for the second time today!

(Audience laughs and applauds)

Nancy: G’night, everybody!