Having recently returned from my annual trip to Reno Las Vegas, it struck me that many of our readers may be relative novices when it comes to the ins and outs of the Vegas experience. Indeed, some of you may be entirely unfamiliar with the sacred “Vegas Code” (which is a lot like the Da Vinci Code, without Tom Hanks). In our ongoing efforts to educate the unwashed masses, therefore, we have compiled the following list of rules that, if followed to the letter, will guarantee the ultimate Las Vegas adventure:

1.  Always Stay “Off Strip” - The most important element of any trip to Vegas is where you stay. A lot of amateurs will make the mistake of booking a hotel on the famous Las Vegas “Strip”, thinking that they want to be close to the action. Rookie mistake. All of the big players know that you want a nice 6-10 mile buffer between your hotel and the so-called action. Accordingly, when your buddy tells you he has found a great deal at the Days Inn, which is only a “short cab ride to the Strip”, book it! That way, when “the ladies” ask where you are staying, you can dazzle them with your thriftiness (and the prospect of a lengthy cab ride to a sub-par motel).

2.  Always Gamble Drunk - Another common mistake among rookie Vegasers is to hit the tables while sober. If history has taught us anything (aside from the fact that the Irish will commit unspeakable acts in the name of the potato), it is that gambling should always be done while (heavily) intoxicated. Science shows that humans make their wisest decisions while “wasted” (that’s a scientific term - look it up). Accordingly, when you return from the local “ballet” at 6:30 in the morning and your friends are pushing for some breakfast, resist the peer pressure. Now is the perfect time to hit the tables!! You’re a god who cannot be beaten at this point, particularly by some fancypants dealer with a smug expression and quick hands. Show them who’s boss (Tony Danza)! Hell, double-down on everything just for the hell of it. You simply cannot lose. And if you do, there’s always an ATM nearby. If at all possible, try to act like this guy.

3.  The Strippers Really Like You (& Only You) - A lot of nay-sayers will tell you that strippers are merely in the game for the money, and that their motives are purely mercenary. This is pure folly. Strippers are simply looking for true love. Sure, they make a little money on the side, but the fact remains that they are waiting for Mr. Right to walk through that heavily-guarded door at 3:00 AM. As such, if you are lucky enough to find yourself engaged in a conversation with a stripper who shows signs of being interested in you and what you have to say, do not waste this rare opportunity! She really likes you. In order to show her that you feel the same, be sure to shower her with money (tip her for dances, buy her shots, offer to fund her ongoing education as an actuary). You’d be amazed at how many actuaries-in-training there are in the Vegas strip clubs, all of whom have been waiting for a guy like you. And if your friends try to drag you out of there, remember that they just don’t understand what true love is. They are not true friends.

4.  Groups of Guys Reign Supreme - The nightlife in Vegas is unparalleled: Celine Dion, Cher, Carrot Top and, of course, Danny Gans (also known as “The Entertainer of the Year”, according to Mrs. Gans). If you are unfortunate enough to miss out on all of this action, there are always the clubs. They’re ok, I guess. But if you go this route, be sure to travel in large groups of guys. The clubs are desperate for hordes of awkward, poorly-dressed males, so travelling in nerd packs is definitely the way to go. Trust me. Also, don’t plan in advance. Just see where the night takes you. When you end up outside of a suitable venue, just stand awkwardly with the other members of your gender and try to flag down the bouncer. Once you explain that you and your friends just want to get in to the club for some drinks and to cut a rug, he will let you right in. If he doesn’t, be sure to badger him constantly. Whatever you do, do not offer him any money - this will be taken as an insult, and you may suffer for your rudeness.

5. Bottle Service Is Always A Bargain - Since the dawn of mankind, philosophers have passionately debated the timeless question of whether it is better to get bottle service than to buy drinks at the bar. Sometimes you don’t have a choice (we call those weekdays in Vegas… and weekends). However, when you do, always go with bottle service. It is a steal! Admittedly, the 700% mark-up on the cost of the bottle will seem expensive at first, but think of all the time you’ll save by not having to stand in line! Also, you get a tiny couch to sit on, and an equally tiny table around which to huddle. You cannot put a price on this luxury! But be warned! There is a risk that your table will be approached by young ladies looking for fun and a few free drinks. Send these harlots packing, my friend. You are there to get drunk with your friends in a corner, not to socialize with women in need of alcohol. Keep your heads down, and drink the bottles as quickly as you can. If you’re looking for love, your best bet is definitely the bottle service hostess. These poor creatures are rarely hit on, and are dying for you to speak to them. The 20% commission they are making off of your $2000 table purchase in no way influences how witty and charming they find you. Finally, if you do make the mistake of inviting ladies to join you at the table, be sure they bring their friends. Pour as many drinks as you possibly can for all of the well-wishers who pass by. Once you have made a single drink for them, they are duty-bound to stay with you for the remainder of the evening and engage you in glorious conversation. Moreover, they will be so full from the first drink that they could not possibly think of asking for another. And if you run out of booze, fear not - you can always order another bottle…