The Food Court Lunch sports journalism team was pleased to find the following canoe.ca article on the Top Ten Hockey Nicknames.

http://slam.canoe.ca/Slam/Top10/2007/02/18/4484789-sun.html?49f1e891d0d749bdb5999674c4046cd4

However, being diligent and thorough journalists, we were disappointed that the article failed to mention the lesser-known secret nicknames of famous hockey players. Our mandate made clear, we have researched the annals of hockey lore to bring you the Top 10 Secret Hockey Nicknames.

10. Steve “Straight, No Chaser” Chiasson

Steve Yzerman said the following about Chiasson: “Steve was a simple guy.” Yzerman was correct. Apparently, taxis, rides home, and low blood alcohol content were much too complicated for Chiasson.

9. Dany “M. Piedlourde” Heatley

The nickname for this young Ottawa forward stems from a bit of a fender bender he got in while playing for the Atlanta Thrashers. Those fluent in French and fans of the Kids in the Hall will understand the origins of the nickname.

8. Kevin “Rick James” Stevens

Kevin likes cocaine and prostitutes. What can you say? The man’s got needs. Kevin also helped produce Eddie Murphy’s “Party All The Time”. He’s the white guy in the background.

7. Rob “How’s Gary?” Ramage

That’s a good question, Rob. We should ask Keith Magnuson. Oh, wait, sorry, we can’t — he’s dead.

6. Ed “The Billionaire” Belfour

Also known as “The Eagle”, Ed Belfour is not very happy about his secret nickname. In fact, he will pay you $100,000 to keep it a secret. Not enough? How about…one billion dollars?

5. Brett “The Arctic Cat” Lindros

It appears that young Brett showed the same aptitude in dodging rocks as he showed in dodging concussion-causing blows to the head.

4. Jose “Easy Rider” Theodore

What can you say? He’s got a lot of friends. He’s also a huge fan of Peter Fonda.

3. Mike “Machiavelli” Danton

Like the wily Florentine himself, Danton believes that sometimes it is necessary to do something evil in nature in order to achieve the greater good. Unlike the wily Florentine, Danton is an idiot.

2. Theo “Graham James? Never heard of him” Fleury

This nickname, although awkwardly long, was given to him because the alternative, “Threw Sheldon Kennedy Under The Bus”, was in fact longer.

1. Doug “The Babysitter Splitter” Gilmour

Doug Gilmour, the feisty, under-sized former centre for the Leafs and Flames, is more commonly known by the nickname “Killer”. However, his hasty and awkward exit from St. Louis after an off-ice incident early on in his career may have given rise to his lesser-known nickname.

That’s not how the shocker is done, Doug. I am sure you know better than that.