Little Boy: “Daddy, why are those men wearing those masks?”
Father: “Well, son…sometimes…when a half-male loves another half-male…”

Does this conversation sound familiar?

Let’s face it: today’s modern sports environment is no longer the family friendly haven it once was.  Scandal is nothing new to sports; the 1919 Black Sox probably set the all-time benchmark for fan disillusionment.  But back then it was easy to keep your children sheltered from the bad stuff.  The only mainstream media outlet was the newspaper (the radio would not be invented for another 40 years) and, with all that time spent working in factories and pleading for more gruel, kids didn’t have time to learn how to read.

GET BACK TO WORK, TWIST!

Not so today.  No sooner did the Mike Vick dogfighting story break then kids started flocking to Google to learn how to build their own rape stands.  Why, just last week an eight-year old Tennessee boy was suspended from school for two weeks for “making it rain” over two of his third-grade classmates…probably.  And for parents of young girls, why bother even taking them to games when the only female sports role models out there are hyper-sexualized cheerleaders or WNBA players?

Therefore, we at Food Court Lunch say we drop the facade.  Sports aren’t for kids.  And even if we’re wrong, we shouldn’t prolong the crushing disillusionment they will feel when Tom Brady inevitably gets caught in a bathroom stall with one of Travis Henry’s kids, with Belichick smugly filming the whole thing.

Sports today is grown-up entertainment, so let’s go the whole way.  We’re talking Rated R sports broadcasts. There is no way this could fail.  It’s currently “Dragnet“.  Let’s make it “The Wire.”

Close, but not quite.

That's it!

Here are four easy ways to enhance the sports viewing experience for today’s jaded fan:

1. Mic Certain Players At All Times

Right now, the only way to hear what is being said during games is when someone accidentally gets too close to a mic, or when the networks put together one of those “Sounds of the Game” segments. Those are fine, but are obviously cleaned up for public consumption.

But that’s not going to cut it in this newest of millenniums. We should have real-time mics on the craziest and funniest players at all times. How great would it have been to hear Gary Payton’s non-stop jibber-jabbering, Rickey Henderson’s running monologue (”Ignore them fans, Rickey. You still the greatest.”) or Orel Hershiser’s soft baritone humming your favourite church hymns, all first-hand? The answer is “very great”. We missed out with those guys. We shouldn’t let the era of Gilbert Arenas and sister-bashing-Italian-national-soccer-team-players silently pass us by.

Allow Bryan Trottier to make our case for us:

2. Uncensored Signage

During a break in play in the Bengals/Browns week two game, the cameras panned to a Cincy fan holding a sign reading, “IF IT IS, OR EVER WAS, BROWN, FLUSH IT DOWN.” Great stuff. Problem was, we had to rewind (bless you, PVR) to see it (we were tipped off by the cameraman’s abrupt cut-away).

Think of all the hilarious signs that either 1) get taken away by ushers or 2) don’t get made because of 1). What year is this, 1984? We should have a cameraman whose only job is to search the crowd for interesting signs so we can decide if we think they are funny…:

…confusingly erotic…:

Which one's that? The right ear canal?

…or horrifically evil:

Not pictured: Saints' fan's "You're a Fat Asshole" sign.

Ignorant signage should no longer be the exclusive domain of the wrestling fan. If I want to inform a national t.v. audience that my nickname is “Sexual Vanilla”, that’s my business.

3. No More Penalizing Celebrations

Joe Buck's not going to like this one.

Sports celebrations can either be awesome (the Ickey Shuffle, T.O.’s camerawork, Sam Cassell miming giant nuts, Chad Johnson’s River Dance), lame (Mutumbo’s finger-wag, Joe Horn’s Cell Phone, Chad Johnson’s Hall of Fame Coat) or season-ending (Gus Frerotte’s head-butt). But they are always fun to watch.

So if we don’t have to worry about setting a bad example for kids, then the only reason NOT to allow them is to keep games shorter. But where else do you have to be, honestly? What, you’re such a bigshot you can’t stay for an extra three minutes to watch Steve Smith wipe a football’s ass? You think you’re so important ever since you got that Land Rover, don’t you? Go fuck yourself, Trevor.

In any event, we say drop the techincal fouls, the penalities on kick-offs and the fines. Athletes are entertainers.

Let them entertain you.

Mother Mary and Joseph! These are good boys! Let them entertain you!

4. Do The Evolution

As in:

1960s

1980s

2000s

Argentinians

You can’t argue with science.