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(Ricky Williams and Ernest Wilford sit on the couch in Williams’s living room, watching television.  There is a knock at the door.) 

Williams: Hmm.  Wonder who that is?

(Williams opens doorChad Pennington stands on the porch.)


Williams: Oh, hey Chad.

Pennington: Hi Ricky.  I hope I’m not disturbing you.

Williams: Not at all.  Come on in.

Pennington: Thanks.  Oh, hi Ernie.

Wilford: What’s up, Chad?

Williams: So, what brings you by?

Pennington: Well, I was just down the street at Chad Henne’s place playing badminton, and I thought that I should stop in and say howdy.  You know, get to know some of my new teammates a little bit better.

Williams: Cool, man, glad you did.

Pennington: Thanks!  So what are you fellas up to?

Williams: Oh, just hanging out, watching t.v.

Pennington: That sounds neat.  Say, this is a swell place you’ve got here!  Is this linoleum flooring?

Williams: Yep.  Thanks. (Chime sounds from kitchen) Alright, food’s ready.

(Williams walks over to the stove, and pulls out a tray of brownies.)


Williams: Perfect.

Wilford: Mmm.  Can’t wait to tuck into those.

Williams: (cutting brownies) Chad, you want one of these?

Pennington: (startled) W-would I like one of what?

Williams: You know.  A brownie.

Pennington: (gulps) A b-brownie?

Williams: Yeah.  I made them with my own “secret ingredient”.  You in?

Pennington: Jeez, I don’t know.  I’ve never had one of these before…

Williams: What?  Then you don’t know what you’re missing, man.  And mine are the best.  Jake Delhomme couldn’t get enough of them back when we were in New Orleans.

Pennington: Really?  Jake ate them?

Williams: Are you kidding me?  He made me make a pan before every game.

Pennington: Well…(taps fingers nervously on counter)…sure!  Why the heck not?

Williams: Alright.  Dig in.

Pennington: (rubs hands together) This is going to be fun!


(One hour later.  Williams and Wilford sit on the couch.  Pennington is sprawled out on the floor.)

Pennington: …and they just totally changed her, and they didn’t say anything!  Like, one minute she was this skinny, really dark lady, who is like, a ballerina.  And the next minute, she’s this bigger, lighter skinned lady with poofy hair!  I mean…(laughing hysterically)…how crazy is that!  Like Uncle Phil isn’t going to notice he’s sleeping with a totally different person?

Williams: That’s funny.

Wilford: Yeah, that’s crazy, Chad.

Pennington: (laughing hysterically) And Carlton…that dance…

Williams: Anybody want some tea or something?

Pennington: (suddenly on couch, scrolling through Williams’s iTunes) OOH!  I know this tune!  Can I put this on?  PLEASE?

Williams: Sure, man, go nuts.

(En Vogue’s ‘Free Your Mind’ begins to play.)

Pennington: Turn this up! (stands up, eyes closed, white man’s overbite) Mmm…yeah…(off-key)…wear tight clothing…high heel shoes….(angrily pointing)…DOESN’T MEAN THAT I’M A PROSTITUTE!

Wilford: Heh heh. 

Williams: You tell ’em, Chad.

Pennington: Say, Ricky, are there any more of those brownies?

Williams: Naw, man, you finished off the whole pan.

Pennington: (rubs stomach) Shoot, I am starving.  Must be the darn ‘munchies’!  Is there anything in the fridge?

Williams: Help yourself.

Pennington: (stumbles trying to slide on linoleum) Whoa.  (opens fridge) Alright, let’s see what we’ve…oh!  Kalamata olives!  Can I have some?

Williams: They’re all yours.

Pennington: (runs and sits cross-legged on floor, furiously munching olives)  Wow, I feel so loose right now.  Hey!  You guys want to go see Wall-E?

Wilford: I’m cool right here, man.

Pennington: Comeoncomeonecomeon!  You’ll love it!  I’ve seen it twice already, it’s great!

Williams: Maybe later, Chad.

Pennington: Oh, you guys are no f…oh, shoot.  It’s already 7:30.

Williams: What’s at 7:30?

Pennington: I promised Robin I’d tape Grey’s Anatomy tonight.  And I forgot to set the darn TiVo.

Wilford: Bummer.

Pennington: I should probably get going.  (gasps) But I shouldn’t be driving right now, should I?

Williams: S’alright, I’ll call you a cab.

Pennington: No, that’s okay.  I’ll just walk.

Williams: Don’t you live, like, fifteen miles from here?

Pennington: I just feel like being outside.  Close to nature.

Williams: Whatever you say, man.

Pennington: Come here, you guys. (hugs Wilford) Love you, man.  This season is going to be the best!

Wilford: You know it, Chad.

Pennington: Ricky. (hugs Williams) We gotta hang out more often.  Maybe have some more (points to nose) “brownies”.

Williams: Anytime, Chad.

Pennington: (jogs down front steps) Before you can read me, (something) learn how to see me!

Wilford: (closes door, smiles) Are you ever going to tell him there was nothing in the brownies?

Williams: What?  And break his little heart?

Wilford: “Secret ingredient”.  He nearly fainted.

Williams: (mock innocence) You didn’t taste the crushed Oreos? (looks through blinds)  Check out this crazy little altar boy.

Pennington: (standing on sidewalk with arms spread, staring at sunset) I GET IT!  I GEEETTTTTT ITTTTTTTT!

Wilford: Wow.  (shakes head) Come on.  Double or nothing on Madden.

Williams: Hey, it’s your twenty grand.


UPDATE: Damn you, Christmas Ape.  Damn you straight to hell.