Wed 20 Aug 2008
(Ricky Williams and Ernest Wilford sit on the couch in Williams’s living room, watching television. There is a knock at the door.)
Williams: Hmm. Wonder who that is?
(Williams opens door. Chad Pennington stands on the porch.)
Williams: Oh, hey Chad.
Pennington: Hi Ricky. I hope I’m not disturbing you.
Williams: Not at all. Come on in.
Pennington: Thanks. Oh, hi Ernie.
Wilford: What’s up, Chad?
Williams: So, what brings you by?
Pennington: Well, I was just down the street at Chad Henne’s place playing badminton, and I thought that I should stop in and say howdy. You know, get to know some of my new teammates a little bit better.
Williams: Cool, man, glad you did.
Pennington: Thanks! So what are you fellas up to?
Williams: Oh, just hanging out, watching t.v.
Pennington: That sounds neat. Say, this is a swell place you’ve got here! Is this linoleum flooring?
Williams: Yep. Thanks. (Chime sounds from kitchen) Alright, food’s ready.
(Williams walks over to the stove, and pulls out a tray of brownies.)
Wilford: Mmm. Can’t wait to tuck into those.
Williams: (cutting brownies) Chad, you want one of these?
Pennington: (startled) W-would I like one of what?
Williams: You know. A brownie.
Pennington: (gulps) A b-brownie?
Williams: Yeah. I made them with my own “secret ingredient”. You in?
Pennington: Jeez, I don’t know. I’ve never had one of these before…
Williams: What? Then you don’t know what you’re missing, man. And mine are the best. Jake Delhomme couldn’t get enough of them back when we were in New Orleans.
Pennington: Really? Jake ate them?
Williams: Are you kidding me? He made me make a pan before every game.
Pennington: Well…(taps fingers nervously on counter)…sure! Why the heck not?
Williams: Alright. Dig in.
Pennington: (rubs hands together) This is going to be fun!
(One hour later. Williams and Wilford sit on the couch. Pennington is sprawled out on the floor.)
Pennington: …and they just totally changed her, and they didn’t say anything! Like, one minute she was this skinny, really dark lady, who is like, a ballerina. And the next minute, she’s this bigger, lighter skinned lady with poofy hair! I mean…(laughing hysterically)…how crazy is that! Like Uncle Phil isn’t going to notice he’s sleeping with a totally different person?
Williams: That’s funny.
Wilford: Yeah, that’s crazy, Chad.
Pennington: (laughing hysterically) And Carlton…that dance…
Williams: Anybody want some tea or something?
Pennington: (suddenly on couch, scrolling through Williams’s iTunes) OOH! I know this tune! Can I put this on? PLEASE?
Williams: Sure, man, go nuts.
(En Vogue’s ‘Free Your Mind’ begins to play.)
Pennington: Turn this up! (stands up, eyes closed, white man’s overbite) Mmm…yeah…(off-key)…wear tight clothing…high heel shoes….(angrily pointing)…DOESN’T MEAN THAT I’M A PROSTITUTE!
Wilford: Heh heh.
Williams: You tell ‘em, Chad.
Pennington: Say, Ricky, are there any more of those brownies?
Williams: Naw, man, you finished off the whole pan.
Pennington: (rubs stomach) Shoot, I am starving. Must be the darn ‘munchies’! Is there anything in the fridge?
Williams: Help yourself.
Pennington: (stumbles trying to slide on linoleum) Whoa. (opens fridge) Alright, let’s see what we’ve…oh! Kalamata olives! Can I have some?
Williams: They’re all yours.
Pennington: (runs and sits cross-legged on floor, furiously munching olives) Wow, I feel so loose right now. Hey! You guys want to go see Wall-E?
Wilford: I’m cool right here, man.
Pennington: Comeoncomeonecomeon! You’ll love it! I’ve seen it twice already, it’s great!
Williams: Maybe later, Chad.
Pennington: Oh, you guys are no f…oh, shoot. It’s already 7:30.
Williams: What’s at 7:30?
Pennington: I promised Robin I’d tape Grey’s Anatomy tonight. And I forgot to set the darn TiVo.
Pennington: I should probably get going. (gasps) But I shouldn’t be driving right now, should I?
Williams: S’alright, I’ll call you a cab.
Pennington: No, that’s okay. I’ll just walk.
Williams: Don’t you live, like, fifteen miles from here?
Pennington: I just feel like being outside. Close to nature.
Williams: Whatever you say, man.
Pennington: Come here, you guys. (hugs Wilford) Love you, man. This season is going to be the best!
Wilford: You know it, Chad.
Pennington: Ricky. (hugs Williams) We gotta hang out more often. Maybe have some more (points to nose) “brownies”.
Williams: Anytime, Chad.
Pennington: (jogs down front steps) Before you can read me, (something) learn how to see me!
Wilford: (closes door, smiles) Are you ever going to tell him there was nothing in the brownies?
Williams: What? And break his little heart?
Wilford: “Secret ingredient”. He nearly fainted.
Williams: (mock innocence) You didn’t taste the crushed Oreos? (looks through blinds) Check out this crazy little altar boy.
Pennington: (standing on sidewalk with arms spread, staring at sunset) I GET IT! I GEEETTTTTT ITTTTTTTT!
Wilford: Wow. (shakes head) Come on. Double or nothing on Madden.
Williams: Hey, it’s your twenty grand.
UPDATE: Damn you, Christmas Ape. Damn you straight to hell.