Thu 7 Aug 2008
(Office of Larry Hackett, Managing Editor, People Magazine.)
Assistant: (on speakerphone) Mr. Hackett? Your, um, 9:30 is here.
Hackett: Send him in.
(Freddie Mitchell enters office.)
Mitchell: (to assistant in hall) Fine, don’t let me see that beautiful smile. You keep that to yourself, sugar. (to Hackett) Hey, how you doing, stretch?
Hackett: May I help you?
Mitchell: Well I certainly hope so, boss man. Or, more ack-oh-rat-lee, Fred-Ex was hoping that you and he could maybe help each other.
Hackett: I’m sorry…”Fred-Ex”?
Mitchell: (winces) Not a football fan. I dig. But that doesn’t mean that you and I can’t do a little business.
Hackett: What brings you here today, Mr…
Mitchell: Mitchell. But call me Freddie.
Hackett: Okay. What brings you here today, Freddie?
Mitchell: Let me lay it out for you. Now, I was lying in my jacuzzi the other day, watching the news – I’ve got a 42-inch plasma in my jacuzzi room – and what do I hear coming out of Miss Mary Hart’s pretty little mouth? That Peoples the Magazine has paid $14 million greenbacks for some pictures of Angelina Jolie’s new babies!
Hackett: More or less.
Mitchell: And Fred-Ex thought to himself, if it’s pictures of famous babies that Peoples the Magazine wants, hell, Freddie can get y’all pictures of famous babies.
Hackett: Well, we’re always interested in providing our readers with family photographs of some of their favourite celebrities. Are you a photographer?
Mitchell: Well I’ll let you be the judge of that, my man. Here. I brought you this picture that I took when I was leaving the pharmacy.
(Drops photo on the table.)
Hackett: What…what’s this?
Mitchell: Oh…don’t you know?
Hackett: It looks like a cell phone picture of…Kate Hudson?
Hackett: Goldie Hawn.
Mitchell: You know it, breeze. I even checked out her purchases on the way out. She bought some Tylenol, a bottle of sunscreen, and…(checks list in pocket)…and a couple of birthday cards.
Hackett: Mr. Mitchell, this isn’t the type of picture People usually looks for…
Mitchell: Alright, I hear you. I got others. Check out this one I took of Mr. Drummond’s kid.
Hackett: That’s Gary Coleman.
Mitchell: If you say so, professor. But just look at him there, all adorable and whatnot. He’s like a little baby businessman!
Hackett: Gary Coleman is forty years old.
Mitchell: What? With them tiny little hands?
Hackett: Have you…have you ever read our magazine?
Mitchell: Now let’s not fret over semitics, chief. I’m here to give you the goods!
Hackett: Mr. Mitchell, I have a very busy day ahead of me…
Mitchell: Alright, alright. Freddie knows busy. I’m not here to waste your time. Those last two was just the icing – this one here is my cake. Feast your peeps on this – Brad Pitt’s new babies!
(Slams photo down on table.)
Hackett: Mr. Mitchell…
Mitchell: Now does Fred-Ex deliver or does Fred-Ex deliver?
Hackett: Mr. Mitchell, these are the pictures we just purchased.
Mitchell: What? From who?
Hackett: These are the pictures of Angelina Jolie’s newborn twins that we just bought. Brad Pitt is the father.
Mitchell: How about that? He’s a lucky man!
Hackett: In fact, it looks like these were just torn out of our magazine.
Mitchell: That’s possible. Was there a copy in your waiting room?
Hackett: Mr. Mitchell, I’ve got another meeting in five minutes. Thank you for coming in.
Hackett: Excuse me?
Mitchell: Why don’t you give me $500? For the whole lot.
Mitchell: (leans in) Listen, man, I didn’t really want to get into this with you in this here public arena, but Fred-Ex is having a bit of…financial difficulty. You see…
Hackett: Mr. Mitchell…
Mitchell: …I haven’t been working that much lately, and a man in my position needs to keep up certain appearances. So stupid me, I went ahead and bought some things I really couldn’t afford…
Hackett: Mr. Mitchell…
Mitchell: …like a whole bunch of hats, and a brand new plasma t.v. Not to mention my jacuzzi. Man, I don’t know what I was thinking with that one – they shut off my hot water weeks ago…
Hackett: MR. MITCHELL!
Mitchell: What’s up, unc?
Hackett: WOULD YOU PLEASE…leave?
Mitchell: Alright, alright. I dig. No need to ask me twice. (gets up, heads to door) Say, y’all got any job openings here at Peoples?
Hackett: (sighs) What are your qualifications?
Mitchell: (big smile) I got great hands.
Hackett: Send a resume into personnel. We can always use someone to sort mail.
Mitchell: Well, alright! You’ll be hearing from me again, bet on it. (heads into hallway) Still not smilin’, sugar? You gonna make me work for…hey now, what’chu picking up that phone for, girl? Fred-Ex didn’t hear no ring…