(Office of Larry Hackett, Managing Editor, People Magazine.)

Assistant: (on speakerphone) Mr. Hackett?  Your, um, 9:30 is here.

Hackett: Send him in.

(Freddie Mitchell enters office.)


Mitchell: (to assistant in hall) Fine, don’t let me see that beautiful smile.  You keep that to yourself, sugar. (to Hackett)  Hey, how you doing, stretch?

Hackett: May I help you?

Mitchell: Well I certainly hope so, boss man.  Or, more ack-oh-rat-lee, Fred-Ex was hoping that you and he could maybe help each other.

Hackett: I’m sorry…”Fred-Ex”?

Mitchell: (winces) Not a football fan.  I dig.  But that doesn’t mean that you and I can’t do a little business.

Hackett: What brings you here today, Mr…

Mitchell: Mitchell.  But call me Freddie.

Hackett: Okay.  What brings you here today, Freddie?

Mitchell: Let me lay it out for you.  Now, I was lying in my jacuzzi the other day, watching the news – I’ve got a 42-inch plasma in my jacuzzi room – and what do I hear coming out of  Miss Mary Hart’s pretty little mouth?  That Peoples the Magazine has paid $14 million greenbacks for some pictures of Angelina Jolie’s new babies!

Hackett: More or less.

Mitchell: And Fred-Ex thought to himself, if it’s pictures of famous babies that Peoples the Magazine wants, hell, Freddie can get y’all pictures of famous babies.

Hackett: Well, we’re always interested in providing our readers with family photographs of some of their favourite celebrities.  Are you a photographer?

Mitchell: Well I’ll let you be the judge of that, my man.  Here.  I brought you this picture that I took when I was leaving the pharmacy.

(Drops photo on the table.)

Hackett: What…what’s this?

Mitchell: Oh…don’t you know?

Hackett: It looks like a cell phone picture of…Kate Hudson?


Mitchell: Right.  And you know whose baby that is?  The hot old lady from Overboard!

Hackett: Goldie Hawn.

Mitchell: You know it, breeze.  I even checked out her purchases on the way out.  She bought some Tylenol, a bottle of sunscreen, and…(checks list in pocket)and a couple of birthday cards.

Hackett: Mr. Mitchell, this isn’t the type of picture People usually looks for…

Mitchell: Alright, I hear you.  I got others.  Check out this one I took of Mr. Drummond’s kid.


Hackett: That’s Gary Coleman.

Mitchell: If you say so, professor.  But just look at him there, all adorable and whatnot. He’s like a little baby businessman!

Hackett: Gary Coleman is forty years old.

Mitchell: What?  With them tiny little hands?

Hackett: Have you…have you ever read our magazine?

Mitchell: Now let’s not fret over semitics, chief.  I’m here to give you the goods!

Hackett: Mr. Mitchell, I have a very busy day ahead of me…

Mitchell: Alright, alright.  Freddie knows busy.  I’m not here to waste your time.  Those last two was just the icing – this one here is my cake.  Feast your peeps on this – Brad Pitt’s new babies!

(Slams photo down on table.)

Hackett: Mr. Mitchell…

Mitchell: Now does Fred-Ex deliver or does Fred-Ex deliver?

Hackett: Mr. Mitchell, these are the pictures we just purchased.

Mitchell: What?  From who?

Hackett: These are the pictures of Angelina Jolie’s newborn twins that we just bought.  Brad Pitt is the father. 

Mitchell: How about that?  He’s a lucky man!

Hackett: In fact, it looks like these were just torn out of our magazine.

Mitchell: That’s possible.  Was there a copy in your waiting room?

Hackett: Mr. Mitchell, I’ve got another meeting in five minutes.  Thank you for coming in.

Mitchell: $500.

Hackett: Excuse me?

Mitchell: Why don’t you give me $500?  For the whole lot.

Hackett: What?!?

Mitchell: (leans in) Listen, man, I didn’t really want to get into this with you in this here public arena, but Fred-Ex is having a bit of…financial difficulty.  You see…

Hackett: Mr. Mitchell…

Mitchell: …I haven’t been working that much lately, and a man in my position needs to keep up certain appearances.  So stupid me, I went ahead and bought some things I really couldn’t afford…

Hackett: Mr. Mitchell…

Mitchell: …like a whole bunch of hats, and a brand new plasma t.v.  Not to mention my jacuzzi.  Man, I don’t know what I was thinking with that one – they shut off my hot water weeks ago…

Hackett: MR. MITCHELL!

Mitchell: What’s up, unc?

Hackett: WOULD YOU PLEASE…leave?

Mitchell: Alright, alright.  I dig.  No need to ask me twice. (gets up, heads to door)  Say, y’all got any job openings here at Peoples?

Hackett: (sighs) What are your qualifications?

Mitchell: (big smile) I got great hands.

Hackett: Send a resume into personnel.  We can always use someone to sort mail.

Mitchell: Well, alright!  You’ll be hearing from me again, bet on it. (heads into hallway)  Still not smilin’, sugar?  You gonna make me work for…hey now, what’chu picking up that phone for, girl?  Fred-Ex didn’t hear no ring…