By now we are sure you have heard the Dimitri the Lover/Olga telephone message that has been going viral for the past few weeks (transcript here).

We’re proud to say that Dimitri is a Toronto boy with a wonderfully Magnolia-esque website (Want more info? Try here, here, here and here). As Toronto Real Men ourselves, we’re glad that someone is out representing the interests of downtrodden white heterosexual males. What with all of their running everything and making all the money, they’ve sort of been forgotten.

The intensity of the unrequited love in Dimitri’s phone message got us to thinking: who does this remind us of? After several hours of hard drinking, girlish sobbing and furious masturbation stemming from our personal recollections of failed relationships, we masturbated again. Then we turned our attention to the awkward breakup that is tearing apart the state of Wisconsin: Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers. Brett doesn’t want to be retired anymore. Green Bay has moved on. It’s an uncomfortable, no-win situation. We can just imagine what Brett’s phone messages to GM Ted Thompson would be like.

Message 1:

Hey Ted, it’s Brett.

Sorry I had to leave such a rushed message with you when we spoke the other day. I just wanted to quickly tell you my intentions about un-retiring, and needed to get back to you as quick as I could. In any event, I thought I had better leave you a more detailed message and explain why I have approached you. I am a good quarterback. I have no trouble scoring touchdowns; I mean, I score dozens of them each season. But I’m extremely particular about what team I like to play for. You’re the GM of an extremely important team. I’ve looked at other teams, but I can’t take my eyes off yours, and your fellow GMs are very jealous — even if they say they aren’t, they are envious of the fact that I approached you, and I was very taken by you. Good football teams are very rare. I’m a hillbilly and I’m extremely particular about what I like. So I’m giving you an opportunity here. I don’t know if you picked up the message on the weekend but I’m working out for the upcoming season so I’ll be doing that all weekend…

This looks like a land line, and if it is you may not get the message till Monday. But when you do, call me and we’ll get together for beer and painkillers, and let the romance begin again. When we spoke last, you seemed very taken aback by my approach, and I hope that wasn’t timidness, I hope it was just shock at being approached so directly. Because I don’t really play QB for timid teams, because I’m a very direct, very passionate, very assertive man, and I want a GM who is very independent and strong. So… we’ll talk about that, but I just wanted to formally let you know my plans. I leave the ball on your field, so to speak. You call me as soon as you have the courage to. Okay, Ted? Talk to you soon, bye.

Message 2:

Hi there, Ted, it’s Brett calling again, the guy who led the Packers the the Super Bowl, a living legend in Wisconsin, you know. I do hope you remember me.

I left you a message several days ago you said you were interested. Now, here’s the way I work. I don’t like leaving second messages but I like you, you’re the GM of a very important team, it’s very attractive, but, you know, I don’t play that game. I know that Aaron Rodgers is telling you not to return calls; you’re playing games like you see in stupid TV shows. So here’s how it’s gonna work. It is now 4:30 on Wednesday. Now I’ll assume, I’ll assume that you’ve already left work, because, you know, some people leave work early, so I’ll grant you that. But if I don’t receive a phone call back from you by 3 o’clock Thursday afternoon I’m no longer interested and I’m going to erase your number. I don’t play games like that. I’m completely healthy, I’m very intelligent, I’m great in the pocket, I make great decisions. Believe it or not, I’m a complete catch. I’ve only been retired for six months; I had a starting position as QB for years, it’s very tough to maintain it like that but I did it; there’s nothing wrong with me. As a matter of fact I’m one of the few QBs in the NFL that has nothing wrong with him. So I’m giving you the three o’clock deadline. If I don’t hear from you by then, you lose my number — I’m erasing your number right now, so you won’t be hearing back from me. 

So that’s it: three o’clock tomorrow, or you can just completely forget it.

Now I understand if you’ve got other issues, maybe you’re not playing games, I don’t know… maybe you were abused in childhood?…Maybe your mother has cancer, and you’re going to chemo…maybe you’re just a person who’s extremely frightened or has an anxiety disorder, maybe you’re on some medication for that…I don’t know, there could be another issue that I’m not aware of. But nobody says “Call me,” hands a person a business card and then doesn’t return calls. OK, I know you didn’t actually say “Call me”. You said “Good luck in your retirement, Brett.” But I knew what you meant. It’s extremely passive aggressive. You should actually look that up, passive-aggressive personality disorder. You let me know, if you’ve got issues, psychological issues, if you’re on any sort of medication for anxiety or depression, I’m not interested. But if you’re psychologically normal, and you haven’t called me because there’s been some horrible thing that’s happened in your life that’s prevented you from returning my calls, that’s fine. But otherwise? Don’t call me. Release me. Trade me to the Vikings. Do something. Okay, bye.