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Ah yes, the Olympics. One of my favourite quadrennial events, right behind the Leap Year and the Irish Potato Jamboree. Of course, we Canadians view the Summer Olympics as merely the half-time show between Winter Olympicses. Nevertheless, our nation never passes up the opportunity to fail miserably on the world athletic stage, regardless of the season… Apparently scholars have even developed an academic theory to explain the phenomenon known nationally as “another personal best…”.

Dissatisfied with the work carried out in this field to date, the academic think-tank and part-time cat sitting service known as foodcourtlunch.com recently decided to develop a theory of its own as to why Canada “sucks” at the Summer Olypmics. At the outset we canvassed all of the usual theories: an abhorrent lack of governmental funding, a diffuse populace, a dubious policy of state-mandated backbacon consumption for all minors. However, after several weeks (minutes) of intensive brainstorming (3 bottles of Canadian Club and countless Rock Band battles), our team of experts came up with a far more convincing theory – the Summer Olympics is rigged.

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Canadian Olympic Training Camp – trying to catch up to the rest of the world… 

That’s right, rigged. Think about it. Keep thinking. Harder. How in the hell can we Canucks hope to compete in a series of land and water-based competitions that involve no snow, ice  or bacon whatsoever? With 9 months of balls-cold weather, we are left with a mere 12 weeks each year to train. That means that between each Olympic gathering, our athletes have the equivalent of one year of training to pack in what other nations have the luxury of doing in four. Sure, we do what we can to catch up, but the odds are stacked against us. Thankfully, some of us have day jobs to fall back on

So what’s the solution to this systemic injustice? While one option would be for Canada to boycott the Games entirely until the problem is rectified, historical performance suggests that we have already boycotted podium appearances. To boycott the Games themselves would simply deprive our athletes on the opportunity to get jiggy with it in our fresh new Zubaz.

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A second solution would be to petition the IOC to add more spots on the podium (perhaps places 4-11, just to cover all the bases). In the hopes that this suggestion might find favour with the Committee, we took the bold (and hugely unsuccessful) step of tabling the following medal rankings for each competition:

  • Gold (1st)
  • Silver (2nd)
  • Bronze (3rd)
  • Lead (4th) 
  • Lustrium (5th)
  • Aluminum Foil (6th)
  • Fool’s Gold (7th)
  • Rock (8th)
  • Paper (9th)
  • Scissors (10th)
  • Jello (11th)

Surprisingly, the IOC once again showed its bias towards Canadians by rejecting our proposal without even convening a formal vote on the matter. Typical political bullshit.  We then came up with the brilliant idea of adopting the “skill testing question” approach, whereby all competitors would be required to answer a series of trivia questions about any of the following neutral, generic topics before competing: (i) rural Saskatchewan, (ii) toques, (iii) the British North America Act and/or (iv) Bryan Adams.

While we have not heard back from the IOC on this proposal, we are hopeful that common sense will prevail. However, in the event that our pleas once again fall on deaf, prejudiced ears, we have a final solution that we believe has undeniable global appeal. In short, we would propose expanding the field of events to incorporate a less ethnocentric approach to the world of competitive sport. Below are a few suggested events that we believe would level the playing field (greatest pun ever!!):

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1. Seal Clubbing – the rules of the game are simple: club as many seals as possible in 90 seconds. The winner gets a new chesterfield (that’s a couch for you foreigners) and a dinner date with Sir Paul “Busybody” McCartney;

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2. Farming - admittedly not the greatest spectator sport, but it would finally give us a chance to go head-to-head with the Ukraine. As well all know, the Ukraine is weak when it comes to the agrarian sports;

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3. Ball Hockey – oh, that’s right – it can also be played with ballz! At the very least, it would give this kid something to do with his exorbitant amounts of free time. Of course, our Quebecois friends have a competitor of their own to put forward, complete with super chic theme music and “crocs”;

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4. (Megan) Fox Hunting – a departure from the “traditional” fox hunting rules, this competition essentially involves a series of team events aimed at “stalking” Megan Fox (and Lenny & Carl). A cheap ploy to work Megan Fox photos into the blog post? Perhaps…

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5. Beaver Dam Reconstruction – it simply boggles the mind that this is not already an event at the Games. 

We look forward to the incorporation of some or all of these suggestions into the 2008 Olympic Games, and we wish all nations the best of luck. Except France.