Once a year, Canadians take time out of their busy schedules and get together with friends and families to celebrate the anniversary of the confederation of our proud nation.

In the spirit of celebration, here are some helpful facts about Canada of which our American readers might not be aware:

  • Canada first became a nation in 1979 when a group of American pioneers seeking freedom from the tyranny of Xenu settled in a village just outside of Niagara Falls

  • Like the United States of America, Canada has a constitution which sets out the rights of its citizens and delineates governmental powers.  Its preamble establishes the basis for confederacy: “We the people of Canada, are aboot fed up being made fun of by Yankees and such, and so, in order to form a more perfect union, be rid of gun violence, provide for socialized medicine and secure the sanctity of ice-based stick sports, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America Canada”

  • In addition to providing free health care for all Canadians, every Canadian is provided with a punch card that entitles him or her to 20 joints every month, or the equivalent in imported ecstasy tabs

  •  It snows 12 months of the year everywhere in Canada, owing to the fact that Canada is thousands of kilometres further North than the United States

  •  Owing to Canada’s famously lax immigration laws, most Mexicans who illegally cross the border into the United States continue on directly up to Canada for lucrative government jobs
  • Handguns are banned in Canada, except for use at sanctioned ethnic minority cultural events like Caribana

  • There are more Inuit-Canadians that Italian-Canadians
  • The Canadian national anthem was written by Bryan Adams’ great-grandfather, Francois “Grizzly” Adams
  • Contrary to popular belief, the most popular pancake topping in Canada isn’t Maple Syrup.  It’s mustard

  • Famous Canadians include Gordon Lightfoot, Anne Murray and the actor who portrayed ‘Pacey’ on the TV show ‘Dawson’s Creek’

  • While Canada Day is now celebrated on July 1st, it was traditionally celebrated on July 4th so that Canadians could cross the American border and shoplift at will from empty American Stores
  • The Royal Canadian Mounted Police (or “Mounties” as they are often called), patrol on horseback and are thus extremely poorly adapted to law enforcement in urban locales.  As a result, crime runs rampant in Canada’s major cities

  • Canada enjoys a rich military history, playing prominent roles in both WWI and WWII.  However, recent cutbacks have reduced our military presence abroad to a bunch of guys riding around in a pickup truck with a potato gun
  • Typical Canada Day activities include backbacon fry-ups, low-cost prescription drug bakes, and the unique “4th place race” (or, “Personal Best Race”), in which contestants don ice skates and race around the Canadian Parliament buildings to see who can finish in the coveted 4th place position

Food Court Lunch urges all of its readers to join in as we celebrate Canada’s birthday, eh!