If you are like me, you get most of your sports news from poorly-written gossip websites whose writers have absolutely no knowledge of sports. Also, the writers like drawing crudely-rendered pictures of cocks and sperm on pictures of celebrities. I think that “The Sporting News” does this as well, so it’s no big deal. It’s this cutting-edge sourcing that ensures that you, our readers, get the quality of articles from Food Court Lunch that you expect, nay, deserve. Anyway, I was shocked to learn about this dramatic headline on Perez Hilton’s website this morning:
Let’s break this “Stop the Presses!” newsflash down “Fire Joe Morgan” style. No one else seems to be doing that today.
This is just unacceptable!
You would think so, but here we are, passively accepting a borderline insignificant roster move by one of 32 NFL teams. It’s this kind of apathy that make our forefathers weep.
The Eagles wide-receiver, Hank Baskett (you may know him as Kendra Wilkinson’s husband) has been released from the team to make room of for quarterback Michael Vick.
This is strange. Why would Perez Hilton even care about this? His analysis of LT Shawn Andrew’s season-threatening back injury was cursory and glib at best. I much preferred TMZ’s breakdown of Kevin Kolb’s performance in relief of McNabb than Hilton’s half-assed effort. Oh, what’s that again? A reference to Kendra Wilkinson? That globe-breasted former Playmate who may or may not be functionally retarded? Yes, her. Perez is generally all over her vacuous ramblings and mongoloid minutiae. I see. I guess that gives Perez free license to comment on anything even tangentially related to Kendra, including the roster movements of an NFL franchise. Feel free to comment on football, Mr. Hilton. This is obviously in your wheelhouse. I look forward to a follow-up post: “Jeff Garcia Signs With Eagles; His Wife – Large-Breasted Skank?”
You may know him as the disgusting man who started an illegal dog fighting ring.
I also know him as the man who went to federal “pound-in-the-ass” prison for a year, was suspended by the NFL, and had to declare personal bankruptcy. I also know him as the man who was reinstated by the NFL and is allowed to play in the league for any team that wishes to sign him. Wow, he is quite multifaceted. A regular Renaissance man. Kind of like Viggo Mortensen, except involved in dog fighting instead of immigrant smuggling. (Oh, you didn’t know? Viggo has pulled the wool over a lot of people’s eyes).
Who the hell is running this team and what were they thinking?!
Jeff Lurie and Tom Heckert. It’s pretty easy to find this out. I went to Wikipedia to do it. No, they don’t let you draw jizz on the pictures there, Perez. The Eagles were thinking that they needed an additional quarterback on the roster due to the fact that Donovan McNabb went down with a rib injury. Jesus, Perez, it’s in the news everywhere. Vick signed with the Eagles over a month ago. It’s weird that it didn’t concern you that much back then. Then again, Titsy McJiggles wasn’t faced with an unemployed shitty WR husband back then. Baskett was an employed shitty WR husband in August.
This is just wrong!
Could not agree more. It’s an absolute tragedy when a mediocre WR who has caught only 72 passes for 1,052 yards and 6 TDs in 48 career games (that’s three full seasons) is cut. It’s like the My Lai massacre, only with a handsome athletic guy fucking a vapid Playboy model. As I understand, there is a lot of screaming in both those examples.
Hopefully, a better team will scoop Hank up!
Yeah, fuck you, David Tyree. Don’t you be competing with Hank for a roster spot on another team!!! I truly wish more than anything on Earth that Hank Baskett gets added as a fifth WR for a middling NFL franchise. Kendra has tits that need plumping! They need the money!!!
You know what’s been missing from the NHL (other than fans outside of Canada and the northern U.S., a network broadcast on something other than “Versus” or the Outdoor Life Network, and ethnic diversity)? A 5′ 6″, 41 year-old ball of drunken fury trying to make a comeback after his concrete sealing business went under. Well not anymore!!! Welcome back to the NHL, Theo Fluery!
Having successfully made his appeal to the League to lift his “lifetime” (apparently loosely defined) ban for substance abuse, Theo is back in the saddle(dome) for tryouts. With 41 years of substance abuse and rage under his diminutive belt, most pundits are speculating that he will have a huge impact on the NHL. In particular, jersey (and narcotics) sales are expected to skyrocket. Of course, this surprise move has left everyone pondering the same question: What will happen to the Belfast Giants?
Fleury, best known in Canada for being the instigator in the “Punch-up in Piestany” that resulted in the ejection of both Canada and the Soviet Union from the World Juniors in 1987, was for many years the smallest player in the NHL. He was also a tremendous talent. For a while, he was a personal hero of mine, as we share the same stature (and love of booze). He was also my “go-to guy” on NHL 1993 (Sega Genesis).
He then squandered his tremendous talent, and was forced out of the NHL in 2003. In an effort to escape his alcoholism, Fleury moved to Belfast to play hockey. Apparently, Fleury also suffers from horrible judgment… But he’s back!! So get ready to be disappointed, Calgary, as you watch a living legend try to re-live a bygone youth. I am personally still holding out for the Bob Probertcomeback…
The recent rash of celebrity expirations made us realize that life is a fleeting, fragile gift, never to be taken for granted. Naturally, this led us to ponder the question that has baffled mankind since time immemorial: “hey - is Bruno Gerussi still alive?”*
Of course, this made us think that there are a ton of celebrities out there whose continued existence we are unable to definitively verify. Maybe these people are still with us, or maybe they passed away during the five minutes a day that we are not on the internet, forever damning them to some sort of background purgatory inside our own minds.
Presented below are thirteen individuals whose probability of being we would put at 50%. See if you can identify those that still walk among us. No cheating via the Internet, now. You’re on your honour:
…is it just me or do I see the hint of a crackhead smirk in that photo? The hair, dress and make-up say “I’m back and I’m sober”, but the little curl at the right side of her mouth says “man, they have no idea how fucking high I am right now.”
Amy Winehouse is a fantastic singer. Wait, let’s qualify that: Amy Winehouse is a fantastic singer when she is not a crack-addled, drunken disaster. Hmm, maybe that is too qualified — I think that is pretty well par for her course now. She used to be a good singer, at least. However, despite her obvious vocal prowess, she’s not perfect. In fact, one could say that she is a bit unattractive. She has a certain, umm, shall we say, equine quality about her. Let’s not mince words — she has a horse face.
If I had a horse face (and I do not — my face is distinctly llama-esque), I would probably do my best to deflect attention from this flaw. I would wear my hair different, wear distracting jewellery, remove my saddle — all good ideas. What wouldn’t I do? I don’t know. Maybe I wouldn’t get a huge tattoo of a horseshoe on my arm.
Jesus Christ, Amy. You are making it too easy. Do you think Rumer Willis would get a tattoo of Mrs. Potato Head on her arm? Of course not, and yet you believe that this is a good idea? I also like the fact that beneath the phrase “Daddy’s Girl”, there is a naked woman. She is a skin rendering of a Freudian textbook. I couldn’t find a good picture of her other arm tattoos. I assume the pictures of carrots and sugar cubes are on her shoulder blades, along with the phrase “Kisses for Dad” and a picture of a mermaid masturbating.
Hey, guess who forgot to post something today? Probably those jerks over at CNN. I don’t know, I didn’t check. We also forgot to post today… Why, you ask? Is it because we’re lazy? Probably. Is it because we are disorganized? Definitely. Is it because we are unimaginative? Undoubtedly. Is it because we’re sexually inadequate? I am not sure how that really has anything to do with it, so it seems like just an odd thing to bring up.
All of that aside, the real reason for our posting inadequacy is due to our long-standing and debilitating drug addictions. We each have our drug of choice, but the ill effects are the same for each. I spend my spare time in my homegrown poppy fields, Butter will do anything for a vial of crack (anything), Spud mainlines heroin like it’s potato juice, and Blue killed a man because of his relentless passion for European cheeses. The solution? An intervention:
Cruel neuterings and unwanted litters are a thing of the past. Doggie Condoms™ are the safe, affordable and fashionable way to keep your promiscuous pal puppy-and-pus free.
And talk about easy-to-use! The Doggie Condom™ is applied using just three relatively simple steps:
Voila! Now Fido is ready to hit the town!
And did someone say, “accessorize”? We’ve got you covered. Yes, Doggie Condoms™ are available in all of your pooch’s favourite colours.
Like Gray:
Dark Gray:
Super Dark Gray:
And Fuchsia:
And don’t worry - we understand that pooches, like humans, aren’t all equipped the same way. That’s why Doggie Condoms™ come in four different sizes:
Small Medium Large Black Lab
Still not convinced? Don’t take our word for it. Check out these testimonials from just a few of our many satisfied customers:
Dennis Rothcutt, Fort McMurray, Alberta: “My dog’s sexual proclivities had become unmanageable. I was drowning puppies that my neighbours left on my doorstep by the grocery bagful. But now, thanks to Doggie Condoms™, I can safely let Rex out at night, knowing the only things my neighbours will be complaining about are the sounds from his extended lovemaking sessions. Thanks, Doggie Condoms™!”
Clark McMillan, London, Ontario: “The thought of taking Bruno to the vet to get his boys cut off made me nauseous. Plus, I like to smoke, and the mere sight of those things when I’m high causes me to giggle to no end. So when I heard about Doggie Condoms™, it was like a godsend. Heh. Just look at the size of them. I don’t know how they don’t tip him over.”
Marissa Beaujoulais, Montreal, Quebec: “I love how they come in all of these pretty colours. And the flavoured ones sontdelicieux. One request - could you please make some in red? LOL!”
Dog Boy, Timmins, Ontario: “Wish these were around when my parents met.”
***
So what are you waiting for? Put the the “arf” back in “sarfe sex”, and the “style” back in “doggy style” - pick up your Doggie Condoms™ today!*
*Available wherever pet contraceptive products or perverted party novelties are sold.
____________________________________________
Note: Um, I didn’t find this until I started Googling images for this post. But I’ll be damned if I was starting from scratch.
I was going to make this post another edition of Chicken’s Beefs, but I am too stunned to even get angry about the proposed topic. I was in the locker room at my gym this morning (breaking into lockers, covering my body in free shaving cream and masturbating in the steam room — the usual workout) when I saw a gentlemen do something that I have never seen before in my life. He stood naked at the mirror in a common change area. He had apparently just come out of the shower. grabbed the hair dryer that was plugged into the wall, lifted one of his legs, and then proceeded to blow-dry his nutsack. Vigourously.
Who does this? Since when is a towel insufficient for nut-drying? Is this common behaviour? I can’t see this being very pleasurable. Any time I get hot air on my balls, I flash back to the breath of my Scout Leader and my entire day is ruined.
I would just like to be the first to congratulate Pacman Jones on his recent decision to try his hand at CFL football in Winnipeg. Of course, there is a longstanding tradition of felonious NFLers slipping across the border to get their taste of that sweet, sweet CFL cashcow teat. Consider just a few of the illustrious fellows who have made the jump to the CFL in recent years:
Lawrence Phillips:
Cut by the St. Louis Rams for insubordination, Phillips tried his hand at arena football before realizing that his only remaining options were either to play football in Canada or descend into a life of crime. He took both. The talented multitasker was convicted of trying to win a flag football game by running over a bunch of teens (s. 554 of the Criminal Code, if I’m not mistaken), but not before winning a Grey Cup (note to Americans: The Grey Cup is not named after someone important; rather, in true Canadian fashion, ’grey’ is descriptive of the colour of the trophy) with the Alouettes. Currently serving 10 years in a California prison.
Dexter Manley:
Manley was an NFL Pro-Bowler nicknamed “the Secretary of Defence” who had a propensity for delivering sacks. Of crack, that is. Suspended by the NFL 4 times for “controlled substances”, he was banned from the NFL for life in 1991. Ottawa Roughriders owner DMX sensed an opportunity to pick up a skilled playmaker and signed Manley to a contract in 1993. Manley played 2 seasons in Ottawa before the realization that he was playing football in Ottawa forced him off the wagon and into the open arms of cocaine addiction. He served 2 years in prison and now has his own show on F/X.
Ricky Williams:
This former first pick in the NFL draft landed in Toronto after his 4th failed drug test sent him packing from the house of Goodell. Ultimately, Williams could not handle the bright lights of the Toronto and his one-year cameo in the CFL ended with his return to the NFL. Williams is currently a yoga instructor and third-down specialist for the Miami Dolphins.
Andre “Bad Moon” Rison:
Primarily known for being the former husband of deceased R’n'B starlet Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes. Rison was a 5-time Pro-Bowl selection in the NFL before serving time in jail for delinquent child support (lousy mooching bastards!). Rison won a Grey Cup with the Argos but was released the very next season when he had the audacity to question Pinball Clemons’ enthusiasm for life.
O.J. Simpson:
This NFL hall-of-famer surprised criminal authorities when he signed to play for the Edmonton Eskimos less than 20 days after his arraignment on charges of murdering his estranged wife and her love interest. Unfortunately, the stress and time commitments of the “Trial of the Century” and the crippling civil judgment rendered against him limited his usefulness to the Eskimos. Nevertheless he retired from the CFL having established the CFL single season rushing record. Currently serving prison time after totally being set up by some jackass memorabilia collector.
Shoeless Joe Jackson:
Banned for life from baseball after the 1919 Chicago Black Sox scandal, Jackson was signed to take long snaps for the Regina Injuns (a precursor to the Saskatchewan Roughriders). Jackson retired after 8 seasons with the Injuns, establishing several CFL records. But he will forever be known as the man who threw the 1925 Grey Cup for a bottle of Crown Royal and a handjob from a concessionnaire.
So we here at Food Court Lunch wish you all the best in your CFL experience, Pacman. In order to ease your transition into life in Winnipeg, here are some things to keep in mind:
1. In Winnipeg, the term for “Make it Rain!” is “Flood the Dancefloor!”, owing to the city’s propensity to flood every two weeks.
2. Canada has an extradition treaty with the United States
3. You will be making much, much less money in the CFL. Luckily, there is nothing to spend your money on in Winnipeg.
4. In Dallas, you had a billionaire owner. In Winnipeg, you have a Pizza Hut franchisee who collects trains.
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