(Apartment of Allison Mathis, now infamous ex-girlfriend of Chris Bosh and mother of his five-month-old baby. Mathis is putting her baby down in his playpen. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door)

Allison: Just a second! (opens door to find a smiling Jose Calderon) Oh, Jose! What a surprise!

Jose: Oh, hello Allison. I am so sorry for the interrupting. I was just in the neighbourhood, and I thought I would stop in and say hello.

Allison: You were just in Maryland?

Jose: Oh, yes. I come down here quite often for you wonderful…um…birdwatching.

Allison: I see. Well…come on in.

Jose: Oh, thank you.

Allison: Sorry the place is such a mess. Everything’s been crazy around here since little Chris Jr. was born. (gestures to baby in crib)

Jose: (stares at baby coldly) Yes. I can imagine.

Allison: Can I get you something to drink?

Jose: Do you have chocolate milk?

Allison: I can make some.

Jose: Oh, if it is no too much bother.

Allison: Not at all. I’ll be right back.

(Allison walks into the kitchen. Jose immediately runs over to the playpen)

Jose: So we finally meet, eh? You, who are so small in person, but who causes such BIG problems for Jose and his team? Well, I come here to tell you that it is ENOUGH! Your baby games are over! You are to stay away and make no more problems for Chris Bosh! Do you understand? Make a baby noise if you underst…

(Allison returns from the kitchen)

Allison: Here’s your chocolate milk, Jose.

Jose: (startled) Oh! Yes, thank you. (takes sip, smiles) It is just the way Jose likes it.

Allison: You’re welcome, honey. So…I guess some of the guys are pretty mad at me, huh?

Jose: You? Of course not! How could it be such?

Allison: Well, I never wanted for this whole thing with Chris to go public, or be such a big distraction for the team.

Jose: Don’t be silly, Allison. (glances at baby) It is not your fault.

Allison: Well, that’s kind of you to say. (A phone rings in the other room) Excuse me, Jose. I’ll be right back.

Jose: (menacingly) No, it is not your fault….

(Allison walks into kitchen)

Jose: (lunges at baby) …it is THE FAULT OF YOU! You, and the ways of your kind! You have taken away Jose’s chance at the playoffs! Well, now Jose shall take away something you love. (looks around) Give me that laughing Indian doll!

(Grabs doll. The baby starts crying)

Jose: Oh, it makes you sad, does it? Well, now you know how Jose must feel when he cannot play basketball in May, you smelly…(baby grabs and twists Jose’s nose)

Jose: NYAAAHHH! Monstruo! Let go of…

(Allison returns from the kitchen)

Allison: Stupid telemarketers, always calling…hey, what’s wrong, pumpkin? (picks up baby)

Jose: (rubbing nose) It just start crying all of a sudden. I, uh, try to cheer it up by pointing at him with the little red face man, but I guess Jose is no good with babies.

Allison: Don’t be silly, Jose. He’s probably just hungry or something. I’m going to go warm up his bottle. Would you mind holding him for a second?

Jose: Excuse me?

Allison: It’s real easy. Just hold him by the bottom and support his head. (passes baby to Jose)

Jose: Oh! It is so light.

Allison: See, you’re a natural. I’ll be back in a minute. (walks into kitchen)

(Jose and the baby stare at each other)

Jose: Well…look at you. So tiny and round. Like…like a little baby basketball.

(The baby smiles)

Jose: Oh, Jose can no be mad at it! It is too precious! I am sorry, baby, for all the things I say. I hope that we can be friends and…

(Suddenly, a golden stream hits Jose in the eyes)

Jose: GAAAHHHH! The eyes! The eyes with which I see the floor! YOU! You do that on purpose! And after Jose offers you friendship…

(Baby kicks Jose in the groin)

Jose: Dios mio! You feet are like little anvils! Well, two can play at this game! (goes to bite baby on the head, but baby bites down hard on his finger)

Jose: YEAAAGGGHHH!

(Allison returns to room)

Allison: Alright, it’s all ready to…JOSE! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE! (snatches baby from Jose)

Jose: That baby is bad news! It has ruined Jose’s team!

Allison: Are you nuts? He’s FIVE MONTHS OLD!

Jose: It should go to prison for all he has done!

Allison: Alright, look. I’m going to give you five seconds to get out of here, or I’m going to call the police. Do you understand?

Jose: Oh, of course you would take his side! You too are so much alike!

Allison: He’s my SON!

Jose: Yes, like mother, like baby. Do you think Jose forgets how you make us lose to LeBron?

Jose: Jose never forgets!

Allison: Oh, that’s it. Four…three…two…

Jose: Fine. I go. I go. (walks to door) I’m sorry to have bothered you. I just came here to have a word with the baby. I did not mean to lose my cool.

Allison: Goodbye, Jose.

Jose: Goodbye. (glowers at baby) We will meet again.

(Baby raises middle finger)

Jose: Gasp! Demon child!

Allison: OUT! (pushes Jose into hallway and slams door) Odd, odd man.

(Soft knocking at the door)

Allison: WHO IS IT?

Jose: (muffled through door) I forget one thing!

Allison: Leave!

Jose: Please! Just uno momento!

Allison: (sighs) Alright. (opens door slightly) What is it?

Jose: (composes self) I believe you still have my chocolate milk.

_______________________

Top image by deadbeat dad 289.

A critical look at the headlines that shape our world

Nickelback is the Real Deal; Wait - What?

Did you know that there’s a Canadian equivalent of the Grammys?  And did you also know that Nickelback routinely sweeps all of the awards?  These amazing facts and more in our new guidebook, ‘Things That Make Me Ashamed to be Canadian’.

Pakistani Taliban Claim Police Academy Attack: ‘Mahonedinejad!!!!’

Looking back, isn’t strange that of all of the stereotypes chronicled in the Police Academy movies, muslims were spared?  Seems like a bit of an oversight for a series billing itself as ‘the voice of a generation’.

Khmer Rouge Prison Chief Takes Stand: ‘Mistakes Were Made’

“What do you want me to say? That I’m sorry for torturing and killing thousands of innocent prisoners in sadistic rituals?  Okay, I’m sorry.  Now can I please get on with my life? Geez.”

Taliban Chief Vows ‘Amazing’ Attack on Washington ‘Soon’; Fox News is ‘Skeptical’

I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but should relying on the fact that the head of the Taliban is apparently a procrastinator really be our primary defence strategy?

Happy Ending Meal: Pimp Paid Teen Prostitute with Chicken Nuggets

Call me an entrepreneur, but I see an opportunity for this young lady to cut out the middle man.  Or cut the middle man.  Either way, she needs to deal with this ‘pimp’ character.

Brazilian President Says Credit Crisis Caused by ‘White People with Blue Eyes’; Is Apparently Unaware of Worldwide Zionist Banking Cabal

Just because I packaged together mortgages handed out willy-nilly to low-income individuals who couldn’t afford them and then sold and resold them as investment vehicles to institutional investors, now you want to lay the blame on me when those mortgages go into default causing a worldwide credit collapse?  Well excuse me for living.

Russian Fashion Industry in Crisis as Demand for Collarless Dress Shirts Plummets

Well, at least they’ll always have that lucrative figure skating uniform market cornered.

And finally, a short video for those of you who enjoy watching people get startled.  This may or may not be Jack White or Gary Glitter.  Awesome.

Hi China - que pasa?  We here at Food Court Lunch just wanted to congratulate you on your glorious victory at the Women’s Curling Championship. We know how much a victory in women’s curling means to your country. After all, you’ve been playing the sport for nearly 11 months, so you were due for a victory…

And no hard feelings on beating the Canadian team, who were relegated to the ultimate Canadian finish in the tournament (more commonly known as 4th place). It’s not as though Canadians cling to their curling victories like a fat kid to a Big Mac… Seriously, no worries - we’ve got a ton of other things to be proud of: Tim Horton’s, Anne Murray, ice, the seal hunt. Yup, it’s a rich tapestry here in the Great White North. We don’t NEED curling - in fact, maybe we’ll start expanding our interests into other areas. Perhaps we’ll build a giant wall to keep out the Mongolian hordes. And we’ve had our eye on Tibet for quite a while - I think it’s about time we expropriated it as Canadian territory and knocked that Dalai Lama jerkstore down a few pegs… Hell, maybe we’ll even start to manufacture and export lead-based toxic toys for tots! How do you like them (tainted) apples?!

Anyway, China, congrats again on the big victory. If you could just give us the heads up when you decide to devote your endless state resources and Communist determination to dominating hockey or lacrosse, that would be great - we will need a bit of lead time to find another national sport that lacks global appeal (and therefore allows us to lay claim to being the “world’s best”). After all, we have a number of choices, ranging from “knuckle hop” to the dreaded “ear pull” (which is much like the “rear admiral”, only earier).

This is the greatest story ever.

Also, it proves without a shadow of a doubt that the writers of The Simpsons are completely prescient. Note that the story combines The Simpsons’ whacking day episode…

with the Australia episode…

…with a hint of the missionary episode.

This is simply incredible. Wait until I tell the Prime Minister about this!

“Hey, Mr. Prime Minister! Andy!”

We here at Food Court Lunch have a reputation with the ladies. That reputation consists of words such as “awkward”, “uncomfortable”, “handsy” and “disturbingly hirsute”. Still, you can’t deny that we’ve gotten inside the heads of the fairer sex. We know how to please them. They often say to us, “please leave us alone,” and we do. Mission accomplished.

Since you are reading this site, you are obviously unsuccessful with women. Don’t deny it — we’ve done the market research. It came up with two things: 1) our readers are lonely, and 2) our readers would purchase a computer that could be run on the power generated from internet masturbation. This post deals with the first issue. General Tao is working on the second issue in the lab. And by “lab”, I mean he’s masturbating on a park bench. It’s near a Radio Shack, so I am pretty sure the computer thing is going to come together any day now.

The General doing field research

How can you attract the ladies? Easy, my good friends. Other people will tell you things like:

- Be yourself.
- Be funny.
- Pay attention to them.
- Ask questions.
- Make yourself presentable and well-groomed.
- Take them to romantic places.
- Shower them with jewellery and expensive trinkets.

People will tell you all of those things. And those people are fucking idiots (and possibly gay). No, there is only one real way to get the woman of your dreams, and the secret is in the video below.

Remember: plush bear, matching outfit. Sure that’s difficult if you are looking to woo a homeless prostitute, but I am sure that you can find a few rags around the house to dress the bear up. It’s going to work - trust us. It’s not like we have a minority interest in the Vermont Teddy Bear corporation. It’s not like that. Chicks love stuffed animals. It’s like Spanish Fly, only it’s Vermont Bear. You’re welcome.

Do you know what is more interesting than reading comments on a sports blog? Reading an interview with someone who comments on a sports blog! It isn’t? Are you sure about that?

In any event, the fine young gentlemen over at The Rookies were kind enough to ask me a few questions, and I self-indulgent enough to answer them. So do go ahead and read if you desire. Because we’ve run out of Megan Fox pictures. That is, until General Tao gets back from his special “reporting assignment” in Los Angeles.

A fixture of the American teen male’s bedroom wall for decades, the 2009 version of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar is currently on sale.  What are some other sports-related calendar’s that have come and gone over the years?

Many of us here at Food Court Lunch are still distraught over the loss of Megan Fox to the Green Machine, DJ David Silver. Indeed, some of us are suffering from a crisis of faith, wondering what sort of god/gods would allow his/her/their perfect creation to be sullied by “B.A.G.”.

In dark times such as these, the best medicine truly is laughter. Fortunately, Megan is not the only Fox in the sea. To the contrary, as we have recently learned, Fox News can also pleasure you in ways that even Ms. Fox would have difficulty accomplishing. And when you are downtrodden and have lost all hope, it is certainly nice to know that Fox News is always there for you, like that retarded cousin at family reunions, eager to offer up a horrendously tasteless and ill-informed vision of the world which somehow gets passed off as “news”…

For example, take Fox’s recently-aired investigative news piece on the Canadian military, a subject that most American viewers are undoubtedly salivating over. The informed journalistic punditry exhibited by these bastions of news media is matched only by the hilarity of their delivery. I think I smell a Peabody… But don’t take my word for it - let’s go straight to the “experts” on this one:

Hilarious! Because if I know comedy, I am pretty sure the deaths of 116 soldiers killed while providing assistance to the re-buliding of civilian infrastrucure in Afghanistan is fodder for comedic gold. You throw in a little fear-mongering about “fundamentalist hordes” crossing into the U.S. via our porous international border, mix in a healthy dose of xenophobia and McCarthyism, and you have yourself a work of unbridled genius!

Thank you, Fox News, for telling it like it is. I hope you all get gang-raped by a group of drunk Canadian farm boys on your way home from “work” tonight. 

The flags outside the Food Court Lunch head offices (which, unironically, are located in an actual food court) are at half-mast today, and with good reason.  A brief age of hope has come to a tragic end.

In case you’re wondering, yes, that is Megan Fox once again draped on the arm of Brian Austin Green.  The brief interregnum that caused General Tao to wonder if - just maybe - Ms. Fox had dumped her beau because she had read some of his posts on our website is now over.

Don’t bother trying to understand Brian’s svengali-like effect on women.  Just join us as we lower our heads in mourning. 

Be sure to sign our “Stop the Insanity - No to Brian Austin Green!” petition by sending in your comments below.

“Hey, buddy, I am really sorry I killed you with my car. I was a little drunk, and well, you know, shit happens. Hey, buddy. You listening? I am offering my condolences here. You aren’t even making eye contact. You’re just fucking lying there. I am spilling my guts and you won’t even…oh, shit, right. You’re dead. Christ, I must still be drunk.”