As you are probably aware, April is “Celebrate Diversity Month“, a month-long celebration aimed at “opening dialogues that foster an appreciation of the differences that separate us as well as the similarities that unite us.”
Food Court Lunch has been described as a progressive* blog. That’s why we’re kicking off Celebrate Diversity Month (not to be associated with “Celebrex Liability Month“ or “Celebrate Asset Diversity Month“) early with our first annual Food Court Lunch Diversity Quiz. Answer the questions below honestly to get a true picture of your racial and gender tolerance level. We’ll post the results in a future post (or hand them over to the authorities).
Do You Believe in God?
Occasionally
Yes, but not yours
Yes. I am Margaret
No. I am gay.
Mexicans are:
Industrious lawn maintenance experts
Unappreciative of Spanish, and then American, colonization
Stealing jobs that no self-respecting American in their right mind would want; or
Lovingly known as ‘wetbacks’
Pick one of each:
Women Are:
Entitled to equal pay, or deserve the security of a loving family
Still underrepresented in politics, or have shrill voices that anger voters
Objectified in rap videos, or should be happy they’re getting work at all
(Pulls grass stalk from ground, begins chewing it)
For many years, the Calderons have had pigs. So to be around them makes me feel as if I were a boy again, happy and free. Running through the farm, a feed bucket in one hand, bouncing the basketball in the second. It was here I learned to organize. Here I learned to distribute evenly.
Here I learned to lead.
The pig is a very noble animal. Very intelligent. But very obedient. Jose respects them.
And in turn, they respect Jose.
I tell you some things you may not know about pigs.
(Puts hands in pockets, begins slowly walking grounds)
Pigs are more smart than dogs. They will learn their names very quickly. Watch.
Jorge! Jorge, come here!
(An unusually hairy pig runs over. It lies down on its back. Jose rubs its belly)
This is Jorge the Seventh, my favourite pig. He is only three months old, and yet he already knows to come when I call. Good boy, Jorge. Now go and play with you friends.
(Pig squeals excitedly, and runs away)
Pigs can run a mile in seven minutes. Which if you ask me, qualify them to be back-up center in the NBA.
Pigs have sensitive noses. And sensitive souls.
Pigs are very clean. And unlike what people think, they eat at a reasonable pace.
Those are my favourite things about pigs.
Do you want to know what my favourite thing about Canada is?
Believe it or not, blogging for Food Court Lunch is not a full-time occupation. You may have guessed this by our hastily thrown-together, poorly edited and generally incoherent blog posts. You may also have guessed this by figuring out that we are selling our commenters’ e-mail addresses to telemarketers and Nigerians. And Nigerian telemarketers. That subscription to “Lagos Today” magazine that keeps appearing in your mailbox? Our fault. Also, they are not going to abide by your pledge to “Bill Me Later.” They are “Emptying Your Bank Account Now.” Anyway, the staff here at FCL are actually business professionals. Amateur pornographers, but business professionals. In the course of our business dealings, we often meet other business professionals who are ostensibly intelligent, successful and well-educated. This makes it all the more shocking when you have to sit through a conversation like the following:
Professional A - “I am going on holiday next week.”
Professional B - “Really? Where are you going?”
Professional A - “Arizona.”
Professional B - “Wow. Arizona is fantastic. It’s a perfect time to get away from this crappy weather we’ve been having.”
Professional A - “Yes, I know. The thing is, when I go on vacation, I like to go near the water. The desert doesn’t do it for me. I always like to go to the beach, the ocean, somewhere where there is water.”
Professional B - “Are you a Scorpio?”
Professional A - “No, a Cancer.”
Professional B - “I knew it. You are a water sign. I am a Scorpio, so I am a water sign too. I feel the same way. Water signs just have to be near water.”
Professional A - “That’s got to be it.”
Me - (Staring uncomfortably at my lap, trying not to cry and/or bang their two heads together.)
I wish I was a water sign. I’m not, so I guess I don’t like going on holiday near water. Most of my vacations are taken in places like Kansas. I don’t even shower anymore — too watery. If only my world wasn’t governed by the fickle, all-knowing deus ex machina of the horoscope, I would know the delicious feel of moisture on my body. Instead, I am an earth sign. I have to settle for rolling in dirt in a farmer’s field in Topeka. Oh, Astrology, you are a coy and mysterious maiden. If only I knew how to predict the world through random assignments of ubiquitous characteristics in 8% increments. I don’t, so I must worship at your celestial altar.
Oh, it’s on bitches!! It’s time for a little chick curling action, live from beautiful downtown Victoria, British Columbia. That’s right - it’s that time of year again curling fans - the Scot(ties) Tournament of Hearts is back!!! And trust me - the girl-on-girl action is heating up…
Formerly known as the Scott Tournament of Hearts, the re-branded “Scotties” tournament brings together the best in Canadian women’s curling under one snow-capped roof. According to this report, Canada has a perfect record at the tournament this year, followed closely by Alberta, B.C. and Prince Edward Island. Check out all the standings HERE. Check out a compilation of slide injuries HERE.
Admittedly, the success of “Team Canada” at the tournament may be somewhat confusing to the outsider, who might rightly observe that this is a solely Canadian tournament. Said observer might also point out that Alberta, B.C. and Prince Edward Island are provinces within Canada. However, when you are the only nation in the world that plays a particular sport, it becomes difficult to arrange true international competitions… Also, we suck at geography. And math. And music.
I’m confused as to whether this is an actual news item, or simply a commonly-used Google search string. Or maybe it’s what comes up when you search for “Hepatitis Exposure Class Action Lawsuit”.
I’m no statesman, and far be it from me to question the sensibility of the hawks at Fox News, but I can think of a couple of reasons why we might care.
I’m sorry, but any time I get a chance to work in an Anaconda reference, I’m going to take it. Even if it means submitting an obviously-photoshopped news item to a disreputable news source.
I know - the headline’s not that funny. But read the story. Apparently the cops got suspicious that the man might be intoxicated when, “rather than blow into the breath test machine, Roberts tried to suck the air out and then stopped blowing.”
As you might have guessed, the typical Canadian response upon watching your Chihuahua swallowed whole by a coyote is to shrug your shoulders and make some comment about Mother Nature and the circle of life.
I’m not a religious man, but I’d say that getting run over by a Mardi Gras float is a pretty strong indication that the celestial bodies aren’t happy with the life choices you’ve made to date.
1. First, to my darling wife and seventeen beautiful children: I am truly, deeply sorry. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I am asking for it anyway. And I will do everything in my power to make this right, no matter how long it takes.
I’m not going to make up some stupid excuse, like, she dropped the flowers on the ground and I was just picking them up for her, or I was performing street magic, or that she hypnotized me with her hundreds of eyes. At the very least, you deserve the truth.
I also want you to know that what happened was a mistake that I will always regret. I just hope you can find it in your roots, one day, to forgive me.
2. Second: to whoever took this picture and posted it on the Internet, do yourself a favour, and GET A LIFE! I’m not excusing my behaviour, but I would rather get caught doing what I did than be a lowlife who profits on the misery of others. I hope someday someone catches you in a moment of weakness, and it ruins your life, you no-good hut-wrecker!
Sorry if I am being thin-skinned, but people like that really bring me to a boil.
3. Finally: to Michael Phelps, Pat O’Brien, Paris Hilton, Larry Craig, Paul Reubens, Britney Spears, George Michael, Prince Harry, Kate Moss, Fergie, Michael Richards, Elliott Spitzer, Oscar De La Hoya, Marion Berry, Tara Reid, Ashlee Simpson and Marv Albert…I know!
That is all. I thank you for your time, and I am sorry for the pain I have caused.
Congratulations on missing yet another strain of influenza in your concocting of the 2008/9 version of the flu shot.
As a matter of curiosity, after receiving the flu vaccine earlier this season, is there anything that I actually do have immunity from (other than being able to shit and puke in sequence, rather than simultaneously)?
If you’re like me, you love cock. Strong, feisty cock. The kind of cock you can put a saddle on. In fact, the only thing better than one cock is two strong cocks, head-to-head. On most weekends I like to have 60 or 70 of my closest friends over, and we just watch cocks battle it out all day. Hell, we even place wagers on the outcome of the cock rumbles. It’s like Vegas, only with fewer hookers and more aboriginals.
However, I recently learned that “the Man” frowns upon this traditional past-time. In fact, it’s apparently a crime to watch cock for money, as the good folks of East Gwillimbury found out the hard way… I, for one, am astounded. I had no idea that the town of East Gwillimbury (i) existed, and (ii) had 70 people in it. I guess I have always just been too dazzled by the bright lights of West Gwillimbury to even look to my right. I also didn’t know that the Canadian Criminal Code actually made it an offence to “keep a cockpit”. Apparently it does:
447. (1) Every one who builds, makes, maintains or keeps a cockpit on premises that he owns or occupies, or allows a cockpit to be built, made, maintained or kept on such premises is guilty of an offence punishable on summary conviction.
And now you know…
Thank god I always have my bear baiting pit to fall back on…
If you folks didn’t know it already, there are tough times ahead. The financial markets are in tatters, multinational companies are closing offices, stores and facilities across the globe, and the real estate market is in the shitter. Governments are finding themselves between the Scylla and Charybdis of massive deficits and the need for massive spending programs. They are going to have to cut corners. But where? Hospitals? Schools? Social Assistance? The military? Can we really afford all the institutional luxuries to which we have grown accustomed? Something’s got to give, people. Something’s got to give. Luckily, we have a federal government in Canada that is willing to make the tough choices, to cut the fat when it is necessary — and brother, it is necessary. But where can we find the savings? The budget is pretty bare-bones as it is. Most government initiatives are important. Is there any way we can save money? Is there at least one frivolity that can be cancelled? Oh, here’s one: maybe we should cancel the re-enactment of the Battle of the Plains of Abraham. It may not be the wisest fiscal choice in these trying times.
I find it completely astounding that the reason they are giving for cancelling this planned re-enactment is political pressure from Quebec separatists. Here’s another reason it should be cancelled — you were planning to re-enact the Battle of the Plains of Abraham. I would have enjoyed attending the budget meeting when the Live Action Role Playing item came on to the agenda. “It’s $1.5 million for either road repairs or bayonet polish. Guys, this is a tough one — someone’s going to be unhappy.” Do history nerds really have that kind of lobbying pull? I am pretty sure that these guys would re-enact the battle anyway without the use of federal funds. The only difference would be that it would be on a soccer field instead of the actual Plains and it would be followed by a NTN tournament.
Still, it has to be somewhat insulting to the Quebecois to have to suffer with a federally-funded re-enactment of a battle that essentially marked the end of French prominence in British North America. I mean, I used to think these sorts of historical things weren’t that important. I asked my Croatian friend Nik about this point, and he stabbed me in the stomach and called me a “fucking Serb”. I guess it is important to some people. Maybe the National Battlefields Commission can work with other countries on similar re-enactments to see if it is offensive in different parts of the world. I think the Germans are keen for a little re-imagining of the bombing of Dresden. If they aren’t, they lost, so fuck them.
We’ve all been there before, men. You glance down at your Ziggy desk calendar and notice that it’s February 17th - Valentine’s Day was three days ago, and you forgot! No wonder your wife and/or girlfriend tried to stab you in the groin!
Sound familiar? Let’s face it: you’re in big trouble, and you better think fast.
For years, a total Valentine’s Day fumble meant only one thing: a one-way ticket to splitsville. But not any more! After years of clinical research and focus group studies, the product development team at Food Court Lunch has developed the Ultimate Valentine’s Day Gift! One that’s sure to get you back into the good books with the Missus!
What’s this mysterious gift you ask? It’s simple: pornography. But not the pornography you might be accustomed to. No, the sweaty, misogynistic hate sex romps you might have glanced at on scrambled television late at night in your stepfather’s basement are hardly going to impress your lady.
What we’ve done is taken garden-variety smut and addedlavish Victorian romance storylines! Some thing no woman can resist! So you can forget reach-arounds - now it’s “furtive grasps from the rear“! Forget Jenna Jamieson - Think Jane Austen, but with real penetration! “But what about the money shots”, you say? Now, they’re called “denouements“!
Your significant other is guaranteed to be significantly aroused when you bring home one of these lovingly reproduced classics. Just look at a handful of our available titles:
Romeo in Juliet
Ridin’ Prejudice
The Merchant of Penis
The Barber of Sylvia
As You Lick It
Dong Quixote
Lady Chatterly’s Asslover
Great Ejaculations
King Leer
Midsummer’s Night Wet Dream
Jane Eyre’d
The Son Also Rises
Moby Dicks
Catch Her in the Eye
Quivering Heights
Les Miserables Fucks
A Farewell to Forearms
and others
And we didn’t just go and populate these soon-to-be-classics with run of the mill porn actors. No, our films include some of the greatest actors of our time. Just look at some of these names:
Huge Grant
Kate Winslut
Henry Fonda-Bush
Peter O’Tool
Robert Redwood
Sean Poon
Morgan Freeball
Johnny Deep
Liam Kneepads
Richard Drypuss
Gene Gone Wilder
Ava the Gardener
Greta Gargle
Renee Shaftswigger
Sandra Bollocks
And more!
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As a bonus, all those who sign up in the next half hour will receive a complimentary Shamwow!
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