The signs of General Motors’ imminent demise are coming fast and furiously now.  Just as GM puts out a press release announcing the firing of another 5100 salaried employees, another report is released indicating that GM is largely responsible for the historically low sales levels for the worldwide car market.  In fact, things are so bad for General Motors right now that it has begun to put out negative press releases to prepare shareholders for the further negative press releases it plans to release in the future.

Crippled under the weight of financial obligations to its rapidly aging workforce, and saddled with aging designs and inefficient cars, GM is dying quickly, and everybody knows it.

But how could this happen? How could a company that once held more than 50% of the North American car market be on the brink of insolvency?  Why weren’t there any signs of the doom that lies ahead for this once-proud giant?  Why didn’t anyone at GM sound the alarm?  The questions are many.

However, the investigative journalists of Food Court Lunch have recently discovered secret internal documents which unequivocably show that a very specialized group of employees within GM tried for years to warn the public about the demise of GM.  Now, in an exclusive report, Food Court Lunch reveals that, indeed, the “Car Naming Team” within GM tried desperately to warn consumers about substandard GM products the only way they knew how: by giving the cars ironic and otherwise inappropriate names.  Below is a list of the top eight examples of how GM engineers tried to warn us to stay away.

Was GM Trying to Warn Us?

8.     The Chevrolet Corsica

Let’s get the obvious out of the way.  This was a shitty, nondescript car.  The kind of car you’d expect to see in the background in a T.J. Hooker episode.  But let’s think about what GM was trying to tell us in naming this car after a notoriously corrupt island of separatists off France: “Hi! I’m fiery and unreliable! If it suits my fancy, I may decide to ignore your authority as driver.  Please excuse me while I bomb this government building.”  We should have seen the signs.

Irony Meter: 1 Alanis

7.     GMC Acadia

This midsize SUV got positive reviews upon its release, but the hidden message in its name tells the true story.  By choosing to name this truck after a group of French loyalists forced out of Canada’s maritime provinces by the British in the 1700s, GM sends the clear message that this SUV is the last hurrah for a once-proud company.  And just as the Acadians were forced to re-settle in the fetid swamps of Louisiana, the GMC Acadian is likely to end up in your backyard on blocks - your very own ‘Cajun’.

 Irony Meter:     2 Alanises

6.     Chevrolet Celebrity

A horrible joke at the expense of the poor saps who bought these pieces of shit.  You’re not likely to see a red carpet running from the open door of a Chevy Celebrity.  In fact, you’re more likely to see Big Mac crumbs balanced precariously within the chest hair of the shirtless man who egresses from this marvel of engineering at the premiere of “Weapons of Ass Destruction 5 - Mission Accumplished”.

 Irony Meter:     3 Alanises

5.     Pontiac Trans Sport

Envisioned as a “sporty” minivan, the Trans Sport was anything but.  The engineers knew this, and tried to warn us about spotty transmission problems by placing a subliminal stutter right in the middle of the word ‘Transport’. 

 Irony Meter: 3 Alanises

4.     Pontiac Aztek

They might as well have named it “The Pontiac Pompeii”, or “The GMC Atlantis”.  Either way, the message is clear: you must avenge my death.  One can only imagine how this beatiful, beautiful machine would have fared were it not saddled with such a forboding moniker.

 Irony Meter:     4 Alanises

3.     Pontiac Grand Am

You might think “Grand Am” - or as it translates in English, “Large Am” - was meant to make you think of classic race cars or the dashing good looks of James Garner in “Grand Prix”.  In actuality, “Grand Am” was meant to make you think of a disgusting French amateur porn site.

Irony Meter:     4 Alanises

2.     Chevy Nova

As the story goes, this little number was plagued by vapour lock, which explains the decision to give it the name “Doesn’t Go” in Spanish (no va).

Irony Meter: 4 Alanises

1.     Tie: Chevy Cavalier, Chevy Caprice

So you’re a GM engineer.  You’ve built a car that, while cheap, can best be described as ‘inoffensively shitty’.  With what name do you christen this vessel?  Well, you need something that conveys the careless and aloof manner in which the car was designed and executed.  The answer is clear: you call it the Cavalier.

Not to be outdone, you’ve slapped together the parts left over from the age of the land yacht station wagons to create a luxo-barge without any of that stuffy ‘luxury’.  You want a name that clearly identifies how this car defines your corporate disregard for the customer.  What’s the right word? ‘Caprice‘.  As in, ‘As a Senior Executive of a major automotive company, I naturally have capricious disregard for the safety of you and your passengers”.  Perfect.

Irony Meter: 5 Alanises

As you can see, GM has been trying to warn us about its demise for years.  Only now, with the right perspective, are we able to see just how close to the end we are.

Well, folks, we knew this day would come. While many pundits heralded the end of the East Coast / West Coast hip hop rivalry with the tragic passing of Biggie and 2Pac, the more skeptical among us knew that we had only seen the beginning of the senseless coastal feuding. For while tempers have cooled south of the border, the Canadian music scene has been a raging torrent waiting to explode…

The West Coast posse, led by musical bad boys Spirit of the West (the self-proclaimed Snoop Doggs of Canada), has been fuelling the fires for years with their hate-filled lyrics aimed at their East Coast rivals throughout the Maritimes. In a video released late last week, the band called out the so-called “East Siders” in a vicious attack that will undoubtedly have tragic, albeit rhythmic, consequences. Food Court Lunch managed to get its tiny hands on a copy of the vitriolic videogram (which should not be viewed by minors or people operating heavy machinery):

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Never ones to back down from a fight or a drunk cousin, the members of the East Coast folk music scene have recently responded in kind with a volley of scathing fiddle music that has (gently) rocked the entire nation. Yesterday Newfoundland’s Great Big Sea issued a bounty for the (metaphorical) head of any folk musician performing west of the Rockies. Making matters worse, Stan “Big Poppa” Rogers and his dreaded privateers are reported to be preparing for open (musical) warfare with their West Coast rivals. Once again, Food Court Lunch offers you an inside look at the seedy underbelly of the Canadian folk music scene:

In a last ditch effort to stave off the violence, representatives from both sides of the rivalry recently met in Moosejaw, Saskatchewan (neutral ground) in the hopes of brokering some form of peace. However, recently released footage from the precarious peace talks indicates that it may be too late to avert an all-out (fiddle) war. Even the great Professor Pickles, a known agitator in the ongoing rivalry, has confessed that he is not optimistic that some manner of resolution can be reached:  

All we can do at this stage is pray (and gently tap our feet to the soothing sounds of the impending gang war).

TORONTO - Darryl Onucki of Toronto, Ontario, remains the only person in the world yet to see box office super-smash The Dark Knight.  Despite having regular working hours and not having a girlfriend at the moment, Onucki, 28, has claimed on more than one occasion that he “just hasn’t gotten around” to seeing what many are calling the greatest superhero movie ever made.

“I’ll get to it,” says Onucki.  “It’s just that there are a lot of other things out right now that I’d like to see first.”  When asked what those could possibly be, Onucki replied, “well, the new Hellboy looks pretty cool.  And I still haven’t seen Hancock.”  When asked if he was serious, Onucki replied smugly that, “believe it or not, movies existed before The Dark Knight.”

Onucki: too cool for school.

The second entry in the recently revived Batman franchise, which stars Christian Bale and the late Heath Ledger, has already grossed over $300 million in just its first two weeks of release.  The blockbuster hit is on its way to becoming one of the highest, if not the highest, grossing movies of all time.  Experts attribute these extraordinary numbers to thousands of moviegoers who are seeing the film more than once.  These repeated viewings are facilitated by caring, decent friends, willing to go and see a movie which they still haven’t seen even though it’s amazing with buddies who want to see it for a third time, but are self-conscious about going to movies alone.

A friend estimates that Onucki has already spent over $300 at the movies in 2008 alone, including such garbage as Meet The Spartans, The Spiderwick Chronicles, What Happens in Vegas… and, I’m not even kidding, How She Move.  It is widely believed that Onucki’s refusal to see The Dark Knight is a childish form of payback for that same friend’s refusal to give him one of his extra Toronto FC tickets over two months ago.  Responding to claims that he is only hurting himself, Onucki nasally stated that, “certain people need to get over themselves.”

Onucki has already unbelievably announced plans to see Swing Vote on opening weekend.  Swing Vote is the ridiculous story of one man who, because of some kind of glitch in a voting booth, has the power to decide the U.S. Presidential election but stubbornly refuses to announce who he will vote for.  In addition to starring box office poison Kevin Costner, the film is widely believed to be the loose inspiration for at least one lame excuse for a blog post.

Nice work. Your exceptional programming never ceases to impress. I am particularly fond of your re-broadcasting of classic golf tournaments from the late 1970s, when the likes of Skippy Johnson and Colin “Crazy Legs” McGee roamed the links. If there is anything better than re-broadcasted all-day sporting events, I certainly haven’t found it. Sure, everyone knows the outcome in advance and thus the event is devoid of any entertainment value whatsoever, but what a way to kill a couple of spare days!

That said, Golf Channel, I do have a few suggestions on ways to improve your programming. First of all, I would strongly urge you to broadcast live golf events. I know that involves thinking slightly outside of the box, but I really believe that your 17 viewers would appreciate the change. If you think about it, live golf just makes sense - you are, after all, the golf channel. A little golf might be a good idea. And, at the risk of pushing the envelope even further, might I suggest selecting professional golf events as the focus of your live broadcasts. Just a thought.

Now I know that you’re going to complain that you’re precluded from covering most of the majors because of existing contractual agreements with CBS, ABC, The Food Network and other more influential networks. That is indeed a pickle. One would have thought that you might have looked into such hurdles before deciding to launch an entire network devoted to the sport of golf, but such is life. At least you have managed to carve out a nice niche covering the first 2 days of (some of) the major tournaments - or as they’re known in the industry, the “Shit Rounds”. Way to shoot for the stars, GC!

Nevertheless, even if we acknowledge your contractual impediments, it still strikes me that you have given up entirely on your program selection. Take this past weekend’s broadcast schedule, for example. A large, frozen wasteland known as Canada hosted its annual PGA event (The Canadian Open), where the likes of Anthony Kim, Jim Furyk, Mark Calcavecchia and Mike Weir (the pride of a nation) battled it out on the course. Due to the event’s limited appeal south of the tundra, CBS opted to broadcast only a limited portion of the afternoon rounds on Saturday and Sunday. Though I was initially disheartened to discover this, I took great comfort in the knowledge that there was an entire network devoted exclusively to golf…

However, upon reviewing your broadcast schedule for the weekend, I confess that I was somewhat less than impressed by your programming choices. On Saturday, for example, you started your day with coverage of the 2008 Russian Open. Not exactly a star-studded affair, but I suppose it involved professionals (of sorts) playing golf. That’s a start. This was followed closely by a series of “Product Showcases” (which is apparently code for televised ass kabobs), and then right into the coveted 2008 (LPGA) Evian Masters. While I think we can all agree that the women’s golf is a tremendous spectator sport, I am not sure that it was the correct choice. Of course, you somehow managed to top off the day with repeat broadcasts of the 2008 Nationwide Children’s Invitational. Beauty. I can’t believe it has already been a full year since we witnessed the fast-paced action of the 2007 Nationwide Children’s Invitational. In any event, someone apparently really liked the looks of Saturday’s schedule, because they ran it again on Sunday. Nice.

Final Round at the 2008 Evian Masters

Anyway, I hope you find these suggestions on ways to tweak your otherwise phenomenal programming of some assistance. I look forward to your scheduled broadcast of “Caddyshack 2″ later this week - brilliant!!

A critical look at the headlines that shape our world

WNBA Suspends 10 Players, Mahorn over Fight: ‘It’s Time to Get Back to the Lay-ups’

So let me get this straight - There’s a women’s professional basketball league? And Rick Mahorn is somehow involved?

Judge Renames Girl, Grants Pony in Lieu of Costs

Okay, I can understand how a name like “Talula Does the Hula from Hawaii” might limit your opportunities in life.  But ‘Yeah Detroit’? That would be awesome!  Except for after Detroit Lions’ games, when the fans would kick the shit out of you while demanding that Matt Millen be fired.

Texans Assess Dolly’s Damage: ‘Multiple Bra-Strap Stress Fractures’

Authorities warn that Hurricane Pamela may be just around the corner. [Sorry, hurrican victims, but it’s Friday and I’m just not in the mood to think of something funny.]

Iraq Banned from Summer Olympics; Could Ban from WWE be next?

Say what you will about Uday and Qusay, but at least they never missed the deadline to enter their tortured athletes into the Olympics.

Grandma Accused of Hiring Hitman, Botching Apple Crisp

Stories about murderous grandmothers always make me sad that my grandmother wasn’t more exciting.  All she did knit sweaters and blurt out difficult-to-understand racial epithets.

Brooke Hogan Makes Public Apology: ‘My Parents Should Have Considered Birth Control’

I think the Hogan family might want to consider a temporary moratorium on the whole “public statements” thing.

Rapper 50 Cent Sues Taco Bell in Value-Menu Semantics Battle

Even money on whether 50 Cent’s lawyer simply used “Fitty” as a defined term in his written court submissions.

Quick Hits:

A Warm Welcome in Paris = A Cold Night at the STD Clinic 

Lower Kids Cholesterol the Old Fashioned Way: Beat it Out of Them

Ex-Con Gets Life for Gruesome 19-Hour Rape; Fox News Gets -1 for Gruesome Headline

Perdita Joins CBC Olympic Team, Promptly Knocks Over Ron McLean

Gays in Iraq Terrorized by Threats, Rape, Murder, Terrorists

That slight twitching you feel in your betting muscles?  That’s your body’s way of telling you the NFL season is just over two months away.  But looking two months ahead is so two months ago - it’s time to start thinking Super Bowl, baby!  Recent odds have the Pats as 5/2 favourites to go to Tampa and win it all.  The Cowboys are next at 9/2, followed by the Colts (6/1), then the Jags (10/1), Giants (10/1) and Chargers (10/1).

And while betting on the Super Bowl winner in July is a fun form of speculation, we were disappointed that we couldn’t find odds for the other big question surrounding Super Sunday - namely, who is going to play at halftime?  So we went ahead and created our own.

"We were okay, but Prince's devil wang is a tough act to follow." - Tom Petty quote (probably)

A few preliminary notes:

1) No act has played halftime more than once; consequently, there are no odds listed for would-be repeat performers.  Apologies to fans of Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.

2) Our research turned up a startling statistic: in the last century, Florida, the host state, has produced exactly 0 quality bands/musicians. Unless you count Iron & Wine.  And the only halftime show ol’ Sam Beam will be playing is halftime of the World Frolf Championships.

Here we go, worst odds to best:

Madonna: 150 to 1

Pros: As proven by her performance at LiveEarth 2007 (and countless orgies), A-Rod’s mistress can still put on a helluva show for a big crowd.  
Cons: With the final chapter in the Janet Jackson saga only recently written, is America really ready for a “Labiagate”?

Jay-Z: 100 to 1

Pros: Rap’s living legend is at the perfect stage of his career to finally introduce the NFL to the most popular musical genre in North America (Queen Latifah’s 1998 cameo doesn’t count).
Cons: Given their recent crackdown on gang signs, the hyper-image-conscious No Fun League will likely shy away from the unapologetic former hustla. 

R.E.M: 50 to 1

Pros: Old.  Good.  Big.
Cons: Despite tens of millions of album sales and numerous hits, they are probably still considered too “alternative” for halftime.  Also, there is the risk that international viewers will confuse Michael Stipe with Moby and change the channel.

Carlos Santana: 35 to 1

Pros: Guitar legend; moustache; possibly related to Tito.
Cons: Still has the stink of Chad Kroeger and Rob Thomas on him.  Not even tomato juice gets that out.

David Bowie: 30 to 1

Pros: Would fit nicely with the recent trend of “Super-Bowl-Halftime-Shows-as-Lifetime-Achievement-Awards-for-Outstanding-Achievements-in-the-Field-of-Excellence” (see Petty, Tom, McCartney, Paul, Stones, Rolling and 2, U).
Cons: See R.E.M (sans Moby-confusion issue).  And, just for fun, “see his pug-nosed face…”

The Eagles: 15 to 1

Pros: Although terrible, there is the matter of them having the greatest selling album of all time.  Also, they recently released their (shudder) first new material in almost three decades.
Cons: Damn.  It’s going to be The Eagles, isn’t it? 

The Police: 12 to 1

Pros: Recent reunion gives superstar band some momentum; safe choice.
Cons: Given the last fifteen years of Sting’s musical output, he is dangerously close to being remembered as much for his lengthy sessions of old man sex as he is for his musical genius.

Red Hot Chili Peppers: 8 to 1

Pros: Old enough to have a multi-generational fanbase; young enough to convince the NFL they are being hip.
Cons: Currently on a self-imposed hiatus (although a Super Bowl slot might be just the thing to draw them out of it).

Bon Jovi: 7 to 1

Pros: Let’s not kid around - Bon Jovi’s entire career has been a cleverly marketed and flawlessly executed effort to secure a slot in the Super Bowl halftime show.
Cons: No way they should be the Jersey act rocking that stage.  

AC/DC:  7 to 1

Pros: Of everyone on this list, would likely be the overwhelming choice of hardcore football fans (with the exception of the next guy).
Cons: Of everyone on this list, would likely be the overwhelming choice of hardcore football fans.  Also, despite topping numerous “fan request” lists for inclusion in the Guitar Hero and Rock Band games, they have only recently agreed to licence one of their songs for the upcoming Rock Band II.  And that song is ”Let There Be Rock”.  Now it’s a good song, but even crazy old Axl had the decency to licence “Sweet Child O’ Mine” and “Welcome to the Jungle” instead of “Coma”.  For that, karma will punish them.

Bruce Springsteen: 4 to 1

Pros: Would give the greatest performance in Super Bowl history.
Cons: Just seems like the natural choice.  So much so that you can’t help but think he’s been asked to do it every year, and the conversation has always gone something like this:

NFL: Come on, Bruce, please play the Super Bowl?
Boss: No dice.
NFL: But why?
Boss: Because I’m awesome.

***

So who’s your best bet?

Beyoncé: 3 to 1

Pros: Apparently has a new album coming out at the end of 2008; is Beyoncé.
Cons: Not many.  If not this year, pencil her in for one of the next three.  That is, unless she and H.O.V.A. go Scientologist on us.  Odds on that: even.

You know those days when 2 of your “friends” take vacation in the same week, leaving just you and an Irishman with the daunting task of running your hastily thrown together blog in their absence? Sure you do - it’s the same old story.

Fortunately, God (with a little help from Chad Hurley, Steve Chen and Jawed Karim) created YouTube, an uninspired blogger’s paradise. All you need is a theme (such as “Announcers”), and you have yourself a multimedia experience that you can pass off as your own. Of course, in order to pretend like you have contributed something to the end product, you have to come up with a clever quip to introduce each clip. Without that, your “readers” couldn’t possibly enjoy the video clips that you have helpfully compiled for their viewing pleasure… Just be sure that, above all else, the introductory commentary is relevant to the clip.

Tennis, anyone?

Let’s not forget that a commentator’s life is not without peril. I think we will all remember the day when the Italian announcer was tragically shot during his broadcast (apparently by someone named “Grosso”):

Winner of the “Worst Impression of a Twelve Year-Old Girl Who Works At Customs” goes to:

Apparently in Japan, in order to save on salaries, they simply mic the contenders in the ring:

Of course, commentators also do their best to bring a little social enlightenment to the table:

Often times this will include lessons in race relations:
(more…)

I think we can all agree that there just aren’t enough professional sports that incorporate dairy products into the game. I know this is a familiar refrain, but it’s a failing that continues to plague the sports world without redress. Certainly there are a few exceptions, most notably the milk luge and sour cream wrestling. Nonetheless, there simply has never been a sport that has pitted Man against dairy in a battle of strength and wits. A competition of pure, unadulterated athleticism involving a brick of cheese, a hill and some drunken louts with too much time on their hands.

Well, friends, I am pleased to announce that the wait is finally over - cheese rolling has arrived!! That’s right - cheese rolling!! Where the stakes are high (aged cheddar for the victor, 10 pounds for 2nd place) and the cheese is rolling. Downhill. In the rain.

When I was first introduced to this sport of champions, I will admit that I had my doubts. Like most, I assumed it was simply another XFL: a hastily conceived event in which the competitors were in it only for the cheese (except for the lactose intolerant competitors, who were in it solely for revenge). However, once I saw the glory unfold on the field of battle (Cooper’s Hill in Gloucester, England), I immediately recognized cheese rolling for the masterpiece that it is.

The rules are simple - a “guest roller” rolls a round of Double Gloucester cheese down a steep grade. One second later, the throngs of “athletes” perched atop the hill plunge head-long in pursuit of the elusive cheese. The winner takes home the cheese, the losers hang their heads in dairy-soaked shame. Injuries and groupies (”cheese bunnies”) abound, and the fans are passionate. It’s much like the NFL, without the HGH.

Is cheese rolling destined to become the darling of North American sports fans, eclipsing the baseballs, footballs and lawn darts of today? Yes. Yes it is. Conservatively, I predict that it will be the most televised sport by the end of August, 2008. A bold prediction? Perhaps. But I dare you to feast your eyes on this and disagree:

(Last Friday.  Dressing room of Canadian National Men’s Basketball team.  Minutes after 83-62 loss to Croatia, which eliminated the team from Olympic competition.)

Coach Leo Rautins: Alright boys, gather round.  Let’s go now, take a knee.

(Team gathers round.)

Rautins: I know you all must be very disappointed right now, but you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.  No question, we got our butts handed to us today.  This whole tournament, in fact.  Never really had a shot.

Team: (hang heads) 

Rautins: But I’m still proud of you guys for what you showed out there.  Sure, we didn’t have Steve Nash and Jamaal Magloire, who were too busy counting their fat American paycheques.  And maybe I overreacted a bit when I kicked Samuel Dalembert off the team for sneezing during a huddle.  But you never complained, you never gave up.  And most importantly, when your country needed you, you heeded the call.  For that, I want you to give yourselves a hand.

Team: (light applause)

Rautins: Now, the “media” seems to think this is the last game I will ever coach for Canada, and maybe they’re right.  Maybe I am the wrong guy to lead this team…

Team: (silence)

Rautins: …but I don’t want you guys worrying about Ol’ Coach Leo.  I’ll be fine.

Team: (silence)

Rautins: What I do want to do, though, is call each of you up here individually to thank you for the time, energy and heart you put into representing your country.  I am proud of the team we have assembled, and I think Canadian men’s basketball is back on the path towards international respectability.  So let’s start with the heart and soul of the team, Rowan Barrett.

Barrett: Hey, coach.

Rautins: We’ve been through some times, haven’t we?

Barrett: Sure have, coach.

Rautins: Here’s to ten more years of you in a Canadian jersey, Rowan.  Joel Anthony!  Come up here, big guy.

Anthony: Hey, coach.

Rautins: I’m expecting big things from you down in Miami this year, son.

Anthony: Thanks, coach.

Rautins: Eli Pasquale!

Pasquale: Right here, Leo.

Rautins: You know this guy helped us beat the U.S. in 1983 when they had Barkley and Malone?  Hey Eli, where was that magic this week?  Just kidding, Cap’n, thanks for everything.

Pasquale: Good luck to you, Leo.

Rautins: You’re a national treasure.  Same goes for Bill Wennington!

Wennington: (limping slowly) Hey, Leo.

Rautins: Big Bill, bringing that championship experience!  Two bum knees, but he still gave us 30 minutes a game.

Wennington: (collapses to ground)

Rautins: Where’s Master T?

Master T: Right here.

Rautins: My man at the point.  You stay in shape, you hear?

Master T: Always, coach. 

Rautins: Recently criminally charged lead singer of the Barenaked Ladies Steven Page!

Page: I’m right here, coach.  And, about that nickname…?

Rautins: Thanks for everything, recently criminally charged lead singer of the Barenaked Ladies Steven Page.  We all hope you get the help you need.  Raffi?  Get up here, Raff.

Raffi: (hugs Rautins)

Rautins: Keep working on those free throws, Raffi.  Casey and Finnigan!  Get your puppety asses up here!

Casey: (head hung low) Sorry I let you down, coach.

Rautins: You kidding me, Casey?  You were our glue guy!

Casey: (eyes darting) Uh, yeah.  Right.  “Guy”.

Rautins: Last but not least -  The Littlest Hobo.  Here boy!  Here boy!

Littlest Hobo: (trots up)

Rautins: If I had ten guys that played defence like you, we’d all be wearing gold medals come August.

Littlest Hobo: (turns face away, waves paw dismissively)

Rautins: You guys are gonna give teams fits in 2012 in London, with or without me.  Now (choking up)…now get out of here, you no-quittin’ sons of bitches!

(Team leaves.)

Rautins: (wipes eyes) Alright, Leo.  Back to work. (dials number)  Hello, operator?  Give me the number for Bruno Gerussi.  He what?  When?  13 years ago?  Alright, give me the number of the guy who played Relic…

The fast-paced world of (2-wheeled) cycling was rocked again yesterday by the shocking news that Riccardo Ricco, supposedly of Italy, had tested positive for doping and was accordingly ejected from the 2008 Tour de France. Ricco’s ejection from the race marks the third drug-related scandal thus far in the 2008 competition, which is only in its 12th stage. 

Like most people, I was shocked that the Tour de France (which loosely translates to ‘Tour of France’) was still being run. I was even more shocked that others were “shocked” by the drug scandal. That’s like being surprised by the fact that Celine Dion’s new album isn’t really all that good. I am personally more impressed that 195 racers have NOT been caught for doping - those are some impressive odds! Kudos to the medical community for its yeoman’s work in the field of “masking”.  

For those not familiar with the Tour de France, it is an annual wine tasting bike tour that I believe runs from Paris to Dakar. The riders compete in a series of stages (which I understand are largely comprised of drinking competitions), all while paying homage to the fashions of the 1980s (specifically, neon spandex). Lance Armstrong is by the far the most renowned competitor in the event’s storied history, although his accomplishments have been marred of late by news that he is a giant douche.

In the event that you have missed the 2008 competition thus far, we offer you a brief video recap of all the action to date:

Unfortunately, the lone Canadian in this year’s event had to leave the race after the 4th stage as a result of an injury sustained while trying to catch up to the rest of the pack: