Whilst recently watching what may or may not have been WWE Raw (I was only watching because I am a fan of indoor fireworks, okay?), I came upon the trailer for the upcoming Hellboy II: The Golden Army.  By this point I expect Guillermo del Toro movies to look pretty surreal and creepy, but even still I found two characters, only briefly presented, particularly difficult to shake.  I have since identified them as Prince Nuada and Princess Nuala, pictured above.  Between Pan’s Labyrinth and the original Hellboy, del Toro has come up with some pretty gruesome creatures, but for some reason it was these two that I dreamt about that night.

It’s like I knew them from somewhere.

Like they had previously haunted me, scarred my fragile psyche, almost certainly in childhood.

Like they were demons hidden in a repressed memory, hastily stored away in the deepest recesses of my mind, crudely caged but ready to escape with even the slightest….

…oh.  Oh, I remember now.  My…my God…no…

(shudder)  Nelson.  We meet again.

Oh, Guillermo.  Must you mine so freely from the depths of my nightmares?  What’s next?  The Two-Headed Beast of Vanillor?

Ugh.  Looks like it’s Crown Royal and Gravol again for me tonight.

Transportation Security Administration, a division of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, is looking for a few good men and women to join the “43,000 security officers, inspectors, directors, air marshals and managers who protect the nation’s transportation systems so you and your family can travel safely” (or so says our self-indulgent website). 

Are you looking for a challenge? Do you enjoy acting like an overbearing douche who escalates any and all human interaction to the level of “national security”? Did you enjoy the movie “National Security”, starring Sir Martin Lawrence? Are you underqualified to be a police officer, mall security guard, night watchman, crossing guard or parking attendant, but still want to carry a gun and intimidate your fellow Man? Well, join the team! 

Qualifications:

• Education - must hold no higher than a high school equivalency certificate
• Language Skills - none
• Communication / “People” Skills - abusive
• Experience - prior involvement in an abusive relationship (as the abusing party) is preferred. Experience in the following fields will also be considered an asset: domineering high school football coach, Hitler understudy, professional asshole, volunteer asshole, Russell Crowe. 
• Physical Requirements - (i) ugly, (ii) pug ugly, (iii) fugly or (iv) pug fugly. Ideally, you should look like this:

         Your should NOT look like this:

Job Description:

The TSA takes pride in its unflinching refusal to listen to reason and passengers alike, and will not tolerate any deviation from this systematic promotion of obstinance and arrogance (or, as it is referred to in the TSA Manual, “obstingance”). This is not your grandmother’s airport security, people. We are in a war, and it is our responsibility to incessantly remind people of this fact (ideally while reminding them to remove their potentially life-threatening sandals).
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 John Heyman of Sports Illustrated reported on si.com today that the Seattle Mariners may be trying to move Ichiro Suzuki as part of Seattle’s ongoing efforts to shake up its flagging team.  Interestingly, Heyman also reported that while Suzuki is widely regarded as a consummate team player, he may have in fact “hastened” manager Mike Hargrove’s sudden “retirement” from the team last year.

But that’s not even the most titillating tidbit in Heyman’s article.  No, what caught my eye was the fact that Hargrove now manages for a semi-pro team operating out of the metropolis of Liberal, Kansas.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Liberal BeeJays!

Word is the fans in Liberal go wild for their Beejays.  And in return, the fans get showered with love from the players.  Except for outfielder Clint Stubbs. He’s basically been impotent at the plate, hitting a meagre .204.

 The Beejays are truly a fan-friendly team.  Why, for you aspiring hardcore pornography photographers, the Beejays are even running a snapshot contest.

Oh, minor league baseball.  We thank you for your continued willingness to offer up ridiculously headline- and punchline-friendly team names.  Speaking of punchlines, here’s your chance, readers (we do still have readers, right?)

Hargrove was heard to implore the batter to “choke up on that thing”

(Air Canada Centre locker room.  Next October.  Chris Bosh sits at locker.  Jermaine O’Neal enters.) 

Chris Bosh: Jermaine!

Jermaine O’Neal: Chris!  How you doin’, brah?

Bosh: Great, now that you’re here.  Welcome to T.O.!

O’Neal: Glad to be here, man.  Say, anything special I should know about playing in Canada?

Bosh: Couple things.  First, they don’t have dollar bills here.  They have dollar coins called “loonies”.

O’Neal: For real?

Bosh: Yep.  And two dollar coins called “twonies.”

O’Neal: Crazy.

Bosh: Also, when you’re driving somewhere?  The road signs don’t tell distance in miles.  They use kilometres.

O’Neal: Yeah, I heard about that.

Bosh: It’s okay though.  Just pretend it’s miles, and you’ll get there quicker.

O’Neal: Good to know.  Anything else?

Bosh: Uh, yeah…there is one more thing.

O’Neal: Shoot.

Bosh: Well, there’s this dress code that Canadian athletes have to follow.  Kind of a tradition.

O’Neal: Seems reasonable.

Bosh: Yeah, but it’s not just on game day.  It’s 24/7.

O’Neal: Really?

Bosh: Uh, yeah.  That won’t be a problem, will it?

O’Neal: Well…if the rest of the guys do it, I guess I want to send the right message…

Bosh: That’s the spirit.  I left your outfit hanging up in your locker.

O’Neal: Okay then.

(O’Neal walks to locker, changes.)

O’Neal: Well…how do I look?

Bosh: Hey hey!  Like $20 million bucks, baby!  Just try not to pop the bubbles.

O’Neal: Alright!  Let’s go celebrate!  What do you do for fun in this town?

Bosh: (leading O’Neal out the door) Uh, we mostly sit very still and watch movies.  Here, it’s cold outside man, you’ll want to put on this helmet…

It turns out that the terrorists’ flavour of choice is double chocolate. Maybe they’re not so different from us after all.

Welcome to Part 2 in our ongoing search for the head of our new Euro Bureau.  Yesterday we heard from the Mozartküglen-shillin’, lady-killin’ Jürgen Schröder of Germany.  Today it’s the Emerald Isle’s own Conor Duffy.  What say you,
Conor?

Name: Conor Duffy

From: Galway, Ireland

Age: 33 years - and I’ve lived every last one of ‘em!

Relationship Status: MARY!  You’re killin’ me, woman!  Let me see me child!

Hobbies: Guinness, Jameson, Bulmer’s,  happy-slapping.

Pet Peeves: Puffs, ponces, fairies, ORANGIES!

Favourite Food: I drink me meals.

Goals: To wake up every morning, and not remember every night (it’s tattooed on me other tit).

Favourite North American film, television, music or sports personality: I’ll tell you who it’s not - Shaquille O’Neal, Terrell Owens, Denzell Foxx [ed. note - ?] or any of those other bleedin’ [ed. note - redacted for unquestionably deeply-held racist beliefs].

Why?: BECAUSE THEY FECKIN’ CAME OUT OF THE FECKIN’ JUN[ed. note - see above].

Ideas for first three posts:

1. Help me find me molars.
2. Tom Brady gets raped by a Gaelic footballer.
3. What’s with the price hikes, Tim Horton’s? 

Do you have a criminal record?: The feck do you think?

If ‘no’ to above, are you willing to get one?: Keep being cute, and I’ll happily add to it.

Name three Anne Murray songs:

1. Feck you.
2. Feck your mother.
3. There’s a Hippo in me Tub.

Can you use Photoshop?: I’ve got a degree in Software Engineering from the National University of Ireland, so, yes.

Will you teach us?: Yes.

Ireland’s rejection of the Lisbon treaty - why was it the right move?: Let me get this straight - me ancestors fight for independence for a hundred and tir-ty years just to go ahead and join the European feckin’ Union?  Like hell.

Can you afford our $40 (Cdn.) bi-monthly agency fee?:  ???  Ye didn’t ask this of the wee German puff, now did ye?

Do you consent to your picture/questionnaire being posted on our site?: Try it and find out.

***

Ooh, things are heating up!  We’ll let you know, Mr. Duffy!

If there is one criticism we consistently receive from readers, it’s that we are not funny.  The second is that we are too limited in scope.  Fair point.  There are only so many ways you can inaccurately represent a Spanish point guard’s accent and so much synchronized diving information to disseminate before you begin repeating yourself.

To address this, we thought we should try and broaden our site’s perspective on the issues that we cover, and to do so we naturally thought of Europe (the continent, not the band).  But we didn’t just want to bring in some European guy to write about some European topic because, honestly, who gives a shit?  No, we wanted a European’s perspective on North American (read: Canadian) issues.  What do they think of Tim Horton’s price increases?  The hiring of Cito Gaston by the Blue Jays?  Butter Chicken’s life-long fascination with androgyny?  We want to know.  Plus, it’s a no-lose situation, because the results will either be: 1) insightful, or 2) easy to ridicule.

So we hired a headhunter to gather up candidates for our soon-to-be-fledgling “Euro Bureau.”  We then asked the candidates to fill out a brief questionnaire, to give us a handle on who they are, what they like and what they would bring to the table.  So, without further adieu,* we present candidate number 1 -  Jürgen Schröder of Germany.

*Eurofied.

Name: Jürgen Schröder

From: Dusseldorf, Deutschland (perhaps you know it as ‘Germany’)

Age: 26

Relationship Status: Single (I know what you must be thinking, but the picture is of myself and my friend Lena, who does not wish to be my girlfriend.  But I still try, should I not?  Jokes!)

Hobbies: Reading summaries of concerts of bands I like to listen to, collecting watches, playing Call of Duty 3, paintball (it really stings!), watching Wonder Showzen (it is not what I thought, but it is quite nice).

Pet Peeves: Sloppy grammar, graffiti “artists”, cyber-bullies.

Favourite Food: Mozartkügeln.  Try it!  Delicious!

Goals: To one day accumulate an abundance of natural resources, such as coal or lumber, and to grow wealthy from my efforts.  I would also like to discover a new natural resource, if such a thing exists, but I have many doubts.

Favourite North American film, television, music or sports personality: Rainn Wilson.  He is both very funny and very serious, which do not have to be mutually exclusive I think.  I have also been told by my friend Lena that I remind her of him, which I have taken to mean a compliment.  Why not?

Why?: Oh, I have erred and already placed this above.  I direct you to read it there.

Ideas for first three posts:

1. Football versus American Football: what is, really, the difference?
2. Casey Kasem still is alive?
3. Lessons from Del Struwwelpeter!

Do you have a criminal record?: No.

If ‘no’ to above, are you willing to get one?: No.

Name three Anne Murray songs: Sadly, I cannot. 

Can you use Photoshop?: Yes.

Will you teach us?: Yes.

Ireland’s rejection of the Lisbon treaty - why was it the right move?: Well, personally, I think it was a big step back for the European Union, and am still unclear as to the reasoning on which the Irish based…[ed. note: remainder redacted for show-offiness].

Do you consent to your picture/questionnaire being posted on our site?: No.

***

 Well played, Jürgen.  We’ll let you know.

That’s one weird-looking girl. Thick eyebrows. Nice hair, though. Delicate frame. I’d tag her. Oh, that’s not a girl. That’s a guy. Are you sure? Really? You’re totally positive? My penis is telling me otherwise. Oh, his penis is telling you otherwise. That’s no guy. You’re positive? Is that a guy? What the fuck? I am so confused. And horny. This indecision is reminding me about that one time when I walked in on the boy’s swim team and…oh, you’ve heard this story. And you never, ever want to hear it again? Fine. Fine. Can we put up different images from American Apparel ads? This androgyny is making me feel funny, but not in a good, sticky-pants funny kind of way. Let’s get to something sexy before the gay panic sets in.

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Wow, sure is quiet here. It’s almost like the Italian national soccer team lost after a completely uninspiring, yawn-inducing effort against the Spanish team. I guess we won’t get the privilege of watching thousands of arrogant jackasses clog this street for the next several days. Disappointing. Is that tumbleweed? Oh, the Croatians lost too? But their fans are usually so laid-back and reasonable. Shame. Damn shame. The Portuguese? Gone as well? But they are so lovable with their flair for the theatrical. It’s like Andrew Lloyd Webber on grass. Wow, things could not have gone better this weekend.

Fuck you. Never mention that again.

A critical look at the headlines that shape our world

Germany Outguns Portugal at Euro Quarter-Final; Panzer Division Mobilizes for Assault on Sudetenland

Pity the poor people of Germany, whose country cannot be named in any news item without some awkward allusion to two bloody but misunderstood attempts to take over the world.

Man Sheds 80 Pounds on McDonald’s Diet; Jared Fogle Unimpressed

‘Supersize Me’ debunked! I now put Morgan Spurlock and James Frey in the same category of shysters.

Herbie Hancock Wins ‘Musician of the Year’; Quincy Jones ‘Livid’

What’s next? John Coltrane ‘Best New Artist’?  And at what point did someone decide “Hey, you know what the world needs? Some jazz interpretations of Jone Mitchell songs.”  No thanks.  I’d prefer an all-xylophone rendition of “Cat Scratch Fever” anyday.

Drunk Fire-Starter on Plane in Police Custody; Drew Barrymore’s Publicist: ‘No Comment’

Is she still a drunk? Frankly, I don’t have time to research this.

Police Cars Collide on Training Day; Commissioner Gutenberg Rethinks Whole “Citizens on Patrol” Idea

I challenge you to go to and see Mike Myers’ abomination “Love Guru” and not lament the death of the Police Academy franchise.

Carney Defends Decision on Rates: “I Told Yous Before, You Pays Your Dollar, You Gets Your Three Chances”

I love carnies.  There.  I said it.

School Principal Says Pact Behind 17 Teen Pregnancies: “The Kids Call it ‘Catholicism”’

Let’s see.  That’s bloodthirsty military regimes, celebrity worship, Steve Gutenberg, gypsies and the perils of organized religion.  Yep, I believe that covers just about everything.  Enjoy the weekend!